This topic contains 17 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by 
Andreas 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
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Not sure if this belongs here but here goes. I often find I don’t only feel one thing towards something, my feelings are mixed or rather in layers and sometimes a bottom layer moves up top and becomes more prominent. Today, for some reason, I’ve been feeling very resentful towards religion. It’s been a part of my life for the last 10 years and I think it came to me at the worst possible time. Perhaps I’m not alone in feeling that it did?
I was 20 at the time and I wasn’t yet sure where I was supposed to go in life. And as I entered Christianity it was made so clear that life is about following Christ. And so I began awaiting God’s will, which certainly felt comfortable since it was no longer up to me to figure things out, a superior being led the way as it were. That’s where I would have needed someone to shake me and tell me that it isn’t so, to not make myself so comfortable in that mindset. I also became afraid to do the wrong thing, to not be in God’s will, and when I’d finally managed to decide what was the right thing to do it inevitably consisted of something Church-related – be it Bible school, missionary trips or communes.
I believe this intrusion of religion at that time in my life made me passive towards life, learning to await rather than act or create. Today I find I lack those skills perhaps when I need them the most. And that angers me and it hurts a lot to think about and I resent religion for doing that. I wish someone had told me that it’s ok to be active, to make my voice heard, to have opinions and feel things, to find out what I really want and make independent decisions. To not be so fucking focused on what God wants and the prophesies of others. I wish I’d been told that it is imperative that I learn to be in control of my life. I wish someone would have showed me what assuming control looks like.
Fuck. Today this really hurts. Today it feels like my teachers and pastors had no idea what they were doing. Today I feel like religion held me back 10 years or so instead of helping me grow up. And what hurts the most is knowing that ultimately I was the one who chose to accept it and remain in it.
I can really relate to this. Except I was born and raised in the church and didn’t get out until a few years ago, and it takes a long time to get out if you ever really do all the way. Stuff is so ingrained. I think we stopped going to church at all 3 or 4 yrs back and I’m 37. All the choices we made about our lives were centered on God and church, and not what made up fulfilled or happy. We have 4 kids because that’s what a woman is good for, sex and child bearing. Love my kids, but would I have made the same choices? I’ve never had a real job and am financially dependent on my husband. Bad choice IMO looking back on it. So now half my life is gone and I’m trying to figure out how to compensate for all the years lost to me. I’m a songwriter and I think I feel I need to redeem some of it, because at the very least I have learned so much and have vast and rich experience to draw on that I wouldn’t necessarily have had. I like who I am, and I wouldn’t be who I am without all the shit I’ve been through. SO, for me it’s important to accept it all. Embrace it and try not to regret but focus on redemption. Could I have gotten to this exact moment in time without all of it, maybe I would be a regular person settling for a regular life but I am determined to make the most of the time I have and not settle for anything less than figuring out what I want out of life and doing whatever it takes to get it.
I totally relate. I spend a lot of time contemplating how to integrate it with who I am.
Thanks guys. Yeah, not regretting it, acceptance and integration are big hurdles for me. Your words inspire me, Jul – figuring out what one wants and pursuing it sounds about right. If you do get back into writing songs, perhaps we get to hear one?
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This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Andreas.
I get this too, Andreas. I’ve been in churches for over 30 years and remain active in one (and my wife recently became a minister) but I have become increasingly angry and sad at how religion can make us almost fatalistic. Last Sunday I listened to a bright, keen 21-year old talking in the morning service sermon about his plans to teach in a mission organization for the next two years, and saying how “we must do everything in God’s strength, not our own” and being sad at how he had been fed such nonsense. I avoid this service except when I need to be there, and concentrate on our vagabond evening community full of people with addiction, mental health and personal failure issues where there is a good deal more reality and I can help people find themselves and their potential a bit more and feel supported in the crap they often deal with day by day. I’ve learned more about myself, others, God and religion in six years with this crowd than in the rest of my “religious” life put together. All the best to you continuing to dig your way out.
Andreas, I started back at songwriting a couple of years ago and recently we moved to the nashville area to try our luck with it. You can find some of my songs on sound cloud, Julie-Anne Morris. They are just work tapes basically, no professional recordings yet but hopefully soon I’ll have some decent demos.
Yeah, I totally expected things to just drop out of the sky. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that was not true but that was Satan attacking me by planting seeds of doubt. I now understand that I have to take a proactive role in my life and that I can make a lot of things happen. Not all of it, but a good chunk of it.
