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I stopped going to church for a while. I never really liked it. But now the point is that I am meeting many unbelievers. I have to say, many of them are really great people. It sometimes even scares me a little. I had to think about the picture from David where he shows that even atheist are great people. In my heart I know and feel that for a serious relationship it is much better to believe the same thing. How do you meet such people if there are not real gatherings like ” for open minded christians”. How do you look at this point?
Really nice to meet you Cherrelle. “Believe the same thing”, I think… is believing that we are all searching, are already perfect, and totally lovable where we are as we are. Your journey sounds so interesting.
Phoo! That answer sets another boundary further for me. Help. So how do you see Jesus in all this?
AnonymousI’m sorry I don’t have any answers. I’m sort of experiencing the same thing. I definitely do NOT want to make any new friendships with traditional Christians, and yet I seem to be at a loss as to how to make friends with people who aren’t Christians. It’s like the church “ruined me” and I don’t know how to just be comfortable around people who are not “Christians” even though those are the very people I want to hang out with rather than traditional Christians (for me, that’s pretty much any Christian who still attends church.) It’s a crazy (and frustrating) paradox.
I think the key to a long-term successful relationship is to find someone that you enjoy simply being with while doing boring mundane things. Spoiler alert! Most of life is kind-of boring and mundane. People can enjoy almost anyone doing exciting fun things. I think the high divorce rate is partly due to people hooking up doing fun exciting things and then once their married life settles down to more boring mundane things, they slowly realize that they don’t really enjoy being around each other. I think things like “beliefs” are really secondary. When a relationship starts to unravel, people look for things (like different beliefs) to blame things on. I would recommend getting out there and finding someone you just enjoy being with doing everyday things and remember that you have to figure out life as you live it. You can’t plan it all out from the beginning. Also, your beliefs and the other person’s beliefs will change over time. I would give this advice to anyone. I’m basically a non-believer and I’ve been married to a believer for almost 20 years now. I actually applied these ideas when I first started dating my wife. I suggested we have some “non-dates” where we don’t do anything special… just kind of play house. After we became comfortable with each other, we did do some fun and exciting things. For example, we actually got engaged in Paris while picnicking by the Eifel Tower.
There is nothing more important than good relationships and I wish you well.
What Jeff said, minus the Paris trip. ha ha ha ha ha
What do you like to do Cherrelle? I have met all kinds of wonderful (and not so wonderful)people through simple stuff like having a dog! When I knew I was tired of traditional church people I started looking for other ways to hang out with folks. What did I always want to do but didn’t do? I started running by joining a running group. I meant to only train for a race and never run again. That was 4 years ago. We aren’t fast but we have a lot of fun. I run with them 2 days a week and they are awesome folks who have become friends and we don’t have church or faith in common. I love this! We talk about all kinds of crazy stuff. We share our lives and sometimes we are stinky and sweaty and look awful. Who knew my life could be rich like this? I certainly didn’t before I began this great adventure…
Wow! Thanks for the responses. Did not expect this.
@ Jo : I really have very great friends among non-believers. Actually my best friends (outside of my family) are non-believers. I see that they many times are really deep in personal development with “the universe” or so. But I can deeply relate to all of it. I love deep conversations. I can relate to your opinion towards Church-Attending-Christians. Whenever I have a conversation with them, I have to hide some of my inner struggles… Thank God I have a great family who are in the same process as I am (mum, dad, sisters). So I do always have people to talk with.
@ Jeff: I love your answer. That is very true. I think that also very relates to the way in which your personality suits the other persons’ personality. In the way that it can complement or totally compete. How nice you are married to a believer. And indeed, doing simple things are so important. Really. I will keep that in mind. The zero-state, or rest state in the relationship should be comfortable, soothing. Thanks Jeff, I will start doing more boring stuff. Haha joking.
@ Starfielder: Thanks for inspiring me. I also started going to things like that more. I am meeting amazing people. I am a sportsinstructor myself so I meet many many people in the sportscenter. In daily life I am a researcher at the university. I meet nice people (and not so nice ones haha). But most of the nice people that were interested in a relationship or so, I did push away or kept on distance because I didn’t feel the peace still that Jeff talked about or.. I thought that believes were the central part. I am reconsidering the last thing now. In peace, just taking things slow. That is another thing I learned. To not hurry… THANKS!
