Trying to find pieces of me

[Chris MParticipant]

Through some recent things that have happened in my life I’ve realized a few things.  Without really realizing it I’ve shut myself down the last few years.  Going from walking away from the church, the gradual decline of my faith, almost losing a child and a really stressful job situation over the last few years – I can realize now that I just turned off.  Shut down.  Gave up mentally, I was just done and didn’t care.
Now, I didn’t really know that was happening at the time – I didn’t go out with the intention of doing that but I can see now, that’s what I’ve done.   In doing that I haven’t been there for my wife like I should have, my family, haven’t sought out or even cared if I had friends.   Not good and I don’t know how I didn’t see it before now.
I can see a little more clearly now that I’ve never really faced, head on, what the loss of my faith meant for me.  How much of my identity was wrapped up in it.  Even after walking away from church and starting to change what I believed – and I really haven’t “believed” for a long time – part of me always thought that, eventually, I’d find my way back.   At some point I’d snap out of it and be able to go back.  I still identified myself with the person I once was.     I didn’t realize until I found the Naked Pastor site and then Lasting Supper that it was too late – I’d already taken the red pill.  There was no going back.
Now, it’s like I’m coming out of a fog and turning around, I look at my life as a wreckage, like a plane wreckage scattered over a field (I’m sorry if that is any sort of trigger for anyone – not intentional).  And it’s not even my “life” – I mean some of it has been hard and difficult but it’s not like I’m begging for rice, starving in Africa – life itself isn’t that bad comparatively.   It’s more like a wreckage of myself.  And it’s like I’m going through this smoldering mess trying to find pieces of me.  Like what David says – what is real will remain and everything else will fall away.   I’m trying to find those real pieces of me in that mess.  Not the stuff tied to the past or church or faith – all that stuff is falling away.   But I feel that where so much of me was glued to that – how do I do it?  Is there even anything there for me to find?  How do I find passion for life again when I really don’t know what that looks like outside the confines of Christianity and faith?  I’ve had glimpses, but is that enough to hold onto?  Where do you start?

Sorry if this makes no sense and I know these are questions only I can answer.  These are just thoughts I’m having and I thought I’d throw them out there.

• This topic was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  Chris M.

[cowboyjunkeyParticipant]

Sounds remarkably similar to a post your wife @SaraJ did a while back.   I feel a bit like you in that I’m coming out of a fog. I don’t really know how to build and where to start too.

[Anonymous]

Chris – Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for your honesty.

Many of us have been – and still are – where you are. Beginning the journey of deconstruction of  one’s former faith/beliefs is a terrifying, uncertain, and lonely place to be.  But the journey does get better as you go along and it is definitely worth taking! So hang in there!

You asked “where do I start?” You have already started. You have to examine the wreckage in order to find out what caused the crash in the first place. And that involves grieving your losses (your former identity and sense of community and belonging which is SO HARD to be without!) Still smoldering wreakage is all you can see right now, and that can be overwhelming. But as you learn to trust your own mind, your own heart, and your own spiritual instincts, you start to discover and and live YOUR truth. And you begin to develop a new identity. And as time goes on, your focus shifts, and you make new discoveries – like the tiny wildflower that has defiantly sprung up right next to the old burnt out fuselage, or a new patch of grass growing on top of the portion of the wing that was forcefully embedded in the dirt. And you feel HOPE, and you are aware that your spiritual journey is taking on a life of its own. Your spirituality is growing and evolving. And even though it is still hard, you wouldn’t dream of “going back to Egypt” and exchanging your new found freedom for the shackles of religion! No way – no how!!

I hope that helps in some small way. Just keep doing what you are doing and trusting your spiritual gut instincts as you go along. We’re rooting for you and we’re behind you all the way!

[Anonymous]

You too Scott! Your post snuck in there while I was writing mine.

[DaisyParticipant]

Thanks for your honesty. I of course have no answer because this is your journey. But how I see this journey for me is, that I am not finding pieces of me in the dirt. MOr the other way around, the dirt is getting more off from me and I am keeping the real me more and more in my hands. It is fragile and tender (like Sophia in the paintings), but that is what I am supposed to be, I think. Like a child. My identity is no longer fixed to a group or system. It is attached to me and my experience, and God stays central in all of it. Not the systems, the organizations or people liked to that. Meeting people where you can share each of your struggles with, without scaring them, is so great and encouraging I think. I am on the road, and I always will be. Wish you the very best Chris.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Hey @Chris… I totally recognize that feeling. It is normal. Actually, there were even times I wondered if I was receiving omens about my death because I couldn’t connect to any meaning or find anything real about myself. I sometimes thought, “Am I going to die soon?” It can be a terrifying place to be in. But this is part of the journey. If you press on you will come out the other side. And I mean YOU will come out the other side.

[Margaret-TrezevantParticipant]

Thanks for sharing. It IS scary to step into the void.  I remember the first time I really needed to pray because I was so desperate and I thought “but to what?”  I really needed someone to care and to DO something about it.  And there I was in the dark, just me.  To be honest, I sometimes still wish there was someone/something that cared, that answered.  What I am finding is that when I pay attention, my answers come.  It’s like floating, giving up resistance, and finding that the water holds you.

[JeffPrideauxParticipant]

I view it like each of us has these pieces that are ourselves.  With religion, your pieces are externally organized into a form that conforms to the expectations of the religion.  If you lose or let go of the religion, you don’t actually lose any of your pieces – you just lose that one particular way that your pieces were organized.   You may initially feel a loss because you were used to that previous way your pieces were organized.    Although, your pieces are still all connected together and can now self-organize into a more natural form for you.  It takes a while to get used to this new form but after a while you will be as comfortable with your new organization as you once were with your old organization (but now it will be a better fit).

[Chris MParticipant]

Thanks guys for all this input.  It really helps to know others have walked or are walking through the same thing.  I’m looking forward to coming out the other side and discovering the new me along the way.

[Anonymous]

This post, and the responses, resonate so deeply in me I find myself fighting back tears. Tears of relief – I am not alone. Tears of hope – there is life beyond the plane wreck. I’ve been standing there, looking at the pieces scattered over the field, for too long and not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Finding and joining this site yesterday is a first step. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find out what to do about the wreckage over time. Thanks for your honesty, Chris.

[cowboyjunkeyParticipant]

Welcome @enigma And thanks to everyone who responded. It’s good to hear this again.

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