What can I say?

[moxierocksParticipant]

I know we aren’t here to fix each other, but I am here asking for any insight or ideas on how to deal with a certain situation. I hope that’s okay.

I have 3 children, all girls. My oldest 2 are 10 and 11 and I am really feeling guilty/worried about what my massive change in beliefs is doing to them. In addition, I am struggling with some resistance  by my in-laws to what little they know of the changes. I’ve kept it mostly to myself because, well, I am terrified of what would happen if they found out that I’m essentially an atheist. They are still thinking that I am dabbling in “Universalist” theology, and their responses to that have been venemous enough.

Anyway, we went to spend some time with them, and we got dragged to a church service/picnic thing. Even though I found a (conveniently legitimate) way not to have to actually be at the service, afterwards we were eating and this little girl came up to our table and started talking about how she was going to be baptised later. My two girls were just sitting there listening, but then my middle daughter asked, “What’s being baptized again?” My mother in law seemed visibly miffed and glanced at me, and then started very almost sternly explaining that it means she has made a very important decision to let Jesus in her heart and she is making a public commitment. She proceeded to go on, almost insinuating that my children should already know what their decision is (and be baptized already like their cousins)…and I physically could not sit there. I saw my husband walk by and I hopped up to ask him a question while she was in mid sentence. I have had some really intense battles with her before, over spiritual things, and I am not feeling strong enough to deal with this. I don’t want my girls to feel batted back and forth. At our home, they are safe exploring and playing and allowed to question anything…at their home, they get lectures about god and it’s really, really getting under my skin. Mostly because my goal in life is to always be loving, and I find myself having no choice but to walk away when things like these come up because things usually escalate really fast.

• This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[Anonymous]

Hi Moxierocks  I’ll be upfront and tell you that I do not have children, but regardless, one thing I feel strongly about is raising your children with morals that transcend any religious title.  It’s obvious from comments such as “my goal in life is to always be loving..” that by living a lifestyle where you exhibit the very morals you desire for your children that you are hugely influencing their lives for the better.  You are instilling in them skills that will positively influence their relationships and choices in the future.  I am certainly not here to give advice, only to suggest that parents have a right to steer their children in the moral/spiritual/religious path of their choice but ultimately it will be up to the child to decide whether to adopt these beliefs or explore other paths.  Supporting their exploration, rather than chastising them makes all the difference.

Furthermore, I don’t know if this is of help, but as an adult educator, I freely admit mistakes I make and explain things I too struggle with as an educator.  I find this allows me to connect with my students in a way that they see I too am always learning and never profess to know everything.  I wonder if sharing with your girls that spirituality is a journey where your beliefs may change as you learn and grow and that this is normal and ok would help them process these changes within your family (immediate and extended) as a spiritual unit.  Also,  are you comfortable with the idea of setting some boundaries with your in-laws when it comes to the kids?  I truly feel you have that right as their parent.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say (and I hope this is encouraging) that one of my best friends in the whole world is atheist.  She is one of the best moms, and she and her husband are raising their kids to be loving, kind, moral people.  Religion isn’t required for love, and it sounds like in your home, your girls are learning that.  When they receive conflicting messages from other people, you can reassure them that you love them and that they are their own people who can make their own choices.  Good for you, learning to walk away rather than let it escalate.  For your girls, they will see that and it will mean much more to them than whether or not they heard a different message in their grandparents’ home.  You sound like a good mama!

Your comment about baptism really hit a nerve for me.  Our son wanted to be baptized when he was 7, but the church has a rule that they can’t til age 10.  We asked anyway, and the children’s ministry director agreed to talk with him.  Well, he was denied baptism because he couldn’t spit back the “right” answer about how one is saved.  That was the moment we saw a serious flaw:  Kids at that church are taught the “right” way to be saved and encouraged to “accept Jesus” as young as age 5.  But when they do, they aren’t taken seriously enough to be baptized because their faith isn’t “real” yet.  Hubby & I just kinda went, “What?”  We both feel that either you allow the child to “accept Jesus” AND be baptized, or you stop encouraging them to make any declaration of faith until they are past age 10.  As for us, we have no expectation that our children will or will not believe what we do.  They have to choose for themselves.

[moxierocksParticipant]

I am FINALLY getting back to you ladies! I’m sorry for the hiatus…but it had to be done.

Thank you both so much for your encouraging words! I hope that my insistence on teaching tolerance and love for everyone will be all that’s needed to help my kids stay well rounded. After they got back from spending almost a week and a half with my in laws, my middle daughter was acting very..staunch, shall we say. She even went on about how God is her favorite, and she doesn’t like this or that “worldly” thing…and I asked her, rather succinctly, “How do you really feel about all that?” And she replied..”Oh, silly me! I forgot I don’t really feel that way..I just know that’s what my Mimi and Papa want me to say. I want to make them happy!” *facepalm* I really LOVE my little girl’s heart to make others happy..but I HATE that she thinks she has to CONFORM to them. Is it appropriate that I’m a bit disturbed? I didn’t let on how I feel, but rather hugged her and told her what a sweetheart she is. I was far too upset inside, though..I still feel queasy thinking about it, actually..

Anyway, Amy..I clearly remember the debate about baptism in a church we attended when I was a kid. Our particular church decided, after much fighting and an ugly church split, that children couldn’t make such weighty decisions until they were at least TWELVE years of age. I was almost 12 myself at the time, and I didn’t understand why the number of your age mattered. I wasn’t about to ask to be baptized, though..I was far too terrified of going to hell, because in our church we were told that if we were baptized, but weren’t really, truly saved..then we couldn’t ever be saved. The same with taking communion…you had to be twelve AND already baptized..but if you weren’t really, actually, saved..well, it was hell and NO mercy. Done. Finito. You were damned, but you wouldn’t know that until you died and woke up in hell..

I got baptized when I was 28. And I know now that I wasn’t actually “saved”…

My children are expected to choose what they believe. I just hope they don’t get scared into believing something. ugh.

[AngParticipant]

moxierocks,  I don’t have children, so I’m not hear to give advice on children.  But I do see the love in your heart and for your children.

On another topic, I stated that I felt that (some) christians did so much harm.  I think they probably mean well (?) at the time but it leaves some long time scars on others/us that we have to recover from.  This, that you speak of, is what I mean.  And YES, I think it is very appropriate that you were disturbed.
I am sending YOU a big hug and I know your children are very lucky to have you for a Mom.

[katiepearlParticipant]

Your kids sound great; and they will think their own thoughts and do their own thing in their own time.  You might have to be brave and stand up for their rights to do that – there’s no value in pushing a child into a decision that isn’t really theirs.  Good luck!  (You have a right to be you, as well.)

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

you’re a good mom moxie!

[Author]

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