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Helene 2 weeks, 6 days ago.
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I am tired. I am so very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Socially. I’ve been this broken, over and over again. But this time, I can’t seem to find the inner will and strength to get up and keep going again. I’m feeling numb and blank, even with the ache in my heart. And the tears won’t flow anymore. I’m shrinking away. People are silent. Unless they are putting me into a category. Pigeonhole. I feel as though I’m teetering on the edge of forever. Afraid I’m never going to feel happy again. Never feel truly loved because I’m so broken. Never live vibrantly. And people keep asking me to pray for them, to help them. But I’m so empty. So broken. Still, I care and I try. Where’s the reset button!? When will people stop abandoning me and leaving me to pick up all the pieces? Oh, I know…I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s not all about me. But in my closed world, nothing is allowed to be about me. So I beg of the reader’s forgiveness. I beg even a little understanding. I’ve been taking care of everyone since I was 8 years old. Everyone was my 5 younger siblings. By the time I was 13, there were 3 still in diapers. I had my first child at 22, second 11 months later. I’m 36 now. And my third child is 5. My 32 year old sister is free loading off our step brother with her 4 month old baby boy. She won’t speak to me, but I learned that if she wasn’t not speaking to me, she would want me to watch her son for free so she can “get on her feet”. This is despite all the programs offered her that she turned down. She refuses to put him in daycare. So I’m only missed for how I could be used. Put a fork in me, I’m done.
I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier . . .i know what it feels like to put something out there and not get a response.
It sounds like you’ve given all you’ve had, and are fried, burnt to a crisp. I was there 3 years ago. Mine crested after a few traumatic-to-me issues came up . . .but the real reason was that I was basing my self-esteem on what I was doing in service to others, and trying to gain acceptance into a system that was never going to accept me. So no matter what I did, it was getting me know where.
It’s taken loads of therapy, changes in life-style, friends, a career change . . .to get on a healthier track. I hope it will be easier for you . . .please keep talking and writing . . .i promise it will help.
Huge hugs. I’m glad you are recognizing your boundaries. You should not have to take care of everyone else but yourself. I hate how everyone seems to be taking advantage of you– that is just not fair. Stay true to yourself. Just know this all is NOT your fault. I wish for you a time away– something pampering just for you. I know that can be difficult to do though when time/resources are limited.
I’m with you Mox. I’m keeping you on my mind.
Hey, I can relate to what you are saying. I wish there was a magic ‘fix’ and I knew what it was. I want to come hug you. Just know that I am here for you and if you need to talk or know of anything I can do, let me know. Hugs. Love you, Angie
You have to find some time for self-care. Must be hard as a mom, and it sounds like you have some toxic people in your life. Your sister sounds very manipulative and it sounds like she wants you to come around and make amends (and using your nephew to get you to do it), when it sounds like she is the one that needs to make amends.
Maybe you just need to say to people, “hey I need some time to take care of me” and say no to people who need help. It does not always feel good, but in the long run you will be better for it. Take care of yourself.
Hey Moxie, I’ve been wondering how you were doing (really truly – it seemed all quiet on the moxie interwebs for a while there). I relate to the tiredness and brokenness and feeling used, and the emptiness and closed world bits. Query – are you able to get some time to yourself during the day, and say, have a walk by yourself for up to an hour? (or are you rolling on the floor laughing hysterically at that suggestion?) Can I share a quick story? I have been looking after a dog for the last month while his owner is overseas, I’ve looked after him before. This time when I arrived I was quite shocked by his appearance, he hadn’t been walked at all and had been overfed. Worse, he was a very depressed dog. Normally he is very extraverted and loving of people/children and other dogs. Fast forward a fortnight of twice-daily bushwalks (lots of sniffs, pees, meeting folks and dogs), and a healthy diet, and the neighbour is commenting that he is back to his ‘old self’ – he has energy and enthusiasm again. I’m not really drawing any parallels between humans and dogs here, but it has been interesting watching his progress and I think I’ve learned a lot myself through this (and when he bangs on the doggy door at 5am now, all keen to go, I don’t get cranky but think, ok, right, time to get out there, as it really is good for both of us). So, end of story, and I just want to encourage you, and say, ‘go that rainbow hair Moxie !’
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