To My Kids on Mother's Day

[McBethParticipant]

Posted this today on my blog and thought I would share with my TLS friends:

I am so blessed to call these four unique individuals my children and extremely grateful that their distinct and viewpoints and lifestyles have influenced my life. 

When I looked at that little bundle of joy over thirty years ago, I quietly resolved that I would do it right. As a 20 year old with a less-than-perfect childhood, I innocently and confidently believed that if I tried hard enough, believed the right things, taught the right things and shielded my kids from some things, I could mold them into strong and passionate adults who believed correctly and didn’t make the same mistakes I did.

As ridiculous as that looks in print, I don’t judge that young woman. Though misguided and naive, her resolve was pretty amazing and allowed me to plunge into motherhood with a focus that altered the course of my life. As much as I thought I would be the change agent, it is clear to me now that it was my children who have shaped me.

I learned some valuable lessons as a young mom; the world didn’t revolve around me, there is value of sacrifice, and my life could have a higher purpose. And while these are clear examples of how motherhood shaped me, more significant are the ways my children, as unique people, have influenced me. 

I will let my kids tell their own stories, but let’s just say that some of their choices as young adults were very diffcult to understand and inconsistent with how they were raised. And for a while…it was just hard. Sadly, their transition into freethinking adults felt like some kind of betrayal and caused me to wrestle hard with what it all meant. But when I realized that my own internal struggle was being interpreted as rejection, it caused me to stop in my tracks. I knew I had two choices: I could continue to live in denial of who they are and risk injuring our relationship, or I could adjust my way of thinking in order to see them as people, not clones of me. Because I was unwilling to lose my relationship with any of them, I finally opened my eyes a bit and stopped fighting my expectations.

I made the right choice.

Each of my kids causes me to think….deeply, and I love that. I would just as soon chat with one of them about important issues as with any other academic or scholar I know. As I began paying closer attention and started listening more, I realized that as they have matured, they are making their choices with eyes-wide open and with an intellectual grounding that I admire greatly. Their thoughts, ideas and social commentary challenge me, as do our discussions on philosophy, social justice or my mistakes as a mom!!

As a direct result of my children’s influence my politics have changed, my theology has exploded and my heart has widened. My family is a bit of a microcosm of the larger world and I have had the amazing opportunity to learn to how to truly embrace others in a way that goes beyond political or religious affiliations, pain and difference. As a Christian, I am particularly glad about this, because where others may deal theoretically with issues such as religious tolerance, privilege and poverty, racism, immigration, gay rights, or mental illness, I have been fortunate enough to live them, which has forced me to expand my ideas about God.

Sadly, I haven’t always treated my kids with the respect I now feel. There were many years that I couldn’t see their individuality and unique voices as beautiful. That memory is painful and challenges me to grow. And while I know better than to take too much credit or blame for the successes or failures of my children, I can take credit for how I choose to move forward and forge our relationships from here.  

Like their mother, my children are far, far from perfect and I continue to struggle with my expectations. In fact, I don’t always like them or what they do. But I respect them wholeheartedly and love them fiercely….a paradox that maybe only another mom can understand.

Thanks kids…and Happy Mother’s Day to me!

 

 

• This topic was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  McBeth.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

that’s beautiful @McBeth. thanks so much for sharing that with us. i identify with it strongly.

[McBethParticipant]

Thanks, David. My kids have been instrumental in my journey and catalysts for much of the deconstruction.

[starfielderParticipant]

Wow @McBeth! This is encouraging to read! Thank you. I love it!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely beautiful McBeth!! Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

@McBeth Totally loved this.  Wanted to say thank you, too.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Oh ya… my kids have been instrumental in my demise as well. I mean deconstruction.

[McBethParticipant]

Thanks for the kind words all……

I am working hard on being more vulnerable with my writing  and it is taking a lot of courage to write about some topics. Sharing about my kids has been particularly sensitive because they have all taken very divergent paths as they moved from “preacher’s kids” into adulthood and exposing this separates me further from my former environment. My ex-religious friends will secretly shake their heads at how sad their choices are, but I am fiercly proud of their spiritual independence.

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