Anger…and other stuff

[SaraJParticipant]

So I was hoping that someone could help me process something…

I forwarded the link to my husband regarding the article on Calvary Chapel.  For some reason this prompted him to look up the website of our old church (the one we lead in as youth pastors and worship leader ~ and at one time intermpastor).  Under this churches ‘history’ page it leaves us both out.  As if we never existed.  I am pissed.  And my husband said he almost had a panic attack.

I’m not sure why.

Part of me is thrilled that we are not mentioned.  I can relate to the Calvary Chapel experience.  It ended terrible (when we left/resigned). Plus my beliefs have changed radically since then.

But those bastards didn’t even mention me or my husband.  We gave so much of ourselves to that place.  Our souls.  Its sickening. I am so conflicted and anger,confused and didn’t see this coming.

And help/words/insights…?

 

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

I know I said this to you privately SaraJ and I know you won’t mind me saying so here: maybe it’s time to recognize your anger and process that. It’s one thing that can block us from proceeding.

Thoughts anyone?

[SaraJParticipant]

Thank you David…and I’m taking your advice…I started a thread under ‘Barbeque’ ~ ‘Moving On’….. ‘  Why am I SO angry after SO long’.

(I so do not know how to link that . haha)

[Anonymous]

Hey Sarah – read your other post detailing your history and hear what you say about the anger. Like the fuck by the way – get it out girl! :).

Can I confirm what David has said about the anger, processing it and moving on? Perhps I might suggest something else – in that the anger being a protection good reasons for ti being there and important to acknowle and manage, not to ignore and also the secondary emotion. Under the anger fear, hurt frustration. Gettgin in touch with these emotions will I understand invovle vulnerability. I hope you are able while protecting yourself from further harm with the anger, to heal not stay angry. I understand forgiveness being a big part of this.

I recall on one occasions being angry and rightly so! at something.  I was ona walk in the beautiful sunshine with the dog rantning away to myself inside my head about how this needs to happen and how that needs to happen and so and so needs to do x and so and so needs to do y to get things “fixed”. You’ve shared about being a pastor of a church, so I trust it woun’t be presumtious of me or assumming anythign unduly to understand Jesus being central to what is helpful for you. In that light, in my expereince what came to me from outseif of myself was a reminder of Jesus on the cross and all that had happened to him that wasn’t right that such and auch needed to happen for him and so and so needed to do x and y. Then I recalled what he said “father forgive them”. Peace came upon me, but also vulneabliliy, without the anger, I was unprotected. Bur also a closeness with Chirst and sharing in his sufferengs.

Last year I took up meditation and through that, pain came to the surface. It took someone else to sat to me that I was “resistant” to what was happening in the meditation process in order to realise there was any issue. I was avoiding pain! Stuff I had buried with having served in the Royal Air Force in the Gulf War. For me it was guilt for having been involeve with that and civilians dying in a war I saw as being unjust. Anger at politicians too. Hainvg looked that that logically I can now see I was an agent of wrong doing but that the politicainas were the perpetrators of wrong doing. And taken to it’s logical level, anyone who is a tax payer in this scenario is an agent of wroung doing for funding the miltary. Yet at the same time I expereinced honour in serving and sacrificing for the freedom of the country.

I don’t know if me sharing is helping you at all Sarah. I hope you feel empathised with.  And what I am about to share I want to result in for hope for you.

With facing there difficult issues and surrendering to the process of forgiving. meditation and taking the courage to do such and address issues with support then it has bee freeing expereince. I now feel I can soar. A realise. I still have wounds and wounds that have been inflicted by church too not dissimilar to yours. And I am tender as such and vulnerable. But it also is empowering. People to my surprise sometimes see a powerful and stable person when they see me! The say “you donnt’ know what you have got!” I’m thinking yeah you are righ – please tell me what that is? I think that’s it when it’s working? We bring a presensce withut even realising it? I find belonging in the arts wit a new found thing for me with stand up comedy – alcheminsing the pain into humour. And with sport – i organise a ski meetup group. And dance – love to dance. In the past energy would otherwise been taken up with churchy stuff.  I’m loving it! I never really did “fit” in church culture – came to the Lord later in life and always felt like an oddball in church although people at the same time have said “we love you and we value you” or words to that effect. (I’ve since leanrt to test what people say what they say that – lot of BS out there). People that are there walking alongside you loving in the difficult times as well as the easy times are the ones who REALLY are being loving. Like you, I have found that people fall away a lot of the time when that happens. But hey – look at what happane with Jesus when thigns got tough for him! The cock will be crowing for those who have let you down! The way I se it is the best we can do is not be people who let others down to the best that we can do that, and leave outhers to choose what they do.

Is any of this helping?

[SaraJParticipant]

Thank you for taking the time to respond Adam-Julians.  I truly appreciate it and will take into consideration all that you have shared. 

