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I’ve been, for lack of a better description, terribly depressed for months. Events in June (a long story, basically I’ve been disowned by family, partly for being atheistic toward their god) brought my levels of sadness to even deeper, more painful ones. I cannot figure out what to do other than to just “march on” even when the pain in my chest practically feels like a black hole forming, threatening to pull me into oblivion. I would just sharpen my already adept hermit skills, but in the effort to keep my mind off my sadness, I’ve been trying to branch out. If for nothing else, for the sake of my children! After all, I watched my own maternal parent disappear into oblivion from her own depression.. while she prayed and cried under the covers of her bed. Leaving my siblings and I to fend for ourselves for endless hours. I WON’T do that to my kids. So, I do the very best I can, as pathetic as it is.
Summer time brings with it the warm (or hot and muggy) and the sun..and the invitations to swim in community pools like the one I received last week. The woman who invited me was a perfect stranger to me. She got my number from a former neighbor of ours who’s son is best friends with my second born daughter. It turns out that her daughter had met mine over at our former neighbor’s home, and they had hit it off! The mom really wanted to meet me, so that the girls could play outside of just times when both were at our mutual friends home. I felt hesitant, but I accepted the invitation anyway. We had a nice time. This gal seemed very high strung, but I could see that she was feeling very insecure and trying to make a good impression. I was doing my best to just keep being my authentic self, no matter what. It’s kind of a pact I made with myself. No more pretending to be anyone else! I’m me, and if people don’t like me, fine! At the same time, I won’t write her off just because I can tell she’s not like that all the time.
Anyway, the day after we met, she called me. She was talking about god and prayer and church and I was trying to gather my strength and tact to reveal that I’ve been there, done that and I’m done. Before I could say anything, she stated: “I don’t know what you believe, but I can tell you’re a good person! You have a great heart! At least you’re not an atheist or a satan worshipper!” And she continued on talking about what she guessed I might believe…I had a fleeting cold and sharp pang in my chest, as I attempted to form words. I couldn’t just let her keep talking! I AM an atheist to the god of christianity. Not that I’m an angry atheist out to argue with god believers, and maybe atheists wouldn’t even let me in to their club, but I can’t just let someone else decide for me what I believe! So, I found a spot to carefully wedge in: “Wait a second, wait a second! Hi! I’m sorry to interrupt but I need to say something. No, I’m not an arrogant, argumentative atheist who seeks to tell people who believe in god that they’re dumb. I am not a fan of labels, but “atheist” fits me a little better than “agnostic”…however, I’m really just a person who believes that loving my fellow human and caring about all life on this earth is good and right. I am spiritual, and I feel strongly that there are powers higher than I can understand. I don’t believe in a god and I don’t believe in a devil.”
She is Lutheran. I really hope that striking up a friendship with her doesn’t end up hurting my kids later on down the road, but so far, she has just been sweet and kind and not seeming to care that I’m not religious!
I’m impressed! You were out in the community, are meeting new people, trying to be a good mom, and still managed an awkward situation well! Are you feeling a little more hopeful?
I think you did AWESOME!
Why say, “So, I do the very best I can, as pathetic as it is.” It’s not pathetic. It’s amazing!
Celebrate yourself. I think that’s amazing!
Yes, that was an excellent way to respond to that situation. It sounds like you probably handled it better than I would.
Thank you @Tracey! I have to admit I’m scared to screw up. I do feel kind of proud of myself for going and meeting a total stranger when it’s SO not what I would normally do.
@David Hayward, I have a lot of negativity to weed out yet. I really didn’t get positive reinforcement or really positivity in general, directed toward me at least, for most of my existence. When I’m feeling down the negative nellies get me.
Thank you for you encouragement and kindness! And thanks, @irreverence !
I’m certain you could totally surprise yourself…I know I did! 
I seriously thought I was gonna chase her off..lol!I wish you great success in building the kind of supportive friendships that Captain Awkward refers to as Team You.
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