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I’ve drafted a response to my church friend who asked why I’ve stopped coming to bible study. (ECC is the abbreviation of our church. And I know this is a private forum, but I also elided his email address.) I haven’t sent this yet. I left the original email in there, too.
Hi Erem.
This is a little difficult to reply to. Let me start by saying that I am not as Christian as I was a year ago.
Yes, I have been drifting away from ECC and it has been deliberate. I am on a spiritual journey, which you will remember I’ve mentioned before in bible study. I haven’t stopped learning about the bible, about the church nor about Christianity. I’ve never ever stopped learning, truth be told.
Jeremiah is an interesting book because of the background of why he spoke, what was happening to Israel at the time, how his words came to be written down and even why they are still around today. I happen to be learning more about this with my own research than merely reading the text with a bible study. I am also learning where modern scholarship sadly diverges from traditional church teachings and I’m getting weary of not being able to explore this in church nor in bible study. This is not sharing nor growing in Christ.
But Jesus Christ has given me permission to explore what spirituality means to me and for me – wherever it takes me. And this is important. I am not on my own, but I am not on the same journey as those in ECC, including yourself. And one thing I have learnt is that it doesn’t make sense to anyone who isn’t already out here. It just doesn’t.
I didn’t want to do it like this, but I don’t think I’ll be coming back at bible study.
Wade.
On Fri, 16 Aug 2013 10:38:57 +1000, Erem <–> wrote:
Hey Wade,
We missed you last night. I think that this is the fourth time in the five weeks of this term that you haven’t joined us for Bible Study. I don’t think this is normal behaviour, so I am writing to ask – what’s happening?
I am speaking out of love and concern for you here. I see you put a lot of importance and effort into constantly making it to your writer’s group. I don’t tend to see that same dedication in your attitude towards meeting with your fellow Christians on our Sunday meetings, or at Bible Study, and that makes me worried for you.
As we know, God wants us to remain in fellowship (Hebrews 10:25 – we are not to give up meeting together, but we are to encourage each other onwards). Not only is God’s purpose in that to allow us to help others and keep them strong, but it is for our own benefit and building up, too. That becomes quite difficult if we don’t see each other. An image that has often been used is of coals in a fire – take one out, and no matter how hot it was initially, it will cool down on its own. God doesn’t want us to cool down, hence he has given us ways to meet together, and encourages us to do so.
As we have mentioned before, the idea of going along to church for some “tick box” requirement is flawed. Going to church each Sunday doesn’t make you a Christian. But the other side of that is just as important to get right: being a Christian means you should go to church each Sunday! (at least! We should see the Sunday gatherings as a minimum, not a simple requirement).
So please, share with me – what’s going on? Why are you choosing to stay home and watch TV instead of coming to study God’s word, and share and grow with your Christian brothers and sisters? What has caused this withdrawal from our gatherings? Are there things going on that you aren’t sharing, or am I being mistaken about you only coming along on Sunday when you either are playing or doing food? I well may be, but that is the impression I am getting, and as I have said – it concerns me.
I hope to hear from you soon,
Erem.
I like your response, Wade, but am not sure your friend will accept it and let it go, particularly with phrases like, “I’m not as Christian as I was a year ago”, “on a spiritual journey”, or “learning more…with my own research”. Those are the kind of phrases I could see someone like him latching on to and giving a biblical reason why you need their church or Bible study. But then again, he might let it go, give you some space and check in you down the road That would be the better way to go about it versus continuing to try to cajole you back into coming. But it has been impressed upon some Christians that that is their duty. I say, be confident in your reasons for leaving and do not feel the need to answer everyone’s questions or concerns. Ultimately, those are theirs to deal with.
Every phrase has a purpose. But thanks for the heads-up about what might be flagged lines.
There may be more editing in the morning.I’m certain in my reasons for leaving. The hardest part is explaining without explaining because he won’t get it unless he’s gone through a similar process. He won’t get it that, either, but I know it’s the truth and it’s also possible to explain that one.
Wade.
Ugh. I’m trying to think how one responds to someone who doesn’t really care about your response, they just want a certain outcome: come back, be like you were, and quit watching TV! I’m thinking: “Thanks so much for your concern. I’m fine. The End.” Good luck. Your journey sounds infinitely more exciting and interesting than the Bible study you are leaving.
AnonymousWade – You wrote a great response.
I especially like your closing sentences: “I am not on the same journey as those in ECC, including yourself. And one thing I have learnt is that it doesn’t make sense to anyone who isn’t already out here. It just doesn’t.” You nailed it! They can’t possibly “get it” unless they too have felt something lacking in church/Bible Study and/or dared to start questioning and venturing out on their own. That is also what makes it so crazy-making to try to honestly answer questions like “why did you leave?” or “you need to come back and join us” statements. It’s like they are speaking English and you are speaking a totally foreign language they can’t possibly understand.
The sad part is there really is no way to have an open-minded discussion with people like that and so you have to settle for just walking away even though that isn’t the way you wanted to end the relationship. That’s about the only choice people like that give you. And then they can pat themselves on the back for trying to “make you see the light” but it’s YOUR fault because you didn’t want to “see the light!” No matter what you do, in their eyes, the demise of the relationship is going to be YOUR fault! So just prepare yourself for that and be ready to move on.
Wow Wade, Erem’s email comes across as manipulative and condescending. I think leaving is a healthy thing to do. I agree with Jo, “be ready to move on.” I like how you said you won’t be coming back.
Starfielder, yep. Erem is sure of what he believes is right and is not afraid to show it. He’s a Pastor’s Kid (a fact I only learnt recently) and this probably explains why he comes across as condescending when he does that. I’m used to it, but that doesn’t mean I always accept it. This is one time it’s not acceptable so I dished a little bit of own version back.
He also hasn’t shown any interest in what I’ve learnt about where scholarship and church tradition diverges, such as the origin of the scriptures. But then, I’m not surprised by that, either. I’ve seen Christian experts in Paul disagree with more neutral scholarship because they can’t let go of church tradition, so the average church-goer is going to struggle to even understand this.
Wade.
I wouldn’t go to that Bible study either Wade. Wipe the dust from your feet my friend.
AnonymousI think fundie Christians hang on so tightly to the whole “the Bible is inerrant, must be taken literally, and you are NOT allowed to question it” thing is because once a person realizes that is not true, it is only a matter of time before their other traditional Christian beliefs will crumble. That is why it is nearly impossible to reason with a fundie. It is just way too much of a threat to their entire belief system. They are like a bulldog with a bone. You are NOT going to take that bone away from them no matter what! And if you try they will rip you to shreds (out of “Christian concern” of course. GAG!) They can’t react any other way, because to them, it IS a matter of life or death (eternally speaking.) I think it helps to know that up front. There is simply no use trying to argue your point because you will NOT win! Far better to just gently let them go.
What @Jo White said.
Geez the judgmental attitude and condescension in his letter is alarming. I’d forgotten what church leaders can be like!! wow!!! Your letter is an intelligent, forthright and humble response. Job well done!
what @David said.
AnonymousWhen he said that going to church is a requirement– ugh, that is a hot button for me. I like your response- straight and to the point!
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