This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by 
-
Posts
-
AnonymousHi everyone,
First of all, I am enjoying reading a lot of these posts and can really identify with a lot of what you are saying. Most of the posts were pretty old so I didn’t bother to comment. But you have given me some good ideas about what to say to people regarding leaving the church.
So the reason I am writing is because I am feeling conflicted in my heart about weather to initiate a friendship with a family that we have known for awhile. Or I guess i should say renew the friendship. A little background: we were gone in CA for four years where my husband was a pastor. Before that we lived in the house that we are in now, in Phoenix. When we left the church in CA, we came right back to our same house that we own. Before we moved to CA and were attending a Bible church, we were friends with the youth pastors and his family. I was never real close with the wife but we got along well enough and it helped that our kids are the same age. Well, they ended up moving back to their home state while we were in CA. Then we moved back here one year ago, and lo and behold– I saw on Facebook at the end of June that they were moving back here- apparantly they love it in Phoenix (gag– I hate it here but that’s another story). So why am I so nervous about it? Because they live two streets away from us and I feel guilty that I still have not called them. They know all about why we left the church and the husband even read my husband’s book that he wrote which includes why we left the church. And he “says” that he loves us anyway, no matter what we believe. She is never on FB and I am not a phone person, so I had sent her husband a few FB messages welcoming them here and he said they want to invite us over for dinner sometime and he gave me her phone number. Well, it’s been a few weeks and I still haven’t called. Then again- neither has she. I just feel like it would be so fake. They are still very much into church and it sounds like he is trying to get another ministry position. (I’m not sure why he didn’t already have a job lined up before he left- seems dumb to me). Anyway– should I just wait until she calls? I feel like a horrible neighbor but we just aren’t close with them anymore and my kids don’t even remember their kids because we moved when they were fairly young.
I can understand the awkwardness and uncertainty for sure. My only “advice” might be, should you decide to make first contact in person, maybe plan a picnic or other low investment outing in neutral territory. I have learned that it’s much less horrible to discover you just can’t hang out with certain people in a park or restaurant, than in your living room (or even theirs).
~ moxie
Good words Moxierocks. Thanks for sharing your dilemma Kellie. This may not relate to you, but I would like to share what you story did for me. After I left the church, I started to notice that I wasn’t responsible for other people anymore. When I was in the church, I had to be an excellent neighbor to every living soul. But now I realize that all I have to be is normal and do what I want to do. I am not a mean person, and when opportunities present themselves I’ll do something like reach out to another person. But I no longer feel obliged to. The religion I came out of pressured me into doing things I felt I had to do. Not things I wanted. So your story just reminded me of that. Do what you want. There’s no law out there saying you should do this or that. If you want to initiate contact, do so. If not, wait for them to. That’s what I would do in your situation.
AnonymousThank you both! Moxie, I like your idea about a mutual place. When they first moved here, I did message the husband and told them they were welcome to stop by an say Hi any time and they never did. I figured it would be kind of a way to break the ice. Instead he said she wanted to invite us to dinner. Actually what happened was when he said that, I told him that it would be easier for us to have them over because I have to be gluten and dairy free. So that’s why he said I should give her a call. It’s just strange to me that they are posting pics of them with other old friends but we have not seen them yet and they live so close.
I am used to being the hospitable one. I used to love having people over for dinner but not anymore because I am afraid of where the conversation will turn. But I feel a void not being social in that way. When Charles was a pastor we would agonize over who we should have over for dinner next. (not that we didn’t want anyone over, but we felt such pressure and didn’t want to offend anyone that hasn’t been invited over in awhile) also, we used to enjoy (to a point) having our own small group and having people over.
Now that we don’t have any of that, it’s like I feel pressure to do what I can to be hospitable. They clearly aren’t that interested in us though. And I am not ready to have them over for dinner yet. I was going to call just to say Hi and welcome to the neighborhood but I at least already said that in a FB message to her husband.
David, thank you for giving me permission (lol) to not call them.
