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Just an idea…
Should marriage be like buying a car… have a one year ‘test drive’ before you sign the lifetime contract????
Wow. I had no idea such practices actually happened, that is just sickening. What the hell gives them the right to control people lives like that? I mean seriously, who do they think they are?! O_O I am so glad you have broken free from such an oppressive (and downright creepy) system!
Spot on! The church are deluded into thinking that only heterosexual marriages provide the true and greatest basis of a relationship, its absolute madness, since when is gathering a legal document in public between two people such a massive spiritual event? And haha yes, David being only one example of the “biblical” ideal of marriage, the main argument you hear thrown around in regards to the passing of same-sex marriage. I’ve also heard how such a thing will re-define the concept of marriage from its pure form. Seriously, do any of these people open up a history book once in a while? Or do they just like using buzzworks and cherry-picking the Bible to substantiate out-dated traditions? Marriage has been redefined MANY times in history, its only very recently in the grand scheme of things that its been connected to romance!
And @Adam
I can see your position! I believe being care-free and just sleeping with someone, or many people, without a consideration of the relationship itself can be very damaging to a person. I wouldn’t judge anyone for doing such a thing, hell some people just need a sexual release hear and there, some people like sleeping around, each to their own and all that! But if I were to give relationship advice to anyone, I would say that sex should only happen out of a genuine care between the two people, and mutual desire for it. I would never go as far as to say that marriage has to happen first because it just doesn’t anymore, and sometimes you can be a mere few months/weeks or even days into a relationship with a person when sex seems perfectly right! Just have to be open-minded about it.
AnonymousWell that’s the beauty of it – free will. We have the right to CHOOSE and that is the fundamental right that is never advertised in the church! I have much respect for Adam – your life choice is based on a solid thought process and experience, which is faultless. I was a virgin until I was 29 years old, based on what I thought was my own choice but in fact I hadn’t realised I HAD a choice. When it came down to my own thoughts and choices about everything that was going on at the time and I realised I was FREE to CHOOSE and that is what allowed me to make the move away from the church I was in. Up until that point I had been quite happy for other people to make my choices for me and so I then had to re-evaluate all areas of my life and decide where I would choose to do things differently. It was like leaving home for the first time all over again!
Anonymous@JustLove thanks and great to hear about you being free to make your own choices rather than see things from what you have adopted form church.
@Shift – yeah I hear ya abut what you say with sex a marriage doesn’t have to happen. Many people have lifteime relationships that are more healthy than some in marriages.
With the sex – well within a few days, weeks months etc. Maybe that would work for some folks and I guess for me for a while it did too. For me now wiht the benefit of hindsight and expereince like I say, I would choose a lifetiem commitment to someone before having sex for reasons stated. If I were to advise someone else it would be to consider that fomr sharing my own expereince of having had that union and then having the breakup afterwards, the hurt etc and difficulty I have found in being open to the risk of such hurt again that I don’t hink would have been there had I not had sex as one of many options for choices avaiable to them in what they do.
The alternative to me to the choice I have made would be as one of my frineds would say who took a different approach and became promiscuous and hainvg “fun” rather than me greiving the hurt and loss. But then if I were to do that then I would become numb and not be open with my heart as I used to be when I was more sexually active going fomr partner to partner. It just woudn’t be as menaingful. If I give of myself in the futre in this wayt with someone i would want it to be with my whole heart. And for me that means savnig myself. It’s not easy and I really miss sex and the fun of it believe me! But I guess for me is like wanting to dine at a fine restaurant, rather than grabbing a burger. It’s not just a physical attraction thing which is fun for me now rather than when I was younger but also a relational, spritual, eomtional whole hertedness. And for security in that and limiting the possiblity of hurt I would choose it to be in marriage where a commitment to each other and vows made to each other in public with winesses has been made.
On a recent road trip, a friend of mine, a single 35 year old female, asked me if it would be bad to let her boyfriend stay over at her place (on the couch) for a weekend while he was in town to save him from the expense of a hotel.
First, let me say I was one of those TLW kids. After watching friends marry young so they could have guilt free sex, watching quite a few of them divorce or go through a lot of counseling to stay married and doing a lot of research, soul search, on my own, my views have changed.
We spent the next two hours talking about this. I asked her why it was anyone’s business if he stayed over or not. She was so tied into what people thought of her it was painful. She asked me what I would do. I told her if I wanted to, he’d sleep in my bed with me. I really didn’t care what people thought.
“What if something…happened?”
I told her I believe that the Bible was written by men, church leaders who were trying to steer people toward certain behavior, especially women. I really don’t think that God expects single people today to remain celibate until they get married, much less remain celibate until they are 35. I don’t think instructions given in a time when teenagers got married applies to grownups in our day and time. I also told her that out of the four weddings we had been to that summer, I could assure her that only one couple was still waiting.
This was totally revolutionary to her. Have sex before marriage?! Is that even possible? Allowed?
I wasn’t trying to change her mind. Just trying to open it. I think I managed to let some light into that celibacy box. Hopefully she will start to explore that side of herself.
AnonymousI read this great book a long time ago, The Black Butterfly: An Invitation to Radical Aliveness by Richard Moss and I saved a few passages from his book on this topic. A great perspective, I think…
“Sex , at the moment of orgasm, gives us a glimpse of Oneness, a moment of loss of boundary and expansion of consciousness … The degree of pleasure should give us some hint of the degree of maturity demanded by sex.”
and
“That a moment of sex can have ramifications over years and years of one’s life suggests the incredible energy within the sexual space. The depth, intensity, and long-term impact of any moment is directly proportional to the degree in which time and space are forever altered during the moment.”
I wish the TWL wait people would broaden their definition of what we should all be waiting for until we have sex. Waiting is a good thing – but let’s change the thing we are waiting for …
Waiting may indeed be a “good thing”. NOT waiting sometimes may be even better.
I’m amazed that someone can analyze anything and come up with a philosophical statement about it while orgasming!
AnonymousDavid and Gary – both your comments made me laugh out loud – literally
Thanks for bringing us back down to earth!
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