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This weekend I’ve thought more about approaches to faith than in a long time, and I came to some new thoughts and conclusions which I’d like to pen here. I’m not saying any of this is truth or final or not subject to change, just felt I needed to get it written out and see what you thought. (I say that also so I can avoid having to put “In my opinion/experience, the way I see it” and such phrases after every sentence.)
I’ve come to the conclusion that theology is not helpful. No matter what spiritual thought you might have, what you read in the bible, there will be books and books of differing opinions, and doctrines within doctrines from every angle about ANY one thing. Something I’ve noticed more and more often are that as one doctrine is worked out in one sermon, it will contradict something said in another sermon, doctrine or the bible itself, but the theologian has found ways to explain this, called apologetics. Through my christian experience I have had to learn to do the dance around the verses, sidestepping around misunderstandings and contradictions expertly, to the point at which you forget you are actually avoiding things and only see the infallible structure of logic built like a cage around you.
I’m sure most of you get where I’m coming from, I’ll move on.
Okay this bit will probably only be relatable to those who’ve had some sort of conversion experience. (I’m well aware this is tainted or even triggering to some of you and I’m sorry, feel free to not read.) That moment when Jesus became real to you. When I first had that experience, it was profound, and it was personal. It felt like a divine revelation, that everything was suddenly opened up, and the joy it inspired was overwhelming, as well as everything else associated with a sudden knowledge of things which didn’t quite make sense before. And it just felt true. Unquestionable. A sudden knowledge. No one could question it, and no one did within the community we were saved in. People praised me, congratulated me on my new found salvation In Christ and we felt we had just kind of GOT it. But over the months and years that followed, I attended church, I studied the bible, I prayed, I listened to sermon after sermon, I went to christian events, made christian friends and defended my faith, but over that time something was changing until it had all but gone. That feeling. That knowledge of the presence of the divine, that connection to the spiritual, that realization that there is something there. It had just waned. I tried to get it back but sermons would tell me it was my fault I’d lost it in the first place. That I had been doubting and needed to “rekindle the fire”. So I never got it back. And here I am, having rejected the theology and institutions which brought be there wondering what the hell I should do with my beliefs.
Thing is, through The Shit That’s Gone Down Lately , I’ve had two main friends who live near me who have been of major help (not to neglect you guys at all, you’ve been invaluable). One of them is Corinne. We have been friends for about 7 years. We met at a youth group, she was already a christian at the time, she was there when I “got saved” and she attended my baptism. She and I never talked in depth about personal beliefs until recently, spurred by recent events. She’s dyslexic, and though not by any means unintelligent, she never got into studying the bible, understanding theology or doctrine, and speaking to her now she says she never saw the point. Thing is in all the time I’ve known her, her faith has been more real than that of any “bible-believing christian”. She has had spiritual experiences more true and more profound than doctrine that’s been around for 200 years, and I have more faith in her than any pastor. With regards to The Meetings, she called me before the first one happened, she was in the car and explained how suddenly she had felt God speak to her, telling her that I’m not wrong or unnatural, I don’t need to be fixed and that God is there for me, which was more meaningful than anything I’ve experienced at church.
I can’t help but feel that this is all because she never let theology get in the way. She never got caught up in the print and never idolised the bible. She said recently “I don’t study my Mum. I love her so I speak to her in person, how else would I get to know her? I wouldn’t read a book someone else wrote about her, what’s the point in that?” And we laughed, but that’s really stuck with me.
It seems to me that there is God, and as soon as someone believes in A God, religion scoops them up and fills them with their idea of what God is, detatching that person off from the actual divine. It seems like the devil’s best technique (take that metaphorically for now, the jury’s out on that one) As soon as someone sees God, make that person blind to them. Seems to be the best way of playing God, to convince the world that your words are “His”.
I guess what I’m taking bloody ages to explain is, I feel there is a divine presence, a spiritual realm, which we have touched, and we do experience, but it has been shrouded by this thick veil of human thinking. Now I’ve rejected that thinking, I don’t have to reject faith or the divine too. What I want to do is find that spiritual connection I touched, that I know is still possible, and live in that knowledge of that existence. Then thinking about it I realised that there are actually some things in the bible which best express this knowledge, that God expressed themselves as “I am the great I AM.” That’s kind of the best description of any divine being that couldn’t exist isn’t it? Though I’m reluctant to go back to the bible at all, this struck me.
When I was thinking all this it felt so profound and like some kind of grand realisation, I’m sorry I suck at communicating it but I hope you all can kind of see what I mean.
Also during all this I realised how similar it is to testimonies of LSD experience, and that “once you’ve had your first trip you spend the rest of your life trying to get the same experience when sober”- Alex Grey(ad-libbed quote). That’s been amusing me…
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Wow! Very profound Vic. I love the way you think, and your journey really resonates with me. Although our experiences have been somewhat different, our current conclusions are much the same. Although, like you, I am still not setting anything in stone other than definitely believing in the Divine.
AnonymousVic, you’re ok, deeply ok.
Like you, Vic and Charles, I don’t have any of my thoughts or beliefs set in stone anymore. I no longer believe that it matters to have it all sorted out. I like what your friend Corinne said, Vic. Keep hanging with her!
I sometimes meditate on the following:
To look directly at God (or a description in scripture) is not to see God. Too see God, one must look away.
Vic, I like what you and your friend are saying.
What do you think of Some Thoughts on Theology and maybe What is Church?
http://outsidethegoldfishbowl.wordpress.com/some-thoughts-on-theology/
AnonymousVic – I’m inspired by what you have said. Thanks for having the courage to share it! Great insights!!
Thank God for your friend, Corrine. Church people are great at TALKING about God’s unconditional love, but they are very poor at SHOWING it (as you have seen especially with your dad, your counselor, the church, etc.) You can’t go wrong with someone like Corrine who SHOWS you God’s unconditional love!
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