This topic contains 28 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by 
Jeni Ananda 1 year, 6 months ago.
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What a great thread!!! This is really refreshing.
@Kathy – you are so loved! It probably Was Jesus (if you feel that way) that helped you leave church. I haven’t been part of church in 3 years. Every Sunday I restrained myself from standing up and screaming b.s. about the sermon- or whatever.
Everyone has their own relationship with God. I love the Hindu analogy- that four men are blindfolded and feeling an elephant. One man has a hold of the elephant’s tusks- and he says: “Oh, this animal is definitely hard and smooth.”Another man has the leg: “Oh this animal is rough and has very loose skin.”
The third has the tail: “This animal is hairy and soft.” Well, you get the idea- They are all right. God is love- and He (I only say that cuz I’m too lazy to say He/She) I believe He is beyond gender- He is masculine & feminine but doesn’t need sex organs… or maybe He/She does- Bwahaha! the Big Hermaphradite in the sky. lol I think God manifests to us as our heart needs. For awhile, He was protector and Guardian to me- mostly when I first met Him- I had many supernatural experiences (some that scared me horribly) and I needed to know my Father in Heaven was the Biggest Baddest (person) out there & I was safe with Him.
@Kathy- After posting this- I started asking why I see Him so romantically. He asked where my biggest pain comes from. My husband & I have been together for 10 yrs. Married for 9. I adore him, I chase him- I want as much of himself as he is willing to give. But he is very aloof. He…um… Most of the time lives as though me & the kids do not exist. Anyway- it’s getting slowly better over the years, but it’s still very painful. So, I think that’s why God/Jesus is so romantic and adoring to me- I’m sure it has to do with my childhood as well- I raised myself from when I was- well- 4 or 5. I think God shows up to us as like a 3-legged race. He doesn’t try to be superior or condescending- it doesn’t matter that He’s smarter, faster, better than we are– He comes to where we are and ties Himself to us. He strengthens us where we need it and heals what we are ready to be vulnerable in.
There was a time when I just only felt humiliation at His great love. Picture your hero- a President of the…well, name the country- or Ghandi- or Mother Theresa- or Winston Churchill- someone you deem very important & wonderful coming to your house and cleaning behind your toilet (which is blantanly neglected) while using their wedding dress, or something extremely personal & valuable. He would clean behind my toilet (the darkest parts of my heart) with His prized possession. It was awful. He still asks questions that make me angry when I hear them- bc He’s pointing to the hypocrisy or the cowardly lie I’m trying to use to excuse my behavior. It’s not all roses- but it doesn’t compare to the love.
I used to know it was the voice of God- because He would only suggest things I absolutely DIDN’T want to do.
AnonymousJeni Ananda – I agree with your statement about God/Jesus manifesting to us according to what our heart needs. That is how it has been for me anyway.
For many years as I was working through the pain of childhood sexual/emotional/spiritual abuse I would “see” myself climbing up in Jesus’ lap and mentally I was able to let him hold me, comfort me, nurture me, and even show me affection (the safe kind that had NO ulterior motives). I desperately needed those things since neither of my earthly parents were capable of giving them to me, and who in fact, gave me false versions laced with abusive toxicity. For me, Jesus was the safe, loving, accepting parent I had always longed for. He was my safe place to fall, a safe person to cry in front of, and a person with whom to celebrate new insights and healing!
Now that I have moved on from that phase of my life, left the church, etc., I don’t have a clear picture of who Jesus is, but I still believe He is real and that He is always there for me if I need him to be. I definitely value and try to emulate His teachings. I LOVE the way he put those blasted Pharisees in their place, then ignored them and chose to spend his time with common people – especially those looked down upon by society.