It’s like in a way I’m a people pleaser and in a way I”m not. I have no trouble saying no to a lot of things, and that’s partly why they didn’t like me as a pastor’s wife. But at the same time, I do worry about what some people think.First, Hi Kellie! If you write a comment on an old post it still goes to the poster since most of us clicked the “follow-up replies” box at the bottom. AND just because it’s an old post doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a current issue. So, if you have something to add, by all means add it!
That being said, I like @Moxie’s suggestion. She is a wise one. The neutral territory does wonders for folks. Also, like David, I felt a lot of pressure to be hospitable. People told me it was my gift. I am indeed hospitable but there is something in American Church subculture that makes it so that we are suppose to be friends with everyone at church. It’s as if we are all suppose to get along and if we don’t there is something wrong. I like it that you are conflicted about what to do and how to handle it. I like it that you are asking the questions. I like it that you are uncomfortable with the whole thing and unsure on what you want.
This tells me that you are listening to yourself. I have a lot of respect for the listening. Well done! Keep us posted. (@David once gave me some very good and most excellent advice, “treat them as noisy apartment neighbors.” Those words have been a great help when I wasn’t sure how to handle the church folks that I didn’t want to hang out with but kept bugging me to connect. I was/am polite and warm but I leave it (them) alone.
AnonymousIt’s so refreshing to hear that it’s okay to doubt and question things. I would normally feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of not calling her. Thanks “Starfielder”!
You’re welcome! The guilt can be unlearned. I’m unlearning it every single day.
That’s always tough meeting up with old friends when things have changed, particularly your core beliefs about faith and God. I think you should just let it happen naturally it is meant to be. And if you don’t meet up, it might be for the best.
I was watching the food network with drive-throughs , diners, and dives and they showed an interesting Indian restaurant in Phoenix called Cury Corner. You might need to be careful with dairy and glutton in some of the dishes, but that might be a good neutral place to meet if you decide to do it.
You have been given some great advice here – I particularly like what David said – and the advice about meeting in a neutral space.
I’d add that one of the things I’ve learnt is that I can never second guess what other people are thinking…so they maybe hesitant to call first because they are not interested/unsure…but they may also be trying to be overly sensitive and not wanting to come across as Bible bashers who can’t wait to get you back into church…so they may not want to push things, and want to give you space, but none the less they maybe eagerly awaiting your call and with no agenda to get you back into church? It is possible…even if you don’t think it probable.
The truth may be somewhere between the two…Prayers for wisdom to do the right thing for you and your family – and peace about whatever decision you make.
AnonymousThanks, everyone. All of my life, I did things because I thought that I “should.” I never specifically said that I would for sure be calling them so I think I’ll wait until (and if) I feel ready. And now it’s awkward because I remembered that he is a big Mark Driscoll fan and after hearing Pam’s story, I just can’t be friends with anyone who would want to be associated with them.
Katie Thomas’s comment reminded me of something else I have learned along the way.
It’s crass but it gets the point across, When I’m trying to figure out what other people are thinking it’s called “mind-fucking.”
What they think is their business.
Unless they tell you, you (we, I) really don’t know what they are thinking.
It makes it so much easier to navigate relationship when I don’t mind-fuck. I got this from my therapist… take it, it’s free! I paid for it!
I had a similar issue with a couple that we were great friends with in Virginia and then they moved here 12 years later. Our kids reconnected at a school but barely remembered each other, just stories. And when I had my real FB page, we connected there. But we never did get together in person. I got over my guilt once I realized from her posts that they jumped right in and do more in our city than I ever have- like caroling in the square at Christmas. I didn’t know I was worried about making them feel at home in Tennessee, but after seeing how fine they were doing, it was easy to let the past connection o. And as a bonus, no spiritual journey conversations to be had.
AnonymousCrystal,
I think you hit the nail on the head. I have this innate need to make them feel welcome…. but I know that they are doing just fine. Of course, they were they two doors down instead of two streets down, I’m sure we would run across them but at least they aren’t that close. Thanks for sharing that you can relate.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.