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Guys, I don’t know what to do. I’ve got some big heavy things making me feel like I’m going to lose it.
Last night I found out that my Dad has Congestive Heart Failure. He hasn’t had a heart attack (yet) but he had a large blockage and a stent placed in his main coronary artery early this year. He and his newest wife moved back here from Oklahoma in July. I haven’t seen him much, since I kind of have a very surface relationship with him. Anyway, I am trying to remain hopeful that my dad will be with us for a few more years, as it appears they have caught it early..but he is not taking very good care of himself for the most part. I am scared, which I think is reasonable, but I’m also numb and sad at the same time. I feel sad that I don’t have a great relationship with him, and that I realize that even though I’ll be incredibly sad when he’s gone..well, it won’t feel all that different in my life because we don’t know each other very well. I don’t feel like I can pursue any depth of relationship with him really, and even if I could, I’m afraid that would just be too hard after all is said and done when he’s gone. Especially if things did not get better between us, but in fact worse. Anyway, I hope you can follow my thought process..I’m really struggling here.
Secondly, and the two tie in to one another…My dad’s wife is the one who broke the news to me about his heart, and she was originally calling to tell me about the family holiday dinner to be held at their home in a few weeks. In the course of our conversation, she also gently informed me that my sister in law will not be present at the family dinner because she is not happy with a decision that was made in the wake of my dad’s illness. You see, I have a younger sister who, for lack of shorter way to describe her, is unstable. She basically refuses to take responsibility for her own life. She wants to make anyone and everyone who she believes has done something to her feel her wrath. She expects people to grovel at her feet and “at least try to make amends”. Anyway, she recently went on one of her verbal pummeling rampages, and this time it was directed at my Dad. She was so toxic (as per usual) and refused to listen to any plea for balance and , oh I don’t know, growing the hell up. So, my Dad had to just tell her that he’s done..he can’t take the punches anymore, and when she comes to visit in a few weeks, she is not welcome in his home. Frankly, I absolutely agree with his decision. He is hurting and broken, and in addition his health cannot withstand the added stress she is inflicting on him..absolutely mercilessly.
How can I say so with all certainty? She has done this to me and my little family on multiple occasions. An example would be that she chose the weeks following the incredibly earth shattering birth of my very premature baby girl to begin telling me how horrible I was to her when she lived with me. (I took her in against my better judgement to help her not end up on the streets, and I only asked that she get a job and help with grocery money). The lack of ANY respect in ANY area was staggering, (eating 4 servings of food, never cooking, never getting a job, walking around in her underwear in front of my husband, having boys over after we were asleep and on and on and on!) and the whole thing ended with my husband and I telling her she needed to move out. She threw back in our faces everything that WE did wrong to her, trying to control her life and blah blah blah. She has never, even once, ever appreciated that we took her in when we could barely afford to feed our own family. I know that I will likely never receive that appreciation, but that’s not what I was doing it for. Still, she added so much pain and stress into my life while I was already dealing with so much, and she refused to even consider just letting it go. So, I told her not to speak to me until further notice. I kicked her out of my life for about 6 months. And at one point, she tried to use the rest of the family to tell me off..and that’s when I had to accept the fact that my family (brothers and sisters) are pretty much not my friends at all. So I have this arms length relationship with almost all of them.
The hardest for me to deal with not having as a friend is my sister in law. She was pretty much my best friend for several years. Her son is 9, and my girls are 10 and 11, so the three of them are stair step cousins. We used to hang out all the time, and the kids all love each other. When I was not talking to my sister, my brother and sister in law only listened to her side of the story, and decided that I was being really immature. I saw my own decision as wise, and sanity preserving, and I still do. Adding insult to insult, my sister in law is perfectly fine with and encourages the fact that my sister is very, very much favoring her son over my daughters. Like, obscenely so. This hurts my children and myself every time she comes to visit because she always squeezes in to their tiny little house and stays with them, spending hours with my nephew and taking him everywhere with her, and won’t even spend a single night over here with my daughters. When my sister is in town and she does spend time with us, it’s always on her terms or not at all. My sister in law sees NO problem with this, and has said that she “can’t help it if my little sister has a special bond with her son” Anyway, my sister in law has become more and more and more distant from me, and EXTREMELY enabling of my sister’s horrible treatment of family members. The latest is that she will not attend the family dinner because she is angry that my little sister is not welcome. She is not going to let my nephew come to the dinner, either. And I am feeling so, so angry with her for holding my sister’s hand while she goes around punching everyone in the face. I really wish I had money to just book a place for the month of December and take my children away so that they wouldn’t have to be hurt as much. This whole thing is making me crazy on top of everything else that’s so difficult in our lives. :'(
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
David Hayward.