I love that story in the Gospels when he healed the young man who was blind. And then the Pharisees got all indignant and demanded to know WHO healed the man. The parents didn’t want to say who it was because they knew they would be ex-communicated from the synagogue, and the young man basically said he didn’t know who had healed him — all he knew was that once he was blind but now he could see! Jesus slipped away from the crowd so as not to cause more trouble for the man, his parents, or himself, but he later searches for the young man and finds him in the temple. Scripture says that Jesus said something to the effect of, go and sin no more lest a worse thing come upon you. I think what Jesus basically meant by that was: Don’t bother sticking around here! Don’t waste your time hanging around church or hanging on every word the religious leaders say, because honestly, all this “religious stuff” will do nothing but mess you up! (But don’t tell anyone I said so!)
@JeniAnanda you wrote regarding your husband: “But he is very aloof. He…um… Most of the time lives as though me & the kids do not exist. Anyway- it’s getting slowly better over the years, but it’s still very painful.” I resonate with that. I feel I am low priority most of the time with my wife. She can spend hours on her computer or playing video games and neglect all the other stuff around her. I’m not sure how this relates to what Jesus means to me but there has to be something …
AnonymousJeniAnanda & Cowboyjunkie – Just wanted to say I’m sorry for what you are each going through with your spouses. I was in a marriage that had no emotional intimacy so I know how painful that can be. Since our divorce, I have been happily single for the last 16 years, and I can tell you from experience that there is a huge difference between being alone and “being alone in a marriage.” The latter is far more painful!
I’m not saying you should get divorced, but I am saying you owe it to yourselves to speak up and let your spouses know how hurtful their behavior is and that things need to change. If they agree to work on the issue just to get you off their back but they have no intention of changing things (that’s what my ex always did and I let him get away with it), then perhaps you’ll need to issue some kind of ultimatum like insisting on counseling. Only you know what will work best for your marriage. All I’m trying to say is please don’t suffer in silence and just settle for the way things are. That is exactly what I did for 18 years and I can tell you it was NOT worth it! I can never get those wasted years back!
I hope there will be real change that leads to a much more satisfying marriage for both of you and your spouses.
Anonymous@Jo White you are pretty awesome, just sayin’. So proud to know you here. I have to agree of course. Don’t suffer in silence and let these feelings of rejection and anger build up to resentment. If they have already done that then it’s definitely time to have a sit down and talk about it. In my marriage we have had times just like this – phases if you will. I used to see them as a lull in the relationship, but now I can look back and see the whole thing like a series of mountain peaks – and there were SO MANY valleys. Hang in there and thanks so much @CowboyJunky and @JeniAnanda for telling it like it is. By the way, we are in a valley right now (me and Tams) but I am okay with it because she is a nursing student and it requires so much of her. Occasionally I throw a fit, but for the most part I let her have every moment she can to herself.
ya @cowboyjunkey and @JeniAnanda… wow… I also appreciate your honesty and want to express my hope for you that things will get better in your relationships. Again, thanks for being so vulnerable here.
@John I see it that way too of series of mountain tops but many valleys in between. I think the valleys aren’t quite as low but it seems this valley is long & tough. We have had many discussions about this and how I feel and there is change but then slowly things fade back. I’ve been watching “Being Erica” on Netflix for a while now. The premise is Erica gets to go back in time and relive parts of life and do thing differently now that she knows how things turn out. On one recently she went back and she didn’t get what she wanted. The lesson was: even though you can make changes the other person is still their own person so they have to change too. So I’ve kinda got wait this out, and of course search myself to see what things I could be doing better or ways I’m neglecting her.
Anonymous@CowboyJunkey I like this “So I’ve kinda got wait this out, and of course search myself to see what things I could be doing better or ways I’m neglecting her.”
One of the things I found along the way, and I don’t mind sharing with you guys bout this, was that part of my problem was my expectations. In counseling I learned that I had a sort of addiction to “attention” from her (from women in general). When she stopped paying attention to me I freaked out. At some point I got tired of waiting and sought attention elsewhere. It was a mess. A total mess. I wish I had the foresight you seem to have here and could have just waited. I can guarantee you one thing. Things will change – they always do.
@John I can’t say as I have lots of foresight but I’m getting there. Thanks for your comments and honesty.
JeniAnanda and Cowboyjunkie – I am hearing what you are saying and can relate to both of you.
