This topic contains 17 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by 
Gerrard 1 year, 1 month ago.
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Hi,
I previously started some topics, and made some replies. These were on the facebook group, of which I have yet to fully explain my situation.
I was raised Christian and to carry out Christian morals. I am no longer Christian and no longer have quote/unquote True Christian Morals.
I still have a moral system so to speak however the conflict has arisen and surfaced because of the disconnect between my Mother and I; we have conflicting ideas of how to run our lives.
However with that said I have had a few red flags occur in relation to my own personal life organization and I wonder if I lack discipline and am losing focus on responsibilities and taking care of myself.
A little disclaimer: this is extremely personal, however I feel compelled to share and give a better idea of the situation in a list of things that have occurred.
I’ve had what I would describe as an awakening experience from depression. I am happy now.
I’ve started school and moved out of my parents house to attend school; living with my aunt.
My mother has become more enlightened to my state of mind
My aunt has been lecturing me sternly about how to run my life and how everything I’ve done has extremely upset my mother.
I am to remove all quote/unquote satanic music from my parent’s home.
My mother has taken upon herself to enact quote/unquote spiritual warfare on my behalf for fear I have been deceived.
My mother sternly warned me about curiosity about Eastern religions
My mother as well warned me sternly about playing D&D
She has no clue about my heavily invested interest in Western Esoteric Traditions from what I understandI think that gives a very basic picture of the situation.
My hopes are to rectify and repair my relationship with my mother. She is very rigid in her beliefs (if you haven’t been able to tell) and will not move out of her belief system. I can live my life, but what I do and will continue to do is hurting her. It’s a sensitive situation.
Thanks for your reading of this and your understanding.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi Gerrard Pedersen! Thank you for sharing your personal story. I applaud you. You have taken a risk and this takes courage!
Since you asked for advice my one good word would be this, do everything you can to learn about what good boundaries look like. There are lots of books on this topic as well as the topic of codependency. Family relationships are sticky and messy.
The book Boundaries comes to mind.
Also, the book Codependent No More is a classic.
There are a lot of folks in TLS that have great suggestions for other books and some very sound advice. There are also many folks who have walked a similar road as the one you are walking. I hope they join this conversation!
AnonymousGerrard,
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I know how hard that can be, but also how liberating. Trust me, I am right there in your shoes. I was raised Christian, and one time years ago, while still living at home with my parents, I decided to experiment with Islam. My mother and I got into a HUGE argument one morning about my salvation because I didn’t believe in Jesus as divine. Nothing I said seemed to matter. As long as I lived at home, I always had to walk on eggshells anytime I experimented with some non-Christian religion. I’m now living on my own – though, a little too close to home for my own comfort, at times – and sometimes, yes, my mother looms in my head like some god-like figure watching over me even though I know that I am technically free as an adult to make my own decisions and live my own life. My therapist says I’m still emancipating myself from my mother. This is a process which takes time, apparently. Drawing boundaries is the hardest part! I’ve not read the book which @starfielder recommends, but I know that I’m going to purchase it just as soon as I finish typing this. Sometimes it’s easy to see the boundaries, but keeping those in place can be hard. Sometimes we set up the boundaries only to cross them ourselves! I can only advise that you be patient with yourself and with your family. It’s wonderful to hear that you’ve emerged from your depression. That gives me hope as I’m currently on meds for depression/anxiety.
In my experience boundaries are walls with doors and windows. You can open and close them… you can enlarge the boundaried place and you can make it smaller. It’s a wall that can move.
Another book I have found helpful is How to be An Adult. It’s mostly Jungian psychology so don’t let the “spiritual integration” keep you from checking it out.
@Gerrard Pedersen The book Starfielder referenced (Boundaries) is my all time favorite book. My problem is not putting it into practice. That’s how the church steam rolled right over me. But I highly recommend the book AND doing what it says. It would be a life changing way to live. Now, I need to go read the book again!
Good luck and let us know how it goes. Life is hard. Have it with a bowl of ice cream!
I keep those books around because I need reminders. And I’m with Ang, “Good luck and let us know how it goes. Life is hard. Have it with a bowl of ice cream”
Thanks guys for all the support!
I may check out those books – I have to order some stuff soon.
Things are slowly cooling down.
I have things to do about my own behaviour and that being an adult may help me out.
Rigidity is a sure sign of dysfunction…don’t read this, don’t listen to that, etc., etc., etc. My son likes “scream-o”…I don’t – it kinda makes my ears turn inside out, like someone scratching the chalkboard. Anyhow, I will ask him to turn it down, or use headphones out of respect for my space and at the same time allow him his personal music preference (its not even all the time, just sometimes and I like a lot of the stuff he does – i kinda think it’s a phase that will pass). Anyways, I understand your pain. I have the same thing with my mom. But, I’m 41 for god’s-sake! She has to let me be my own person. What helps me is to realize that her “concern” is born out of fear and love…fear of hell and love of me. So, I can appreciate it on that level. But I’ve found it near impossible to talk religion (or politics) with her because she gets so emotional and fearful – it never goes well. Our solution is not to talk religion (or politics), ever, at all, never. I have the same set up with my former social circle – they’re fundamentalists and I’m certainly not anymore. It is sad because I see it as an unnecessary limit to intimacy over stuff that is conjecture at best. I think the How to Win Friends and Influence People book talks about not getting lured into arguments as a great strategy. I think that’s good advice, even if you win the argument, you often lose.
Best of luck to you as you navigate these tough waters – Rob
Yeah, that’s a tough situation, bro. As you know, I’ve been wary of letting certain family members of mine know of my heresies because I don’t want the drama. Yet eventually I’m sure they will come out, and there will be anger and sadness but I think in time they will tolerate it, even if they don’t like it. I think (or at least hope) the same will come of your situation. If you stand firm in your belief and yet refuse to argue about it and continue to love and converse in all other areas, I would imagine it would become an opening for tolerance and even acceptance perhaps. Again, one can hope.
@Rob Lentz, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great suggestion. I forgot that I read that as well. The things we say and don’t say…
That’s tough…even though my parents are pretty open-minded I know they would not care for some of my more spiritual interests.
I think it’s also important to remember to let your mother know she did a good job (if that is the case) of raising you. A lot of time parents think when their child “strays” it reflects badly on them. But these are your beliefs and interests now and nothing she does will stop that. Tell her you are a grown up and can make your own decisions.
One of the best books Lisa and I ever read together was “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Thanks for sharing Gerrard.
Also, How to Win Friends and Influence People has been updated for social media “How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age”. There are some pretty good insights for those who’ve found FB and other digital media to be very difficult waters to navigate.
Thanks for the update Rob! I read the book long ago…. I’ll take another look.
Healthy boundary building with a Mom is a lifetime struggle for most. From her side of the heart, she is advocating for your soul and that will likely not change.
I still measure every word in conversation with my now 75 yo Mother. She has recently dis-owned me –so I feel your pain. I tell myself daily that I did nothing wrong and that I am a blessed Child of God no matter her judgement. There’s no quick fix. It’s a lifetime journey with good and bad bumps along the way. I send some motherly love your way.
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