[Anonymous]

OK cool

 

[pamwernerParticipant]

Hi SaraJ,

I was angry for a really long time. Really angry. Do something about it angry. So I did. I found my voice. I told my story publicly. I started a blog. And I gave myself permission to feel whatever feelings came my way.I did not let friends or strangers shame me into silence. I thought I would NEVER stop being angry. But you know what, it has started to subside a bit. It is not at the forefront of my life.

I say EMBRACE YOUR ANGER. It is so freeing. And anger is an appropriate reaction to what we have experienced. If you still believe in God, be assured that he/she/it/they can handle your anger for as long as it lasts. And it not, then well, what sort of God is that anyway?

 

[Anonymous]

@SaraJ – I totally know how you feel.  Those people live with a certain amount of fear that keeps them the way they are.  It is truly said what has happened and what is happening to them all the time.  You sound thankful to have escaped.  I know I would be, and am thankful for no longer being associated with those churches I went to.  It does not bother me a bit that they fail to recognize that I was ever there, because frankly it is a little embarrassing to be associated with them.

The way I think I forgave and got over the churches I used to go to was by reading Bryan McLaren’s stuff.   He really has embraced the idea of reconciliation and understanding that everyone is somewhere on this journey and in a certain place for a reason.  The reason there are Calvary Chapelesque churches is because those people need that that sort of environment.  It is good that we have those places, otherwise those folks would be here.    (That was my own bit of wisdom, not McLaren’s).

In a way those folks are trapped in time and space and culture.  I can forgive them, because I used to be one of them.   Don’t know if that makes much sense.  I can release the anger I had associated with the past, because honestly it does no good for anyone.  When I planted The Distillery Church, I had just left the Albany Vineyard as a humiliated pastor.  When I left that place they all pretended that I was not a pastor at all there, because they were being lied to by the Senior Pastor.  It was so hard for me not to go back to that church one Sunday and grab the microphone and tell them all that their Senior Pastor was a liar.  He lied because I announced to him that I wanted his help planting the Distillery.  He freaked out and started a campaign against me and my wife out of pure fear and insecurity.  Told the board (the board that I assembled — that did not exist before we came there) that I was dangerous, and that I was a sex addict and an adulterer and he used these things against me in several meetings under the guise of a “Should we let them plant a church?” series.  He manipulated and exaggerated and out-right made up things based on a lifetime of stories I had shared with him from my past and used them against me as if I had those issues today.

I moved on though (we did) and we went on to plant the church we felt God had asked us to plant regardless of the lying pastor and without their help.  Our little church was everything we ever wanted in a church and years later we negotiated the use of that Vineyard church’s building for a conference we were hosting.  The pastor I speak of never apologized, and never made eye contact with me again.  However, he offered up the building to us when we needed it for the conference and only took a love offering from the crowd for it’s use.

It’s really weird, how fear and insecurity seem to be the primary motivators for most of the issues that the church faces these days.

[Anonymous]

Can i just say John that from that I have learnt – fear is the motive for a lot of things. Marketing companies thrive on it. They need you to feel bad about yourself in some way or afraid that your boiler might break down so they can come in withthier simple plan and easy monthly payement so you don’t have to be worried etc. What did Jesus say – consider the lillies in the fiels the ravens. If your father in heave cares for them, how much more shall he care for you?

The way I coped with the pastor I talked of was privately and I said one thing to him which I gave the assurance I woudl never share with anyone else and it was one big home truth. It put the fear of God into him. How do I know? Cause every time I have seen him after that he avoids eye contact with me and I can see fear in his eyes. Noone else has to know that I know just the fact that he knows that I know that he knows. I take no pleasure in saying this by the way or no power trip. And when we parted company we did the gentlemanly thing and shook hands which I think say something for both of us.

Hope things are going well at the distilery church for you man.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Adam.  A great thing happened with the Distillery.  We gathered regularly for 5 years and had so many good conversations, and then having not grown the church beyond a small group of members, we let go of the building expecting to meet regularly in homes, and then one day we just kind of called it quits.  That was back in october of 2012.  After the experience I had with the Distillery, I realized I would never find a place like that again.  So it’s sad in some ways, but in other ways it is welcome change.  

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah I hear yah John.

Funnily enough i was just thinking this morning about the bonding I had with folks when I was in the Royal Air Force through the shared exepreinces. Took me a while to adjust when leaving the miltary. So I get the kind of thing you are talkign about. Sure you will never find a place like that again but you can find a place as good and if you are growing then a place like the Distillery might not not fit you. I remeber one time when leaving one chuch someone saying to me that I was like a fish in a bowl. The bowl had got to small for me and I needed a bigger tank. Some folks had prayed with me and ministered saying I was lie a fledgling in a nest and god wanted me to fly. Well, unknown to them at the time I do hold a pilot’s liscence so that fitted with me. All the best for your continuing journey mate.

[Author]

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