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Some time ago, context I can’t remember, @David told me that “if you want to do this, you need a thick skin” – “this” being rejecting church, and it was said in a supporting and positive way, not a negative or dismissive way. But it made me think whether this is true.
More recently on twitter, @Amy made some comments that brought me back to this idea. The question is, do we – who are trying to be outside the church but explore Christian faith – need to have a thicker skin? This is not particularly aimed at Amy or David, just a thought that made me consider.
The truth is, I think, that if we are trying to be independent, reject the status quo, tell church leaders that they are doing it wrong, try to stand for truth not political shenanigans, then we will attract opprobrium, hatred and anger from people who are threatened.
So do we need thick skins, if we are going to stand up and be counted, as individual, maverick, independent Christian thinking?
I would suggest that anyone who is being drawn outside the box is going to need a thick skin. It’s never going to be a comfortable position. It is going to be a rejection of the status quo. But I do not see any reason to think that those outside the box are trying to be independent – we all need support and encouragement from groups like TLS. But problems do arise when people try to tell church leaders that they are doing it wrong. What is truth? There are many stages of faith (including rejection of faith). We are all at different stages – and older people in particularare not going to take kindly to being told they are wrong. Of course there is a place for independent thinking, but not everyone is ready for that – and that in itself can be frustrating.
@PeterStanley – I think anyone who is pursuing Christianity in any form outside the church is trying to be independent – even if they join TLS or other such places. They are seeking to explore faith themselves, which is independent. It doesn’t mean completely going it alone, it means making their own structures around them.
And by leaving a church, that implies that the church leaders are doing it wrong. IME, many will take it like that. To an extent, you are saying that their church is not inclusive enough to accept you. There is an implied criticism there, even if it is one that you are not intending them to take.
I believe that you certainly need to be thick skinned to go it alone. Going along with the religion/institution is the easy path as far as I am concerned, go to church every Sunday and just soak in and accept whatever the preacher from the pulpit is saying. Just simply believe that the entire Bible is inerrant and thus be able to ignore the amount of criticisms that are thrown in its direction. To go it alone means to establish your own faith, your own beliefs and world views, and that can definitely lead to vulnerability, uncertainty and moments of hardship and confusion. I know because I am still going through these motions, but I am convinced this is the right path, and I can never, ever go back to the church for it has failed me, and I believe it has ultimately failed Jesus. You need guts to be truly independent.
First of all I’m liking this word, “opprobrium.” It’s cracking me up. Such a good word! Second, I would agree with @Amy and @David that you must have a “thick skin.” I would also say that you need “guts” as @Rick said. But, these words have different meanings for each of us on this journey. I have found that I have needed to be brave and courageous. I have chosen a path that at first felt like terrible fear. But, when I sat with the fear and let it be what it was I was able to become comfortable and see beyond it. I might describe this as letting my eyes adjust to the dark. Once adjusted there is a lot I can see. I swallowed a bitter pill when I left the Vineyard. I have had choices all along the way, fear, bitterness, anger, love, freedom, courage, hatred, unforgivingness, joy, wonder, compassion, empathy and the list goes on. I can let the people that have stayed in that church system stay there. It is what they know. I don’t have to be part of it. If they aren’t asking the questions, usually, they can’t find the answers because they aren’t even wondering.
I’m finding that I can live my life in the manner that I believe and I’m comfortable with. I can find others whose stories I resonate with. I certainly believe that the “church” is not what Jesus was thinking when he was here on earth. When my whole life was surrounded and impregnated with church activities, church relationships, church employment, church socials, church community, doctrine, theology, bible study, I had very little freedom to experience mystery. It was like a drug habit. It kept me from exploring the difficult questions because there was no need. Church was my fix. So, to leave all of that, “my whole life was surrounded and ingrained with church activities, church relationships, church employment, church socials, church community” took “thick skin.”
Hm. Great question. You’ve got me thinking. I’m wondering if maybe what you need first is a desire to be independent. Then you need courage to live it. And you develop a thick skin as you receive the reactions of others.
@David – I don’t know what comes first – the independence or the thick-skin. I think you need a thick skin to explore the desire to be independent, because otherwise someone will cut you down before it can develop.
I suppose that is a part of the reason for asking, because if you need the thick skin to develop independence, then comparatively few will manage it, because many in churches – especially those abused or hurt by churches, do not have the thick enough skin to break out.
If it is the other way round, there is a danger that those like us, outside the church, will be rhino-hide, and struggle to be sensitive to others who may need this to encourage them out.
So how can we be independent, free, and sensitive?
I definitely struggle with being sensitive to those still inside the structures I’m trying to leave behind. I mostly find this happens when I’m being challenged, though, not when someone is telling me about the hurt they’ve experienced. And I’m not sensitive at all to those doing the abusive things that keep people in fear of leaving.
I think a lot of my toughness comes from years of being on the outside in other ways–I was bullied for years as a child and had trouble getting adults in my life to recognize it as such. I was mostly told that I just wasn’t “thick-skinned” enough. At this point in my life, I honestly don’t care what the cool kids think of me. What I find hard is how many people still want to sit at the popular table, no matter how much abuse they have to take to sit there. It makes me feel impatient rather than sympathetic. After my one friend was stalked by her ex and the church blamed her, I hoped she would get out. She didn’t; she is still there now, and her goal is to just be invisible there so that she can still fit in. Another friend applied for membership there and was denied because he lives with his girlfriend. Yet he stays, and now that they’re engaged, they will likely do whatever they are asked to do in order to get married there (one of them moving out temporarily, as that’s what’s been done with other couples). I’m finding it hard to balance compassion for them on the ways they’re being controlled and manipulated, but at the same time, I don’t really understand why they stay. This particular church doesn’t hunt down and harm former members, and they don’t deliver threats. There shouldn’t be a fear of leaving like in some churches.
For me the point of resistance is where the pain is. I used to armor myself or be thick skinned and that works to a certain point. I find that being flexible and not giving things people say about me power is a more peaceful place to be.
I used to work at a Christian camp and I worked with the horses. I dressed like a cowboy and sometimes I had to take my kids to the aquatic rotation. At this one particular time a group of about 20 staff members thought it would be funny to throw me in the water off the end of the dock. I really didn’t want to go in the water with my boots and all.
So they are pulling me along the dock and I’m resisting with everything I had, but I could see the inevitable coming. So instead of resisting I started to push with them and increase the speed we were going down the dock. At the end of the dock I put the brakes on and the momentum took everyone else into the water and I found myself the lone person standing on the end of the dock.
You can illustrate this with a tug of war. If I’m getting pulled into the mud pit in the center all I have to do is let go of the rope. Letting go of what people think of me or about my ideas is a way of letting go of the rope.
The more I know myself the less I have to care about what other people think or feel about me. Resist smart, not hard.
If you don’t have a pony in the race, you don’t care about the outcome.
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