Yes Mox, you certainly are going through it, aren’t you!? With my family drama I have found that recognizing that they are just people I am biologically related to and love but I do not get mixed up in the drama and we’ve kept our kids out of it too. My siblings and their kids are all embroiled in it and it’s ugly. We’ve never lived close to them, thank God. I’m thinking of you my friend. Not easy.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by David Hayward.
I will be praying for you over this Holiday season. That is a lot to deal with.
Hey Moxie, Wow that is a lot to bear, but I know you are way strong enough not to lose it. Don’t lose heart! And feel free to vent here whenever you need to.
AnonymousMox – Sorry you are so stressed from all the insane drama from dysfunctional/abusive family members! I wish you could just enjoy the holidays without all the added drama. THAT REALLY SUCKS!!
And I’m sorry about your dad’s CHF and for all the mixed emotions that has brought up for you. Even with the CHF, he could live MANY more years. When my parents die, I won’t grieve over losing them, I will grieve for the parents I wish I had had, but didn’t. That’s just the way it is.
I’m glad to see your dad has set some firm, healthy boundaries by not allowing your sister to come to his house anymore. I would bet the rest of you will have a more enjoyable time without her and your sister-in-law at the family get together.
I suggest that you and your hubby decide ahead of time that if things get stressful, argumentative, or you are being dumped on at the family gathering, that you are only going to stay a certain length of time, and then you leave. Period.
I get why you feel saddest about losing the relationship you had before with your sister-in-law. That really sucks too! Betrayal – especially by people who used to be in your corner – is NEVER easy to deal with.
You have gone above and beyond in regard to your sister. The fact that all you get in return from her is disrespect, blame, false accusations and unnecessary drama, may mean you need to give her a second “gift of ex-communication.”
You do NOT have to allow yourself to be ANYONE’S emotional punching bag. THAT IS NOT OK!! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU MOX! And if the rest of the family doesn’t understand, oh well. Sounds like no matter what you do or don’t do, there will be family members who are going to criticize you, and side against you, and who needs that??? (Easier said than done I know!)
AnonymousMox, that is one hell-ride of a story there. Minimizing your kids exposure to any super aggressive and negative people like that is a good thing, no matter if they are biologically related. I hope you and your family are able to find joy and a real pleasure in each other this holiday season. Nuclear Family is the important team to keep people relating. Keep talking to your kids. Make apologies for the extended family dysfunction. Reassure your kids. We made it through with love and you will too. Breathe, give yourself a break somehow. Take a push-up break or dancing break with your kids. Make holiday plans with your nuclear family as much as possible. Make the holidays more about you and your nuclear family than extended family. Good luck blessings Mox.
AnonymousI’m so sorry about all the family drama. I know how that kind of thing goes.
Favoritism of the sort you’re describing doesn’t benefit anyone–not even the kid being favored. Yes, sometimes there will be a “special bond,” but that doesn’t have to leave anyone out. In my family, my sister has a close relationship with my daughter, my other sister has the same with my son, and my husband has one with my sister’s son. But all that means is that they have things in common they like to talk about together. Sadly, I’ve seen that with my in-laws, they strongly favor the boys, so my daughter is frequently an afterthought–especially when it comes to giving gifts.
My sister is recently divorced from an abusive man. She has done her best not to project her relationship with her ex onto her son–his interactions with his dad are his own. I know that you want your SIL to see how manipulative your sister is, but unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what your personal experiences with her are; your SIL is going to have her own relationship with your sister. The only thing you can do is make the decisions that are healthy for you, and let them sort out their issues themselves.
