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I posted a little about this on the FB group, but I wanted to write about it more generically. After a blow-up with my in-laws over this issue, I started thinking about how it seems like a lot of people just don’t seem to think boundaries are important. My family tends to put them in the wrong place; my in-laws tend to just have none. On top of that, my in-laws seem to use their faith to justify violating my family’s boundaries. It’s like this every time we visit–they constantly invite strangers into their home when we’re there, without respect to the fact that we’re visiting from out of town. We’re just supposed to put up with it and be nice, because if we’re not, then these total strangers will be upset. Also, it’s the “right thing to do” because JESUS.
I honestly do want to do the right thing and love my neighbors, including being kind to all the strangers at my in-laws. But at what point does that cross a line and become unhealthy? And how can I maintain boundaries when they are constantly violated by this behavior?
AnonymousYou’re definitely in a tough spot Amy. Setting boundaries isn’t easy, but you have every right to set boundaries – especially with people who don’t seem to have any.
I’m wondering if maybe they have people over all the time (whether your family is there or not) because they only know how to be superficial, so they use that as a defense mechanism or diversion so they won’t feel uncomfortable?
Has your husband talked to his parents and conveyed how this makes your family feel? (You know, the old “When you do_____fill in the blank_____, that makes me and my family feel ___ fill in the blank___.”) (The only reason I’m saying your husband should do the talking is because the issue is with HIS parents. If it were your parents, then you should do the talking. At least that’s what Dr. Phil always says – not that he’s always right, but when it comes to a married couple dealing with their own parents or their in-laws that probably does work the best.)
If he has and they insist on disregarding your feelings, perhaps you can visit them less often. And when you do visit them, go prepared with a plan for what to do when strangers arrive. It’s perfectly okay to say hello and then politely excuse yourselves and go for a drive, or go in another room and play a game, watch a movie, or whatever your family enjoys doing. (At least YOUR family gets some quality time together and gets to do something they enjoy instead of having to converse with people you don’t even know.)
If they continue to disregard/disrespect your feelings and/or they continue to “spiritualize” the issue, maybe its time to re-evaluate your relationship with them.
Amy, my family does the same thing. I find it’s their fear of intimacy and/or vulnerability that fuels this behavior. We (my husband and I) have found that talking with them about it does nothing. So, we set boundaries and decide to be comfortable with the uncomfortableness. Brene Brown has a lot to say about ordinary courage and living life with good boundaries and good self care. I like the title of her book “I thought it was just me but it isn’t”
Sometimes it makes us feel crazy because it is part of a family system and we are upsetting the balance. But, since I am not the jack-ass-whisperer I figure we will set our boundaries and hope that it helps our kids know how to live their lives with dignity and it’s ok to say no.
Ha! “The jackass whisperer.” I love that.
Yes, I think that’s it–fear of intimacy on some level. I could analyze it to death, because I think there are a number of reasons for where it comes from. We already only visit twice a year (nearly all our family is far away, and we have a total of 4 weeks of vacation to spread out among them). Part of the issue, I think, is that with such distance between us, we go and stay for several days at a time.
My husband and I talked about it, and we’re at a point where we both understand at least a little of what drives some of the bizarre behavior. We’re trying to work out for ourselves what our limits are and how we can set boundaries while still respecting my in-laws. What makes this so hard is that I used to LOVE coming to see them. After my husband’s brother died, a lot of that was gone. I don’t think this caused it, but the difficulty started the Christmas after he passed. I fell down their basement stairs (slippery, no railing, and a cat in my way). While the EMTs examined me, they left the house door open and everyone thought the cats escaped (turned out they were hiding in the basement). Instead of making sure I was ok, my MIL flipped out about how the cats were her last link to her dead son, and they had my husband combing the neighborhood for them while I could barely move because of all the swelling/bruising from my injuries. It was such a weird dynamic, and even though the cats were neither lost nor dead, my MIL has basically not trusted me since then. And of course, the feeling is mutual–I’m still not sure why the reaction was blame rather than “Oh my god are you ok.” No one is really still mad about it, but it’s like something got broken and was never fixed.
The problem is, I think, that different people have different boundaries. My in-laws used to think that there was nothing that I could enjoy better than their presence, even when we were on holiday. I differed. Their approach – and my wifes – was that family and being with family was always appropriate. I am not going to say that this is wrong, just that others (me) might not agree.
I am really grateful that we don’t have issues around spiritualising these issues, because I would go ape about that ( I really don’t take well to other people telling me how I should be a Christian ).
I do not feel it appropriate to criticise the way other people live – in your case, if your in-laws are cool with inviting strangers in, then that is their choice. At the same time, I do not accept anyone telling me that either a) I should do the same or b) that I should be happy about this.
I have grown up these days, and so will be less inept in expressing my position, but this is my life, and in the end, I am not going to compromise my life for others. Well, not entirely. I will fit in with others to an extent, but if people – anyone – want to tell me how to live, they can fuck off.
Your answer Amy? No idea, but don’t let the in-laws define how you live your life. Visit less until they change their behaviour. Or ask pointed questions to the visitors about why they turn up when you should be having a family time. It is, as you say, about setting boundaries. there are times to be welcoming to strangers, and there are times to be with family. Sometimes these boundaries NEED to be breached, but mostly, they don’t. If you in-laws cannot make boundaries, I suspect they are suffering anyway.
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