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What I know now is so different than what I knew then.
I so want to whisper back and tell my idealistic 14 year old self that following religion will never get me the answer I wanted.
I want to look back and hug that wonderful, searching, insecure, brave and hopeful girl and tell her how long the road is and how far she will come.
As she sits in the kitchen of her childhood, in the Middle East, wondering about Islam and it’s lack of mercy and grace and wonders if somehow this Jesus offered a way to journey that is life giving, that she will find her way.
I want to hold her hand as she is sent across the sea to live with relatives and continue her education at the fundamentalist stronghold of Tim LaHaye (Left Behind Series) and David Jeremiah’s (Turning Point Ministries) church and school, where the gospel they are preaching is not as free as the one she is looking for.
I want to tell her that she will never be good enough for their gospel and it’s a good thing!
I want to cheer her on as she asks questions. I want to scold her for believing that if she does the right things she will be good and right and thus her life will be rosy.
I want to look her in the eye and help her see that God is big enough for all people, all doubt, all lack of belief and that it’s okay to be afraid and admit it.
I want to hug her as she cries through her freshman year at Biola University uneasy with the way she is taught to follow Christianity. I want her to know that all the questions when she left, from people who stayed, were only the best they could do. I want to walk beside her as she finds her way to a Vineyard church where there are fewer rules and at times it seems to get messy but she will feel more alive and it will be life-giving. I want to encourage her that all her years in college participating in InterVarsity will help her along the journey but it will not be the final answer. There is more. There is always more.
I want to remind my today self that I can hear for myself what is good and true.
I can follow and hold what is life giving. I can hear, even when I don’t have answers. I can sit in the mystery.
I tap myself on the shoulder and say loud enough so I can hear, that the holy no is just that, a holy NO. (thank you Richard Rohr!) And that having this “holy no” boundary and thus saying “no” to a pastor will land me in hot water where I will be slandered, maligned, called names, triangulated against, and then shunned.
I want me to know that my story is not finished even now. I will tell my today self, all these years later that this too will pass. I will walk out in the wide beautiful world free from that name calling, not good enough, cacophony called church. I will be part of a different church with no walls.
I will travel on in my journey, trusting the voice I heard inside me all those years ago when I was young and searching, wooing me towards grace and freedom.beautiful
AnonymousWow! Your words are so powerful and your insights so beautiful! Thanks for sharing Starfielder.
Thanks David. Thanks jo.
AnonymousBeautiful
AnonymousAbsolutely beautiful.
Thank you Danielle.
“I want to remind my today self that I can hear for myself what is good and true.I can follow and hold what is life giving. I can hear, even when I don’t have answers. I can sit in the mystery.”
These are powerful lines that reflect the words of Jesus:
“Don’t call anybody on earth your father, because you have one Father, who is heavenly. Don’t be called teacher, because Christ is your one teacher.”
It seems like the human desire to “know”–to have answers, leads us so often into bondage under those who profess to have the answers. I think that God really intends for us to be more concerned about the questions, and to be willing to rest in the mystery of “not knowing.” Personally, I sincerely doubt that any of us has a small percentage of the ability to “know” but we do have the ability to rest in the mystery.
Greg, true words yet how many of us are willing to sit in the mystery of the unknowing? So far it’s taken me a whole lifetime just to be in this moment… I fight against it so often… thank you for responding. peace.
One of my favourite quotations:
The unanswered questions aren’t nearly as dangerous as the unquestioned answers!
For far too long my faith was based on head knowledge when true faith is based on heart awareness.
I have seen it suggested that faith is a catalyst that brings about a fusion between man and God – an intimate encounter – a treasure that needs to be experienced. Maybe this fusion takes a lifetime! It’s certainly taken me a long time to appreciate it. Sadly other members of my family don’t appreciate it now – but as I know that Hell awaits nobody at death I recognise that they will have an opportunity for them to understand later.
ah good point Pete!
AnonymousStarfielder, I also appreciate your beautiful words! And yes, I joke that I’m going through “a midlife crisis without the affair,” but it’s not really a crisis. Not in the negative sense. It’s a taking stock, looking back, sifting through the rubble to take what is good and leave the rest. I, too, want to hug the younger me that was always having panic attacks. I want to tell her when she enrolls at Messiah College hoping that she’ll fit in better there than in high school and finds out she has the opposite problem– not fitting in because she’s “not religious ENOUGH”! I want to take that girl’s hand and tell her she’s good and beautiful and smart just the way she is, that she’s whole and good and alive and that she doesn’t NEED to fit in, but to keep fighting for her soul. She did, but she felt guilty even as she fought against the conservative theology of college. I want to tell her it’s ok to be different! To even be told she’s going to hell! I want to tell her that God is NOT the distant, remote, narcisstic man she called father who is never ever pleased and who is disappointed at the slightest infraction on her part. I want to tell her that God is more like the mother inside of her that is waiting to be brought forth; kind, loving, embracing, nurturing, encouraging, unconditional… I know now that the journey wasn’t all a waste. The learning, the struggling, the fighting to breathe, etc., all brought me here, scars and all.
Thanks for your wonderful post!
Ah Pegasus! You are welcome. I like your words as well!
Wow, great post, Star.
Hey! Thank you Randy!
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