This topic contains 14 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by 
Ellie 1 year, 4 months ago.
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AnonymousOk. A little backstory.
Spending over a decade in the Vineyard church, my definition, understanding and experience of “community” was distorted and reshaped into something horribly dysfunctional. My reaction to that was to eschew community of any kind of a formal variety – which ultimately led to a avoiding it altogether outside of family. This was a huge switch for me, as @John can verify – when we worked together, I was actually the Small Group Community Pastor…haha. My whole life had been based around intentional, alternative community. This was part and what eventually destroyed my marriage – this dysfunctional sense of community – where our house became a revolving door of people living there, hanging out there, the line between my family and my “community” became so blurred that it wore us out and eventually there were no boundaries left. One by one each normal, healthy familial boundary withered away in the name of “Christ Centered Community”….but it wasn’t Christ centered at all. It was centered on human ego and the need to be needed.
When that whole structure came crashing down, I became a post-war isolationist. I was solitary. I withdrew from all friendships. I spent the next several years alone, except for two dear friends. One of whom had been my closest friend since about 1991. So we had enough history to weather my storm. Since then, I became “that guy” who has a billion acquaintances, but no friends. I didn’t want them. I had decided my path was a solitary one. I don’t mind reciprocal, transactional relationships – but I kept everyone at arms length. No reason to be vulnerable. No reason to be that open again. I was completely shut down. Only recently have I realized that part of that shut down was not only against people, but against God.
Now don’t get me wrong, my definitions of “god” have changed drastically and I firmly believe that the god of my youth is a fabrication of human imagination. Each culture, historically has a tendency to take the idea of universal divinity and consciousness and create an anthropomorphized God. Especially in the west where the archetype of that is repeated in successive Zeus-like figures. However, I can no longer deny that if there is a God (a job title, not a name, by the way), s/he must certain be truly All in All. We are all emanations of that divine presence and if we, collectively and individually, possess some sort of consciousness and personhood, then I can’t shake how that must logically mean that this divinity must possess some sort of supra-consciousness. Maybe that’s where my brain and metaphors both break down – I don’t know…I’m just thinking out loud here.
However, my interior landscape was shut down to this idea inasmuch as it was also shut down to transformative human community as well.
Now, recently, I’ve had a series of conversations with an old friend who keeps echoing this idea that everyone needs a tribe – that we, as humans, are tribal people and everyone needs their community. I don’t know if I buy that (yet) but it has been challenging me to at least consider the concept and debate it within myself. In the midst of that, I find TLS. As I said earlier, I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to like this place. But you tricky little fuckers you. You drew me in with your compassion and your safety. You gave me a place to speak my mind without fearing being shot at. I cannot communicate how powerful this was for me. For the last 5 years, my life’s mantra has been to live “full of compassion and free of judgment.” At times I do pretty good with that – at other times, not so good. But this community, if I can call you that, embody it very well. Thank you.
So, now, on the heels of this, I get this friend request on FB from someone I don’t know, but someone I notice with whom I share a number of real life friends. One of whom was one of those two real, true friends I spoke of earlier – Phil Shepherd, the Whiskey Preacher. Phil and I go way back and he’s been an invaluable friend to me through the years. He’s one of the only people who, once I walked away from Christianity, continued to encourage me that, perhaps I hadn’t actually left a larger idea of Christianity – just a simple-minded brand of it. I still don’t know, but that’s beside the point. I walked away. I voluntarily became an “outsider”, but he continued to treat me and view me as an “insider” – THIS was powerful for me…THIS is true community.
So this friend request I got on FB was a friend of his, but someone who lives within relatively close distance to my house (within an hour’s drive…and here in Houston, that’s close!). So I was cautious, but interested.
I accepted the friend request and soon after got a private message from him inviting me to come hang out for an evening, drink, smoke cigars, and just get to know each other. Because of his relationship to Phil, I accepted and thought, “Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Then the cyber stalking began. I checked out who he was and what he was like. I found his website, which is brilliant by the way. His does these beautiful short documentaries with people I have always looked up to – even since I left Christianity….people like Shane Claiborne, Derek Webb, David Wilcox, NT Wright, Jay Bakker, Stanley Hauerwas, Peter Rollins….people who’s theological or artistic work still impact my thinking. People who, in my opinion, supersede any type of religion. So as I’m looking through some of the video’s on this guys website (http://www.theworkofthepeople.com) I run across a theologian I had recently heard OF but didn’t know anything about – Richard Rohr. With some investigation, I realized Rohr has actually done a lot with the Enneagram, with which I’m intimately familiar and he’s apparently not only a Franciscan but a Jungian at that! I have to tell you, it kinda blew my mind a bit. So…I’m looking through the Rohr videos and see one entitled The Cosmic Christ (http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/the-cosmic-christ) and decided I had to check it out. What I heard, BLEW my fucking mind. Every. Last. Molecule. This guy was saying EVERYTHING I’ve been saying for the last four years and yet he’s on the “inside”. Now, admittedly, he considers himself on the edge of the inside….but the inside nonetheless. It threw the largest wrench imaginable in my giant middle-finger to Religion. I still don’t know what to do with it, exactly, but I’m just expressing how this part of my journey became one big confluence after another….things became more convoluted….exponentially so….and in a good way. As one more side note, you should really watch this video….it could probably be it’s own thread of discussion as well.