Jul said, “at the very least I have learned so much and have vast and rich experience to draw on that I wouldn’t necessarily have had. I like who I am, and I wouldn’t be who I am without all the shit I’ve been through. SO, for me it’s important to accept it all“. I can relate to that. When I look back on my own journey I sense that I have had a life time (I’m 78) of learning how life should not be lived. I’ve been away from ‘traditional’ Christianity for more than 40 years. I’ve been watching the accelerating demise of CHRISTENDOM especially over the last 12 years that seems to be directly related to the use of broadband and the opportunities to QUESTION what we were taught and hear many alternative ‘interpretations’.
It was only about 5 years ago that I finally had to tell my wife that I could no longer attend church with her (she doesn’t drive and I still take her and pick her up about 3 hours later). I find it amazing how much my thoughts have changed since then and I’ve recently finished developing my blog that tells something of that whole journey. They say that there is a book in each of us – instead of writing a book I’ve spent 14 years developing a blog. A few days ago I wrote this Post entitled, “Time to Step Back!”:
How do you share a story that has had so many twists and turns? I did say that instead of writing a book I started developing a web site 14 years ago. I’ve learned so much especially over the last 12 years from people I have shared with on the internet – and that has been a real privilege.There have been many stepping stones; many changes of direction; friends who have moved in different directions; and not a little uncertainty. But as a ‘self-taught’ believer (an agnostic theist) who has never been an Evangelical or Charismatic I have a faith that I can hold on to ‘loosely’.
I’d like to think that I can go on asking some of those awkward questions to which there are no easy answers – and go on encouraging others to THINK for THEMSELVES!
I realise that my blog is much more like a web site but that’s how it all started. But from this point on I plan to use it in a more conventional way for any topic that catches my attention.
For now I sense it is time to take a sabbatical from both Facebook and TLS but if anyone would like to share any thoughts that would be fine.
The blog is “Outside the Goldfish Bowl”Pete: Have you considered collecting all your blog posts and making a book out of them?
I’m not surprised Godfrey, groups like that are invaluable – I imagine no one gets away with bullshit there. All the best to you too.
Thanks Julie-Anne, I looked it up and listened to a couple, awesome stuff! Especially liked ‘Can’t take the weight’ and ‘Everybody knows but me.’
Yeah, AgnosticBeliever, I also used to blame a lot on Satan and his demons.
Yeah, Pete, what David said – maybe gather together a form of anthology?
Andreas, I sense that maybe you feel a bit guilty about staying in religion. I think one can underestimate the unhealthy hold some forms of religion have on an individual. Often there is the threat of hell or the earthly demise of the sinner that keeps one in unhealthy religion. If you can, try focusing on building a healthy spirituality for yourself (if that’s what you want) that doesn’t worry about correctness or pleasing anyone. Maybe that’s helpful. Good luck to you, Andreas, and I’m sorry for the suffering you had in the name of “religion.”
Thank you Derek. Yes, I believe worrying about correctness and pleasing people has been a big part of me. Do you mean I feel guilty about staying in religion because I believe differently?
And I can’t in good conscience say that I’ve had to endure suffering, not considering some of the horrific stories here and elsewhere where people have truly suffered. I think this post was just a way of looking back at the last ten years from a different viewpoint, writing down how that feels.
Of course. Worrying about correctness and pleasing people has been a large part of my journey as well. The reason I said you might feel guilty is because of what you wrote here: “And what hurts the most is knowing that ultimately I was the one who chose to accept it and remain in it.” It seems you are blaming yourself for not leaving, and I am suggesting that we often underestimate the power religion can have over us. It can make us feel trapped, and there is no shame for feeling that way. Some forms of religion manipulate the believer into fear. I also wouldn’t downplay the bad effects religion has had on you. Just because your experience may not seem to compare to others’, doesn’t mean yours isn’t a valid negative experience. You were wronged, and there is nothing wrong in acknowledging that. In fact, you may have to in order to move on. But it looks like you may have already done that. Best wishes to you on your journey.
Thanks Derek, yes normally I do tend to downplay structural forces and mostly focus on what I did wrong or could have done differently. Even though I feel how unhealthy that can be. That tendency to mainly blame myself is no doubt linked to religious thought. Thanks for pointing it out to me, I might not have seen it otherwise.
You’re welcome. I’m glad I was helpful. Best wishes.
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This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by
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