This topic contains 17 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by 
Andreas 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
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While I was still very pro-active about doing things (thanks, perfectionist nature) like getting a degree and pursuing a career, this “God’s will” thing did intrude in my life in many ways. It screwed with my idea of “normal”. I’d feel guilty and shallow when I did things like read, watch a film, read a magazine – because I wasn’t out winning souls, which clearly was the most important thing. The “soul winning” activities, and other things done for “God’s kingdom”, were the only deep things in life – the only things that really mattered. Today I rested my head on my boyfriend’s shoulder while we watched a movie and it was one of the first times I could just let go and enjoy that moment. What a strange, strange effect religion can have on your brain.
Andreas, I could have been writing all of your post, except the damage has been longer than ten years. The anger has gone, now I have the grief and depression at ‘what could have been’. I also realise I can’t linger there too long either. I’m now working through the shame, that I haven’t ‘got my act together’ (ie enviable career, house in desirable location, new model car, husband with orthodontically pleasing teeth and no sprouting ear hair). I liked the discussion about structure/agency between you and Derek, it fascinates me. I have been looking unsuccessfully everywhere on the web for the quote that goes something like, ‘where I am now is the sum total of all my choices’. I thought it was Jim Rohr or someone. I agree, but I don’t agree. And then I consider the bible verse “God will restore what the weevils have eaten” and I think, ugh, enough with that. Danielle said it right, “What a strange, strange effect religion can have on your brain”.
Yes the shame is completely destructive, it’s something I’ve just started to address in my own life. It’s paralyzing.
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