Now, I was hooked. I thought, okay, Travis (the new FB friend and the guy who’s company this is) is on to something….I think he and I could really enjoy an evening of conversation at least.
So I accept.
And Friday night I showed up at his house about 4:30pm. We instantly lit up cigars, poured the Glenfiddich I brought…and it was like, “Fuckin’ game on.”
After 7 hours of sitting in his backyard, smoking….drinking…and breathing in the wonder of creation, imagination, and being a loved creature….I finally left to go home. The most wonderful part was that I left to go home with a new friend. Guy…I HAVE A NEW FRIEND. I can’t overemphasize how big of a deal this is.
Travis and I both talked about our struggle to buy into the concept that everyone needs a tribe – but we both agree that we need friends.
Now, what any of this means to my relationship with religion – I couldn’t care less. That’s not the point. The point is that I found a new incarnational, intentional friend. Together, we can experience the mystery of divine relationality. Together, we can embody the concept of community. And for the first time in years, I’m stepping into community. And YOU, dear TLSers, were the icepick that started breaking through that frozen fortification.
Thank you.-
This topic was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by
David Hayward.
Wow @the-shaeman!! That story is stuck in my mind forever now. My daughter bought me a bottle of Glenfiddich for Father’s Day. I drink it alone
AnonymousThat’s pretty cool! Um, I mean except for the alone part. Sorry to hear that…I’d share a bottle with you.
I think I can word it this way: I left The Church and found The Kingdom of God. I told a friend yesterday (the second of the two I referenced above) that I felt a sort of homecoming near, only to find out I never left the reservation…and more than that – I couldn’t. If the entire world is God’s then I can’t get away from The Kingdom. I just got rid of the bullshit.
No you are not grandstanding….it sounds like you went from one extreme to the other and have now found a middle ground….I call that life! Extremes are never good and often in response we go to the extreme in the opposite direction only to realize that is no better. I have been there.
“If the entire world is God’s then I can’t get away from The Kingdom.” I LOVE THAT!
Shae…i could have written this because it was exactly what happened to me: “My whole life had been based around intentional, alternative community. This was part and what eventually destroyed my marriage – this dysfunctional sense of community – where our house became a revolving door of people living there, hanging out there, the line between my family and my “community” became so blurred that it wore us out and eventually there were no boundaries left. One by one each normal, healthy familial boundary withered away in the name ‘Christ Centered Community’….but it wasn’t Christ centered at all. It was centered on human ego and the need to be needed.”
Even after my marriage failed and we no longer pastored a church, I continued to hang on to an idealistic dream of this kind of community. It took another crisis eight years later for me to finally acknowledge that, after a lifetime of trying to make it happen, it was a mirage; pseudo-community marked by shallow, functional intimacy that evaporated when I stepped outside the lines.
I am happy for your newfound friendship…..and slightly jealous. I am having trouble dipping my toe back into the relational pool and your story gives me hope.
AnonymousWhat a beautiful connection with this soul, @the-shaeman. This is lovely…..thank you for telling us about it.
AnonymousWow. @McBeth. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words.
I do indeed hope that, dipping your toes in again, you truly find holistic, functional, life-giving relationship. As much as that’s abused by so many, it IS indeed our basic nature. I think, perhaps, that’s why it IS so easily abused by others. The need is universal and the call is very deep.
AnonymousAuthentic. The dude abides.
Anonymous@the-shaeman — thanks for sharing.
I am probably about where you are in this whole journey. I can’t figure out this whole “god” thing and I think I am done trying…for now.You really hit the nail on the head about intentional community living. It is so dysfunctional.
AnonymousI think I did my tag wrong on that comment to @bethann. Let’s see if that one works. And to @wayne-rumsby – BEST. MOVIE. EVER. Ok, maybe not ever…but one of my favorites for sure. @kimt, I think it’s okay to “be” wherever you are. It’s a hell of a lot better than faking it. Thank you @wanderer and @agnosticbeliever – glad to be a part of this journey with you guys – ALL of you. Thank you.
Anonymous@Shae Cottar
Freakin’ awesome man.
AnonymousShaeman – I’m so glad you took the risk and accepted that guy’s offer to get together! That is SO AWESOME that you have a new friend – especially who understands exactly where you’re coming from! I am fortunate to have some good friends, but no one who really “gets” where I’m at spiritually. But that’s ok. I’m still trying to figure things out and can’t really articulate my thoughts very clearly now anyway. I know it will come. Thanks for sharing your good news!!!
Thank you for sharing this @the-shaeman . You are so right! We need relationship. After two years I am ready and finally recognize my need for a friend (an authentic one, someone who is not afraid )… I had shut most out and vise versa after leaving the church. I am so excited for you but a tad jealous.
I just read this and am so glad I did. Thanks for sharing, Shae. We did intentional community for a while. All I can say is, you have to have lived it to understand how pervasively difficult it can be. Afterwards, I kinda wanted to be a hermit.
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