Parents are making home an oppressive place.

[MxMagpieParticipant]

Okay this was a really difficult one to decide on a topic for…

It was instigated by my Dad starting to read this book the pastor at his church recommended;

“Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert” (Link to amazon page)

Then today he mentioned that in the opening lines she states how she was a lesbian, feminist and intellectual. All good and fine things in my view, though the tone of the book seems to be “This is what I was and it was bad and I have repented now”. I know the theology of the pastor who recommended the book, and he wouldn’t have done so if it was pro-LGBT or feminist in any respect.

This is going to cause growing problems at home, which was already tenuous at best. I’d recently just started to break ground with my mum regarding the bible and homosexuality, and if Dad (which he probably will) preaches the conclusion of this book at her, she’s more than likely going to go along with it, undoing everything we’d talked through. Also dad will bring the topic up around me, that is guaranteed. Bit of background; I’ve always been known to be the outspoken one, even as a kid. I’d let my opinions be known and would be the first to turn something into a discussion. But at home, as a result of this environment I’ve had to resort to staying silent in response to direct questions whilst what they’re saying grates, upsets me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. Parents are definitely getting suspicious of this because it’s so out-of character. I’m honestly not sure how long I can keep bottling things up. or what else I should do…

Also, anyone know of that book? Anyone read it? I’d be thankful of any information about it that comes from an alternative source because it’s pretty hard to find…

[ShiftParticipant]

Ah yes I actually going to make a topic on this. I haven’t read it myself but I am already fearing the message it gives out. One of the triumph of conditioning of the church rather than that of a person who stood her ground despite coming to faith in Jesus >_< I can see why such a book was put into circulation, just another way for homosexuality and even gender equality to be called out as being wrong.

[HeleneParticipant]

Apols MxMagpie, I haven’t read the book. But you said this:

“I’ve always been known to be the outspoken one, even as a kid. I’d let my opinions be known and would be the first to turn something into a discussion. ”

Good for you – me too (I think I paid the price for not being one of those sideshow alley clowns though)

Then you said:

“But at home, as a result of this environment I’ve had to resort to staying silent in response to direct questions whilst what they’re saying grates, upsets me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. Parents are definitely getting suspicious of this because it’s so out-of character. I’m honestly not sure how long I can keep bottling things up. or what else I should do…”

I’m not sure if you should think of it as bottling things up. Alternatively, maybe you are being very savvy in keeping your own counsel?

Not sure if I can express myself ‘propa’ here, but I find I tended to argue/discuss with those who I thought were worth engaging with, who mattered to me, and who I wanted to influence/win over.  It’s hard, because I never wanted to be the sanguine person who nods their head but inside is thinking “fuck you, what you’re saying is crap” (and I never was)  because it seemed deceptive. But now that I’m getting older, maybe I’m wanting peace more, or I’ve lost my spirit of feistiness, or maybe I’m just getting wiser, I don’t know, but I don’t seem to operate at that level any more. Maybe because I’ve figured out that words are really secondary – that it’s how we live our life?

I would encourage you to keep being – with your education, your job, your partner, etc – all those things that we choose that round and balance out our lives and make us who we are. Parents, hmm, you can’t choose them. Maybe employ loving detachment?

 

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what to tell you about whether to stay silent or not. There are both pros and cons to both sides when it comes to staying silent vs stating your true opinion. Sometimes when I bottle things up for long periods of time, then when I do finally say something, it comes out way more intense, emotional, and defensive, which causes  more damage than if I had just said how I felt to begin with. At least if I had done that, I could have said it much more calmly, rationally and without getting defensive. Once one person gets defensive it almost guarentees the other person will respond with defensiveness, and that pretty much negates any chance of them actually thinking about and considering your opinion.

I caught a snippet of a TV talk show (can’t remember which one) where Nate Burkus (the very creative gay interior designer who does room make-overs, etc.) was talking about a conversation he had with his father (which sounded like his father had some issues with whether being gay is OK or not). I love the way Nate handled it. He just kept redirecting the conversation back to questions like these:  “Dad, do you respect me?” Do you trust my judgment? Have I turned out to be a responsible, caring and loving human being? What qualities and accomplishments make you proud of me as your son? Was that ingenius or what?

[MxMagpieParticipant]

@Helene I totally see where you’re coming from there, and sorry if you weren’t actually thinking this but I’ll just say, I’m not one to start an argument wherever and make sure everyone knows what I think about everything I’m not THAT person. I do, like you said, know when to speak and when not to. The reason I mentioned the outspokenness was to get the point across that my parents are noting my lack of any response whatsoever as being very unusual and a sign of disagreement. Most of the time I would give some sort of reply, but now I’ve got into the habit of saying nothing at all or leaving the room. I have very good communication with my parents and we talk about a lot of things, so for me to do this isn’t really normal.

For many years I had to lie. They expected a response and I gave them one, by telling them I shared with their opinions when I really didn’t. I can’t really do that anymore, so that’s partly why I’ve ended up here. Another reason is that they don’t realize what they are doing when they rant about the opinions they disagree with, they’re also ranting at me. In short, it’s painful.

@Jo White That is to be honest what I’m worried about. If I ever came truly clean I think there would be some kind of explosion. My dad also gets very defensive very easily. Mention anything even slightly or subtly  pro-same-sex marriage and that’s it.

And ah yes, good tact! Good way of doing it, finding relateable ground to work on. I’ve tried to do that by going back to topics we agree on to some extent which has been working so far.

Thanks, both of you!

