This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by 
David Hayward 3 months, 1 week ago.
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I’m finding it difficult to put my thoughts into words lately. Its almost like there are no words. Just silence and a mixture of anxiety, sadness, hope, confusion, resolve, etc., a strange mixture. I thought for sure I had moved through the deconstruction process ( painfully and messy ~ but had moved on from it) but I’m wondering if I have rushed things. Have I’ve tried too hard to once again be someone or something I am not?! As much as I have felt that I am in the midst of reconstruction, there is a part of me this morning that is hinting that my deconstruction is not complete. I’m not sure why I thought they had to be separate or in different time frames. I still very much feel the pain of the past and the lost years, the disappointments and utter screw up that I assign to myself some days.
I guess I think of the deconstruction/reconstruction process as two things happening side by side more than separate. Still, I also think that one can dominate at any given time. When one of them surges, I assume it is the result of something deep inside trying to get out, so I give it as much attention as I can to decipher where I am really at and what is going on.
Good words SaraJ and irreverance. SaraJ you’re reflecting a lot of my thinking lately also -and what you said about the past. I relate to your phrase strongly: ” I still very much feel the pain of the past and the lost years, the disappointments and utter screw up that I assign to myself some days”. YES. I knew someone whose constant refrain was about the role of shame, and I think she may be right. It can hide itself very well, and I wonder about how much shame is prevalent when I think of the past.
What makes you feel like a screw-up? Is it real, or someone else’s voice there?
I recognize those thoughts and feelings Sara. And many others I know would relate as well.
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