Being biologically related (or related by marriage) doesn’t mean we have to put up with people’s crap, or even like them.
Moxie – how painful, in each of these layers of your family. I am sorry you are facing so much drama right now.
My heart was heaviest about the story of you and your dad. Sounds like there is a lot more history than you have shared and that you don’t have much hope. That is what I am praying for you, that you find an inkling of hope, a crack in the hardened walls, that allows your heart to shine through to your dad. He may not have what it takes to respond to it, but I think you have what it takes to share it.
Chad
Thank you..All of you, for listening and for being so supportive.
I wish I could say that I’m feeling strong about these things now, but I’m so totally not. And more stuff has cropped up that I don’t want to face. Ugh…I’m so weary!anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate every one of you!
love,
moxie
I’ll pray for you Moxie.Moxie, one of the best pieces of advice I have been given at times like this is just to “breathe.”
Breathe deeply. Feel what you need to feel. Let out what needs to go. Breathe again.
I’m so sorry Moxie – so much stuff, piling on. Everyone here gives such good advice so I won’t add any but know that I’m thinking about you! You are strong and you will be fine. You will not go crazy even though you think you will. You are resilient although it sucks to have to be that way. blah.
Let me share with you a little experience I had Sunday – don’t know if it will help you or not but it kind of helped me to visualize all the things that felt like they were weighing me down. Our family is doing psychodrama. It started because we visited the psychologist to see if our aspy daughter needed a med adjustment and he suggested that we might try this with his wife and him. It’s an amazing experience. So far it’s just with my husband because that’s after all where the family started. Anyway, they asked me if I hated my life… and I said yes – because there are too many things that are out of sync so they had me get a scarf for everything that I hated about my life. So I grabbed one for poverty, one for chronic illness, one for the church, one for my marriage, one for my daughters disability, and more… you get the jest. Then they had me act out what all those burdens were doing to me. Of course I ended up strangling myself and rolling on the floor like I was suffocating. Then they had my husband stand by my side and take 1/2 of the scarves so that I didn’t have to carry these burdens alone. He lets me carry my burdens because he either minimizes the severity of it or just doesn’t want to deal with it. They had me lie down and he had to take the scarves that he could help me with and name them and what he could do to help ease the burden. It was just a really healing exercise.
You are bogged down with SO MANY THINGS. Is there any way you can farm out a bit of some of your burdens to get a little relief? I know that you have been so isolated by motherhood and illness and all that. Maybe just picturing and naming those things may help. Just a thought – take it or leave it…
Love you Mox.
Love you too, Ruth!
That psychology exercise is intriguing! I have never participated in anything like that. It kind of made me giggle a little, because I am so frequently trying to get my husband to “see” how much I’ve got on my plate by inventing analogies. I really don’t know what it is that keeps him from paying his full attention to the fact that I feel practically smushed into the floor.
It’s not that he doesn’t care..it’s like..i guess he gets overwhelmed and ignores it. *sigh* Well, anyway I haven’t got a clue who/how/what to engage to get help with that. We tried counseling, but not therapy. I wonder if I could convince him to join me in something like that. Thank you for sharing with me! I am so glad that it was a healing thing for you.I’m gonna keep on trudging along!
AnonymousRuth Anne – I am SO GLAD you and your hubby got to do psychodrama and that it had such a healing effect on you! Thanks for sharing the good news!
Anonymousmoxierocks,
I went into the bookstore yesterday and ordered (old fashioned, I know !) the updated Melody Beattie book on codependency. I wanted to revist the information on how to recognise and deal with those who try to control us and bring their own special brand of chaos into our lives. In the past I always thought the concept of codependency was about a life partner so thought it wasn’t relevant to me. And the term itself ‘codependency’ isn’t my struggle (I don’t think anyhow), and it doesn’t seem like yours either, but there may be some good coping strategies they suggest that may be suitable? It may (or not) be relevant to help in your current situation? Anyhow check out the home page melodybeattie.com – and her story of climbing the mountain in China. It’s so encouraging.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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