“But he is very aloof. He…um… Most of the time lives as though me & the kids do not exist”. I can relate to that especially. That would be close to describing my ‘natural self’. When my wife and I wanted to get married, her mother said something like, “I don’t really approve because you don’t love my daughter, but if that’s what she wants to do I’m not going to stand in her way”. That was more than 55 years ago – and we needed each other. It was about 5 years ago that I discovered that I have lived with Aspergers Syndrome all my life (and it runs in the family). That was an exciting discovery because it began to make sense of why I am the way I am. I have seen it suggested that the majority of people with AS shouldn’t get married. That’s a little extreme but it does make sense.
We have two children; seven grandchildren and 2.9 great grandchildren and I find it difficult to relate emotionally to any of them – even the two grandchildren who have been diagnosed with AS (but part of the problem is that ‘religion’ has got in the way and both of my children are understandably atheists). This doesn’t help my wife who still needs the ‘security’ of a traditional belief and who finds it very hard to accept that I can no longer attend church with her (after continuing to do so for about five years). I just see things so differently – and realise now that I’ve always been ‘out on a limb’.
I can also understand the comment, “I feel I am low priority most of the time with my wife”. We have always been close in a strange sort of way – we have always complemented each other. When I left the Anglican Church in the early 1970’s and later became a member of a Sabbath keeping church, it was some years later that Barbara joined me – and we used to joke that it was a case of, “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em”. She is now going her way and recently said that she would prefer it if I didn’t discuss my beliefs with her.
This rant was prompted by some of the recent topics on sex and how this all fits together. It’s cleared the air a bit for me – but made me realise how difficult it is to share my real feelings.
@jo-white @cowboyjunkey @old-pete @john @david
hope i didnt miss anyone..this is hard on mobile.
im sad that i didnt make it back to this thread until now. im still learning this site. you are all so supportive, thank you all for your encouragement!
i address my needs to my hubby- & sometimes he responds positively, some days not. In my 1st marriage there was consistancy, bit no passion. now it seems the opposite. the good times are so potent, they help me forget the bad. i have realized that my expectations are based on what I think he SHOULD be doing. I dont like to should on ppl. i try to see myself in his eyes & what he expects/needs & just focus on that. keeps me honest.
and when we got married- I was psychotic & he was a total asshole, so we’ve both gotten better together. lol
@JeniAnanda thanks for your openness about your marriage. That was what helped all of us put something out there. Its great to hear other people in similar situations. Like you I think things are progressing but sometimes it just seems so slow! I like what you say “I don’t like to should on ppl”
Anonymous@jeniananda ” I was psychotic & he was a total asshole, so we’ve both gotten better together. lol”
lol – that describes us to a tee in the beginning… You have definitely captured the essence of young love…
Thanks you guys! It feels great, being vulnerable- kind of cheating since I’m somewhat ‘hiding’ behind a computer screen- but it’s neat to see that other people are dealing with healing up similar wounds. I am amazed at my love for my husband & his love for me. I actually value our marriage more, since it isn’t a marriage of convenience, or even comfort, sometimes. We love each other, even when there is great pain in the rejection of the other. If he did everything perfectly, it would be easy to go through the motions, but because love hurts so much sometimes, choosing to be with that person is MORE important than any pain we feel. Choosing to love them with all their ugliness- all their warts and battle scars and licking their wounds… The more we have intimacy with someone, the more freedom they have to show us parts of their heart that even they aren’t proud of. Parts of themselves that they wish weren’t there. Broken, black spots in their heart that they barely want to admit to themselves. But we are in an intimate relationship and we are able to be exactly who we are and still be completely loved. Isn’t that what everyone wants? To be fully known and fully loved?
My hero (Danny Silk) says that God makes a safe place for us to fail.
That we know we are so completely accepted that we can crawl up in His lap, even when we have screwed up beyond what we think can be repaired.
To continue to choose someone and being able to forgive the horrible hurts is one of the most precious pictures of true love I can think of.
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