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Just getting to this post and ….wow. I feel exactly the same way, like I am all over the map and scrambling to make sense of this space between what I was and what I am becoming. I also feel this sense of urgency to figure it all out, which may have as much to do with my age as anything.
I sense that David is correct and releasing is key. For me that means releasing expectations and the ridiculous demands I place on myself to nail down the truth. Most important for me is figuring out how to release this fear of being wrong.
Had an intersting conversation with my son recently about this. (some backstory…he is an ex-vineyard pastor’s kid who converted to Judaism and is quite the thinker). I was sharing with him my concern with how much I have changed and how awkward it is to think about some of the things I used to preach and teach….things I don’t believe anymore. I expressed that maybe I had wasted years and been irresponsible to be so passionate in my ‘certainty’. His words to me were straight from Gods lips as he reminded me that none of us have a corner on the truth and the important thing is that we are honestly and passionately engaged. He said, “one of your strongest convictions is that we are image bearers of God. You have to believe that all those years, even if espousing bad theology, you were sharing something of God to others”. It was an ah-ha moment and I determined to not shrink back even in the face is anxiety at being all over the map.
Shae, the Emerson quote is awesome and summarizes my current resolve: “Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-immorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day”.
Bad earworm Alert! It’s too late to ‘pologiiiize….cuz I already forgave you!
I’m right there with you, though…I’m actually probably more solid in what I DON’T believe than in what I do believe. if that makes any sense at all…
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