"Try" …A song written after a conversation with my mother..

[moxierocksParticipant]

I had a talk with my mom awhile back, close to the same time I became a part of the forum. Spirituality and religion came up, and I ended up attempting to share a few things that had been on my mind, and of course the fact that I don’t believe in God came up…She didn’t really listen (I don’t think she can) to much that I said and she interrupted me and began affirming that she will never stop believing/praying/hoping in God, no matter what. But after that she said something else made me sad.. Her words stuck so persistently and frustratingly in my mind, like a popcorn kernel in my gums.

She said, (I quote, though not perfectly verbatim) “The fact that you don’t believe in God and His Son Jesus anymore means I failed. Everything I tried to teach you, and everything I prayed for on behalf of you and all of my children has turned out to be pointless. I am pointless anymore. I can’t really talk with you about these things. It’s too painful.”

For several weeks after, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I kept thinking how I wish she could know that she isn’t at fault. She made lots of mistakes like any parent, but the fact that I grew up and got a mind of my own and that I’m on my own journey isn’t one of them. She really thinks that I’m a mess now, and that she did something to make it so. Anyway, I took to writing my thoughts down, but somehow I started writing song lyrics. Here they are:

 “Try”

v.1

  I’ll try to let these doubts grow bigger,

  And hope they burst into a sea

 Of certainty.

 

I’ll try to follow these white rabbits

Into the wonder even if

You’re not with me.

v.2

Will you try to understand that I love you

Even though the path I’m on

Leads me away?

 

Please try not to let my journey steep you

In roaming thoughts of guilt

‘Cause it’s just not that way!

 

No, it’s not that way,

It’s not that way.

 

There is a difference

Between wondering

And wandering.

I won’t apologize for asking questions. x2

 

I’ve got to follow where

My heart leads me

‘Cause it’s not true that

My heart deceives me.

 

 v.3

I’ll try to keep my eyes wide open

Even when the things I see

Make me afraid.

 

I’ll try not let this world destroy me

As I tread through crowds of poor souls

Filled with hate.

 

Will you try to understand I love you

Even though the path I’m on

Leads me away?

 

by Jessi Blue (aka Moxie)

[starfielderParticipant]

You go Mox. Thanks for sharing this. It sure isn’t easy…

[GiordanaParticipant]

…tears, thks.

[Anonymous]

Beautiful song lyrics Mox! Can you share them with your Mom, or would that just add fuel to her fire? I hope your mom will be able to stop blaming herself, and see – really see – that she has a very special, smart, beautiful, talented daughter!

[moxierocksParticipant]

If anyone is interested in listening, here is a (kinda quiet) recording of the song. https://soundcloud.com/moxicarose/try-original-by-moxicarose

 

Thank you, Star, Giordana, and Jo…it’s  a song from my heart.

[Anonymous]

I just now listened to your song – WOW Mox!!

Thanks for the link so we could hear your song. Very Cool!

[Anonymous]

Moxie,

 

Your song is beautiful. We share this experience in common – this sadness with our mothers.

 

I’m in a specific stage right now regarding my own situation and honestly I don’t know how helpful it is to share my thoughts about this. I think it’s important to be careful to not try to insert my own filter/perspective onto yours. Just know that my heart feels for your heart. This is a very difficult part of the journey away from the old paths we were on.

[moxierocksParticipant]

Tana, I understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I want you to know that you could if you wanted to. It’s always good to hear other people’s perspectives.

Thank you for letting me know that your heart feels mine on this..(((HUGS)))

[Author]

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