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David Hayward 1 year, 4 months ago.
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A friend of mine is working her way out of an horrifically abusive marriage. The more I hear about what she’s been through, the more aghast I am at what can go on in a relationship that is supposedly based in love.
Both of these people were raised in “Christian” homes. I knew the husband when I attended “Christian” college. His parents were key players in the “ministry” which founded the college. I’ve been asking myself over and over, how is it that two young people taught as I was about “Christian marriage” being reflective of Christ’s love us not recognize at the outset that something was horribly flawed in their relationship?
To begin with, there is the factor that we women have been indoctrinated for centuries in the belief that men know best, we are subservient to them, we are too emotional, blah, blah, blah. There is still that poison in the collective unconscious. I’m amazed at how often that garbage shows up, perhaps in diluted form, but still present.
But what rankles me right now is seeing how the Church created an ideal environment for this soul-killing infection to grow.
First of all, there’s the concept of God as the taskmaster who must be appeased. One must “live life right” (or at least say the right words at the right time, and then make sure one’s public behaviour gives the illusion of the right words having been “real”) so one doesn’t face eternal punishment in hell. Because God is deemed not to speak to humankind directly, but rather through the medium of Scripture as interpreted by those who set themselves up as interpreters of such, one is never fully clear about His will, His intentions, His expectations. One is told “we know exactly what God says in His Word”, but that “knowing” means “God meant what I say He meant.” Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that God is He.
So, a young man grows up in an admittedly dysfunctional home. Whether he was born with it, or it was bred into him, as an adult, he is a raving narcissist … who has been fed Patriarchal God Concepts since birth.
One of these concepts is “love your wife as Christ loved the Church”. Those of us who are sane see the call to self-sacrifice.
But what we don’t see, even though these beliefs are woven into the very fabric of our perception of God, is the “top down management” style. God says. People obey. God decrees. People worship. Those who don’t obey, who don’t worship can expect punishment for eternity, unless they repent, ie admit they were wrong and take up the mantle of Doing Everything The Way God Says.
In his own warped way, the young man “loved” his wife according to what he was shown of God’s “love” for the church. The young woman loved the young man, truly to begin with, and thus was motivated to please him, just as we the church want to please God. But, just as the Church has shown us, the young woman quickly figured out that the love of her bridegroom wasn’t fiat accompli. There were actually hidden conditions. She began doing the best she knew how to meet his expectations and thus, earn his love.
But he had never experienced the joy and freedom of love received, rather than earned. (And here I point out that if it can be earned, it is not love.) Just as his spirituality taught him, he kept moving the goalposts of expectation. He wanted to be God in their home, just as “Scripture” taught him it should be.
Yes, counsel was sought from those deemed to be “wise” and “leaders”. Said “wise leaders” counselled the wife to give her husband more sex and “be more submissive”. Some suggestions were made to the husband, to which he paid lip service, and the “wise leadership” deemed the problem solved. No one ever confronted the husband about his arrogance or narcissism. Because he never physically hit her, no one, I repeat no one, recognized the abuse for what it was.
And so, there are now two shattered human beings, he still stuck in his delusions of how life would be if everyone would just cooperate in making his whims and wishes central to all, she searching the rubble of her dreams for the least fragments she can find of her real self. Still, after over 20 years of abuse and now a year of freedom, she asks herself what she could have done to have made things different.
Because, we all know, Love is all about finding the hidden formula for pleasing the One whose love one wishes to experience. It all lies in Doing Everything Right.
Bullshit.Powerful piece of writing Janelle. This could literally sum up my parents 60 year marriage before my father passed away a few days after Christmas last year. Although watching the years of emotional abuse I saw my mother endure helped me to avoid being an abuser myself, my wife and I both bought into the whole husband headship nonsense the Apostle Paul (Or some church leader fraudulently writing as Paul) thrust upon us. I now believe this represents one of the great perversions in scripture of Jesus teaching. Now that we both have accepted that we are truly equals working together, our good relationship has become even better. We both attempt to reserve any expectation of submission for our own actions and desires for the benefit of the other.
Thanks for the thoughtful piece.
Great insight into the truth about things most people aren’t capable of seeing. If you every come our way again[to Vanderhoof} let me know . Would love to have you speak at our service.
Gary, my heart hurts that you, as a child, had to endure the fallout of that kind of toxicity. Kudos to you and your wife for “making up” a new way of doing things.
Al, with an invite like that, I may just find my way back to Vanderhoof!
Thanks to you both for the affirmation. It means a lot.
I’ve been thinking about this reality of abuse being enabled by the teachings of Christianity. I grew up in that atmosphere, then lived with a measure of it in my marriage, and am wading through it. I’ve had “the wife’s body is not her own” used on me sexually. And I bought the “husband is the head of the home” thing to the extent that I repeatedly did things I did not want to do because he said I needed to. And he was not afraid to point out how “wrong” I was about everything from parenting to housekeeping to diet.
He is not by nature a narcissist, or abusive. He was led that direction by what he was taught as a young man about what it meant to be a Christian husband and father (mixed with youthful ego, I’m sure). And he has changed in recent years. Not as much as me, but he has changed, and has not tried any of those tactics on me in the last couple of years.
But I am having a hard time getting past the unhealthy foundation of our marriage. How can something that started out so messed up become something good? How do you start over after 25 years, lots of damage, and emotional deadening?
I’ve been struggling with this for going on four years now, and it seems I should be getting past it. But I’m not. I am resigned to what is, yet grieve because there are not the feelings of warmth and connection that I wish for my primary relationship.
Sandy, I have no answers, only lots and lots of compassion. I hope it helps to know someone cares.
Yes. Well written. Perfect description.
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