[Anonymous]

Hi MxMagpie: So I read the whole blurb on Amazon and honestly my first thought was “Well, I hope at least this woman and/or her partner is still rescuing dogs!” And my second was, “It’s her life, to me it seemed pretty good and it’s too bad she had to go and ruin it with religion.” But then again, who am I to say? She had to be true to herself, I guess, and I hope she was. I have no desire to read the book, however. I have a Ph.D. in being forced to be inauthentic and silent at home with my parents. While I had to live with them, there was really no other way to keep peace. My mother is mentally ill and my father as a result of being so whipped by her was a silent, extraordinarily angry man. Me being an empath I felt his smoldering rage 24/7/365. I tried to help them as best I could by being compliant and not causing trouble, since they were both so troubled already. Speaking out or up usually brought shame, derision, sometimes hitting, etc. I will say that my father died young of emphysema and everyone else in my family has cancer. I finally spoke my truth and chose to end my relationship with them. I do believe there are health consequences to repeatedly stuffing your feelings, both emotionally and physically. I also believe in doing what you have to do to keep yourelf safe in any given environment, even if that happens to be your parent’s home. If I recall you are a young adult in University. As you continue to grow, you will find more venues to speak your truth, and you will find people who love and accept you unconditionally. You will naturally move out of your parent’s house at some point and this may help your relationship with them by giving you each a break from each other. Your parents will catch on that if they do not accept you the way you are, they will sacrifice having a truly honest and intimate relationship with you. That is a choice they will have to make; personally I hope they dig deep and make the choice to love you fully, feely and without condition or limit. You have loved them enough to give them an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth; you have loved yourself enough to be authentic with them and others and I hope they return that love in kind.

[ShiftParticipant]

Basically what roseyaire said!

[MxMagpieParticipant]

@roseyaire Thank you so much for your response. It was so encouraging and struck a particular chord for some reason. I agree about the author. She has the perfect right to do what she feels best with her life, it’s just the fact that she wrote a book about it. I haven’t read it so I can’t comment fully but it does seem to come across as being anti-intellectual, anti-lesbian and anti-feminist at least :/

And wow, your experiences with your family serve to put mine into perspective. I’m sorry it was so hard :/ It does encourage me though, to not give up and to stay strong. And you remembered rightly. The situation at the moment is that I’m at my university residence during the week and at home at the weekends ( I couldn’t be away from my cat too long, he’d sulk :P) but it also serves to keep up the pretense that I am going to church, when most of the time I just stay at home, every week I have to lie.  During the week my partner bears the brunt of the experiences of the weekend. I love them for being there to listen, we are on the same page with beliefs so talking is very encouraging and gives me the strength to come back every weekend… though the summer will not be easy. As you said, when I move out things will undoubtedly improve.  And yes, if I didn’t have my partner to sort through things there may have been much more damage caused by this whole thing . Thank you again for your encouraging words. So helpful. All of you

[David HaywardKeymaster]

It’s interesting MxMagpie… I didn’t have to struggle with my family or parents about my sexuality, but with my spirituality. I tread very softly around my parents and make every effort to not provoke a discussion in that area. It never ends well. But if we do “go there”, I try to be as gentle as possible and lobby the question back into their court.

[MxMagpieParticipant]

Thanks adminDavid, that sounds like a good tactic. Keeping things civil is the best to hope for in some cases and it’s what I’d like to achieve. It seems a lot of us on here have had to find workarounds to deal with some people. I’ll take that advice on board, thank you!

[Anonymous]

I can speak similarly as David about the spiritual side of things. Prior to tslkign about this I was silent. I gaave it a couple of years after talking for the family to get used to it biting my tounge anxiety etc. Until there was one huge argument with my parents where both of them ordered me out of the house. just befor I slammed the door on them – I said to my dad that I loved them both and that if things were to continue like that, that I woudn’t spend time with the family at  the normal family gathering at Christmas.

My sister in law tried to get me to see thigns differently and I engaged accordingly wiht her. My brothers and my sister laid into me about parents and the sister in law calling the sister in law “sweet”. A few years down the line and my brother is divorced fomr my sister in law with her having been abusive to him both physically and verbally. The younger of my tow brothers respects me but doesn’t like me. And my sister neither resepcts or likes me.

Befroe my dad died 4 years ago the barriers came down and there was a peace and closeness between us in the last few months of his life. My mum when she sufferend depression after his death, I was there for her in that and through that the barriers came down betwen her and I and we have a great relationship now. I’ve tried reconciling wiht my siblings with either no answer or hostile reactions and mum now id a comfort to me with giving advice to live my lif without concerning myself abuot the sad things that have happened in the family. And she has been a suppor to me wiht my sister – my sister turning her anger on mum for giving that advice!

It has been truamatic.  the best advice I can give of the back of my own expereince is to discover who you are and to the principles you choose to adhere to, not handed down to by your family, what sociey says you have to be like etc so discover that for yourself and where you fit in all of that. It’s great to hear you are in university – and being exposed to different expereinces. I remeber having a great time wiht that when I was at uni. A real time for thinking and discovereing, learning and adventure. But I would also say be aslo kind, undertanding and graceful to your family. They might not understand your situation and choices and sometimes when they act in anger or hostility it is out of their own unawareness fears and maight be wanting the best for you but maybe going about it in damagin ways. Flip I used to get beaten with a leather shoe when I was younger and it wasn’t always my fault for the trouble – my sister was the apple of dad’s eye and she knew how to get me into trouble if she took a disliking to me! Mum said that when I was grownig up I was the closesd to dad and it was me that got the beating! Being the edest I had to be the most reponsible.

Gosh that make my family sound terrible. They weren’t really and most of the time they were good loving people but got things wrong just like the rest of us.

I know family can be tough and may even feel unbearable at times – have yuo read anythign about boundaries?

[Author]

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