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I’m really torn up about this. And I was feeling so much better before, thanks to a lovely talk with @starfielder …
On Saturday, I got a message from a gal that I mentioned just the other day in my “Tired of being a closet atheist” post. She posted something that seemed really passive aggressive, mentioning that she feels like she’s being “ignored” by her “so called friends” on FB because they don’t comment or like anything. I decided not to assume this was directed at me, but I thought..maybe…since I have her feed partially filtered to not show up in mine, and also, I just don’t get a lot of stuff in my feed on FB anyway..I miss a lot since it started filtering everything FOR me. Annoying. Anyway, this message from her said: Do you have me blocked or do you choose not to comment and very rarely like anything I post or what, Just wondering?
I did NOT block her..and I decided to assume that she meant block, not filter, so I replied: I have all my friends in different feeds and my default feed is family and extended family.. sorry if i don’t see your posts that often.. was there something you wanted me to see in particular that you shared?
This is all true, but I didn’t divulge that I miss some of her posts because I have filters set..really it’s none of her business, but whatever.
Then she came back with: “I was just wondering cuz I see stuff you post and I thought maybe you are ignoring me or you don’t like me”
I replied: “I DO like you! I’m sorry anything I posted made you feel like I don’t. It wasn’t my intention at all to give you that impression! (((HUGS)))”
She said: “Okay.”
And then a whole 24 hours went by..and I thought, well maybe that’s it. Until I saw a notification on my phone, another message from her. It said: “So, am I extended family??”
I DO NOT WANT TO REPLY. It feels like the classic “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” question. Damned if you say yes OR no. SHE considers herself family. I even believe that a couple years ago, we talked about each other as sisters (I still held some christian beliefs at the time), but since then she has become a rude, pushy zealot and I’ve faded off the religion map..so even though I care about her, I just don’t even know how to talk to her about my changes in belief. And I don’t see her as family, unless you count that i DO love her, but she’s being a royal pain in my side and making me want to punch something. Some of my family does that..UGH!
I talked with my husband about it and he thinks I am hiding by not saying anything. I told him I want to just delete her from my FB along with his parents, grandparents and other relatives and block them from finding me again. It doesn’t mean I hate them. It just means I get to control who is on my FB and who is not. My husband says I am only postponing the inevitable and that I should either have it out with her, tell her that she’s being rude and that we have nothing in common and then delete her, or tell her I don’t want to be friends and delete her. I THINK MY HUSBAND THINKS I’M A COWARD! :'(
I know that eventually I will have to come out, but I don’t want it to happen because of something as shitty as this. I feel SO FUCKING ALONE! I don’t feel like I have my husband’s support. I feel like he thinks I am being unreasonable, just because I don’t feel like handling it the way he might. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!? :'(
And after a very strange day, I’m sitting here thinking about the words I should put in a letter to them…I’m thankful for this forum. For David who took time to help me get my head on straight and see that I need to do this. For the people I’ve met and become friends with here, that I’ve known awhile and new friends too..There is so much courage represented in this place. So much strength displayed. I don’t know where I’d be without all of you. (((HUGS)))
If no one has read this post, that’s okay..I’m gonna be okay..but maybe I should have put it under Barbecue/Friends and Family? LOL!
AnonymousMox – I don’t know what to say as far as how you should handle this new “drama.” Just sorry you are even having to deal with it at all!
What is wrong with you? You’re not an unfeeling GUY who can make cut and dried decisions without worrying about the ramifcations. You are a woman – a sensitive woman who cares about the feelings of others and who doesn’t want to hurt other people’s feelngs. Unfortunately, along with that comes feelings of extreme ambivalence and guilt when you encounter these kind of relational damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don’t situations. But you are NOT a coward. There’s a huge difference!
AnonymousMoxie – I didn’t see this. I think I’ve been missing posts somehow when new ones go up. Anyway….
My thoughts, for what their worth, on Facebook. I get to say who, I get to say when, and I get to say how much. Thank you, Pretty Woman, for that line. But seriously, I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything! I don’t owe anyone my full Facebook feed. I’m not required to read every stupid thing every person posts on Facebook, nor am I responsible to providing feedback for it! I’m over this whole co-dependence thing that I had going for a long while. Your friend’s problems are her problems. You replied nicely and it wasn’t good enough for her. Well too bad. At what lengths are we expected to go to make other people feel good about themselves? I ask this rhetorically because we each are responsible for how we feel about ourselves – not other people!
I have this posted on my Facebook profile page: Please do not use Facebook to gauge the tenacity of our friendship. Facebook is a black hole with many bright white lights that appear and disappear frequently. Facebook cannot be a relied-upon medium of communication. It fails regularly. Facebook cannot be used to Know me – as in really understand who I am as a person. It’s a veil. A fun veil, but a veil nonetheless.
Your friend is experiencing an insecurity and she’s putting it on you to fix it. But you can’t because she has to fix it herself.
Choosing to hold our cards close to our vests is not a sign of cowardice. Can it be? Sure. But only we can decide that for ourselves – the motivations behind why we do what we do. You’re ready to come out when you’re ready to come out. You’re ready to be transparent to certain people when you’re ready. Pushing yourself into total transparency with all people before you’re ready isn’t healthy for you. That doesn’t make you a liar, and it doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you a human being who is in process.
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