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AnonymousMany of you know my background and story, if you don’t then read my posts or look at the meet and greet area, or checkout the nightmare that is “Hangout: How I became a liberal heathen”
First off I want to apologize for the general rambling way that I tend to go on. You are about to encounter a lot of mumbling chatter and I can’t help it, I am just a bit of a rambler. Is rambling a term? Does anyone know? Does it mean something like gathering cattle into a coral? Anyway, case in point.
No, no, now right to the point. I am sorry for the content of my posts. See I can do that. You know, get right to the point? So let me be more specific. I am sorry for the inconsistency of the content in my posts. See, I am caught in the middle right now — I realize that. I am caught in the middle between what I was and what I am becoming. So many of my thoughts, emotions and ideas come from the past.
Many of the things I write about come from the armchair theologian John that wore out many a keyboard talking and writing about theology and spirituality. I was going to actually write a book back then. I had been studying anthropology and had an idea about origins and God and creation and humanity and I was going to roll it all up into a book presenting my thesis with plenty of good stuff to chew on.
Then I realized that there are already too damn many books about this sort of stuff, and no one would probably read it. But, that is besides the point of this post. Well, that was the old me, so to speak. One that was full of hope and ideas and spirituality and energy. The new me is a bit different. Still getting to know him. If you check out my blog you will see the transition http://indiefaith.org
I have owned that domain for 7 years now and even before that I wanted to have a faith that was not controlled by the big guns, you know the corporation. I placed a high value on individuality and non-corporate sponsorship when it came to my spiritual journey. Well, if you go back to some of my first posts you will see the younger me, struggling and grappling with the issues. You will then start to see the comedian bleeding through my posts and eventually it is all comedy, sarcasm, then it comes back to faith issues and politics.
I am ALL OVER THE MAP. And I guess that is what I want to apologize for. I am good at sharing my opinion-for-the-moment about something — yeah that looks like this IMOFTM. But ask me the same question tomorrow, and I might totally flip-flop on you. I am unreliable at best and a total mess in my head at worst (I am usual quiet at those times). So I am sorry. Look at me, all in tears… Yeah, maybe I should just be quiet… I do want to say that I love you folks. Thanks for reading. I am still here, but I am hearing this song in my head. Listen with me?
AnonymousHi John,
Apology accepted.
On my part, I do not feel that you owe me an apology though.
Sounds like you are in definite transition and that’s a rough spot to be for you.
I can relate to some of what you have shared here. I often feel like I don’t fit anywhere..not the ultra conservative church / belief system of my in-laws and some members in the church..and I also don’t feel like I fit in Here at TLS sometimes.
AnonymousJohn – there really is no need to apologize. In case you haven’t noticed most of us are all over the map and constantly changing our viewpoints. Awhile back I did a complete 180 all in the same forum, and guess what? The earth didn’t fall off its axis! I doubt any of us have “landed” since we left the institutional church and our former beliefs, but I see that as a GOOD thing. We are supposed to be living, changing, growing, evolving, organic beings – not stationary and static. I’d much rather be all over the map than chained to one particular viewpoint that chokes the life out of me. Been there – done that – don’t want to go there again!
The fact that you can look back over your journey and see all the different changes you’ve made – and are continuing to make – is a sign that you are ALIVE, GROWING, and BEING REAL. Who could ask for anything more than that? It’s when everything starts to look the same that you should get worried – ha! Just be who you are, let the chips fall where they may, let the dead bury the dead, and continue to grow and evolve! And don’t apologize for that.
byw – liked your song. Could you post the lyrics cuz there were some words I couldn’t make out?
AnonymousMy dear friend @John. May these words of Emerson bring hope and clarity to us all, for you and I are in great company:
“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — ‘Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’ — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, On Self Reliance
Anonymous@Kathy-D Thanks, yes – stuck in a transition period seems right on. I don’t know that I will see the other side any time soon.
@Jo-White Thank you too. As usual your words are quite comforting and spot-on. Here are the lyrics to Alex Dezen’s song “I am a leaver”
Lock your lips in eastern time
Bleed my heart, I’m leaving mine
See my soul makes it home
I’m high on wretched wine
Spinning here aloneYou left me on the street
With a loss so great I can’t retreatI am a leaver
Is my time wasting well?
I am a leaverI haven’t landed since I fellRoaming streets I’ve never found
Singing songs without a sound
Cannot shake you from the tree
And sow you in the ground
And keep you next to me?I left you on the street
With a face so long
That it touched your feetI am a leaver
Is my time wasting well?
I am a leaverI haven’t landed since I fellTreasures dropped in the sea
Lovers leave like you and me
I am sucker and a sin
But baby, I believe in no effigyI am a leaver
Is my time wasting well?
I am a leaverI haven’t landed since I fell
I am a leaverI am a shaken, battered shell
I am a leaverI am a liar, can’t you tell?
Can’t you tell?Can’t you tell?@The-Shaeman Aww nice quote. Yes very good company indeed.
“To be great is to be misunderstood” I think this makes me great… hehI often feel the same way–I sometimes feel like I can’t take another minute of the institution of church and the next I’m sitting in the pew listening to the pastor say “Holy crap, the tomb is empty!” and thinking that it’s all going to be okay. I just keep pressing on, trying to figure this out as I go. I guess it’s why I write–it’s the only way I can cope with all the raw feelings.
Anyway, I don’t think any of us should have to apologize for who we are or where we are on this journey.
Anonymous@Amy Thank you. I of course will press on, but not without a lot of whining and foot stamping and an ocasional emotional melt-down…. Geez, why did I have to take after my Mom so much?
AnonymousJohn – In answer to your question: To make the rest of us feel better when we whine and have melt-downs!
BTW – Thanks for the song lyrics.
Anonymous – @Jo-White thanks for listening with me.
Anonymous@John – also wanted to say thank you for your vulnerability.you willingness.to be seen and known, as Brene Brown would say…
@Amy Anyway, I don’t think any of us should have to apologize for who we are or where we are on this journey.
I think this is a great idea.
@john i recognize in your post the same anxiety i often have about feeling the need to nail myself down somewhere. around a couple years ago i finally let that go. it was very liberating to just watch what happens in and with me with anxiously trying to categorize it. i admit i sometimes get frustrated and i frustrate the hell out of others. but it is far more peaceful. i like all your posts. it exposes a variegated soul.
Omg… I feel like an f-ing mess most days.
Anonymous
AnonymousWe are all siblings in a very profound way. lol, awe I love this site. Why are we so insecure? Why do we fear to offend so much? Simply, our past. This is a place to forget the past, no? It’s tough to forget the past sometimes, though, I know….
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