@cherelle I am on the same journey! If you are single and over 40 in the churches I’ve been to, you don’t exist. Small groups are mostly young married couples who go out on double dates and they don’t have time for “tag alongs.” It’s another reason why church got really boring for me because I wasn’t meeting anyone my own age who was single (not necessarily for dating) who could go out and do the things I enjoy.
I, too, am meeting people outside the church who aren’t necessarily churchgoers or Christians. Most are “spiritual,” some believe in a higher power, some don’t believe in anyone but themselves. Honestly, I find these people more loyal and engaging than my small group or church groups. It is scary, because I’ve always craved a believer by my side but I am no longer meeting those individuals where I am now. I realized, as I look at many of the women in their submissive roles in marriages that maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
Anonymous@sassyshae – Single and over 40? How about single and over 30?? It seems to me that all of my peers are so busy with their careers and newborns that there’s no time for attending church-sponsored social functions. And it seems that single people (myself aside, it seems sometimes) are even less likely to attend than couples. I am beginning to think that there are no other single people at the TWO churches I’ve been alternating between, getting involved with, etc..
@cherelle – Consider it a blessing that you are meeting people, period. And consider it a blessing that people, regardless of orientation, are asking you out to do things. My social life for the past 7-8 years has been retarded immensely because of the church and my beliefs. When my fiance of three years (who I had to meet on an online dating site) and I split (due to reasons which Jeff highlights) this past February, I’ve been stranded and virtually alone since then, my whole life seemingly dumped out on the table before me in shards. Meeting people hasn’t been easy in part because of my low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, but also because I identify so strongly with my Christianity that it’s almost made me this shallow, one-dimensional person.
Of course, I’ve made some strides. I guess I should give myself more credit. Rather than just being obsessed with reading theology or modern biblical scholarship in my bedroom, I’m now involved with an intentional Christian community who focuses on tending to the poor and disenfranchised of our city. I’ve made some friends there…but no intimate friendships. And the singles there are also scarce…and the ones that do exist either aren’t in a position to do things or just show a lack of interest through body language. Since May, I’ve been attending a Wednesday night service called Roots Revival, and I’ve been going out with some of the people afterwards to a pub for drinks and food. Roots Revival, in general, is mostly older folks, again no singles (or uninterested ones), and going out to the pub is becoming a chore…especially since this one girl started showing up and claiming every bit of limelight for herself. ChristianMingle.com was an interesting experience, but not one that I plan to repeat. Online dating at least gives you the perspective that there plenty of fish out there…but sometimes it seems as if statistics are against us. Most women on ChristianMingle never even replied to my greetings or getting to know one another. I guess they’re looking for a Prince William or David Beckham.
So, I say consider your blessings. I’d love for people to want to spend time with me regardless of their beliefs. I’m willing to suspend some of mine.
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mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}Embers&Ashes – These two sentences you said really hit the nail on the head for me: “My social life for the past 7-8 years has been retarded immensely because of the church and my beliefs….Meeting people hasn’t been easy in part because I identify so strongly with my Christianity that it’s almost made me this shallow, one-dimensional person.”
AnonymousCrap – I forgot to fix that before sending. Sorry.
This is as good thread….I am not a social butterfly and church was my safe place to meet people. I have even considered going simply for the social-“ness” of it.
I met the woman I married through a private oil-painting art studio held by a local artist. Over several weeks, our relationship became alive as images on canvas also became alive. We were exploring new ways of being and being together then became possible. The funny thing is that I didn’t really go there to meet anyone. I went there to paint but I ended up marrying someone. I guess the point is to just get out there and have diverse experiences and let magic happen.
AnonymousI have been dipping into a book recently about finding “the one” and it stated, simply, find someone whose life journey you can support and who can support yours. Quite an open description, I know, but I like it. It provides a nice heading to all of the other great ideas posted in this thread! God bless you in the answers!
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