This topic contains 14 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by 
-
Posts
-
So I feel that I have been MIA for a bit now…a couple of months.
I can pinpoint the very two days where things drastically changed for me. The first day I had a disagreement with my mother on the phone which left me sobbing, frustrated and feeling very judged and misunderstood (her words included… ‘ Sara, you are always so angry!’). The next evening I had a huge argument with my husband, which is never good.
From then on…I have almost ‘checked out’. I’m not sure why. If I dig deep enough I may be able to come to some sort of conclusion. I’m just so tired. Tired of trying to make everyone happy. When I don’t ‘feel’ happy (maybe happy isn’t the right word I’m looking for) But I guess I’m just not feeling much these days ~other than confused, lonely and a bit shut down. I thought I was passed all of this ‘shutting down’ shit ( did this a lot in church etc). Up until two months ago I was becoming more self aware…what happened to me!?
Suddenly I feel as if I have absolutely NOTHING figured out. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Where my focus is supposed to be. I feel like I have very little to offer here… I have no thought provoking statements etc
My deconstruction process started pretty quickly and got really deep very fast…could this be part of it? Or did I hit a brick wall emotionally? I guess only things I can truly answer. Spiritually I’m floundering…I’m not even sure if ‘spiritual’ can be used to define any part of my life right now (and I’ve always considered myself a spiritual being).
I’m really sucking at relationships right now too. Even though part of me so yearns to feel connected and be connected to others…I have such a block and fear of sorts that no one will really get me or love me through the shit. Fuck I don’t even know if ‘I’ get me or love me enough through this….
I’m sorry if I’m not making sense right now. I just thought I’d throw it all out there in hopes that it may bring me some kind of clarity.
I love you guys and think about you often even though I haven’t been around much.
Thanks for sharing, and being honest. Thinking of you, and a big hug from me and my wife.
I think you are courageously honest and open – that (in my opinion) makes you somebody who has lots to offer – whether here or anywhere else. So sorry you are going through such a hard time – I will say a prayer for you.
Hi Sara,
I’m sorry about your struggles although they sound very familiar to me. I would say that I’ve been in and out of the place you’ve described several times since trying to come to terms with my own changing faith. I’m at a place now where I just let things fall where they may instead of trying to carry everything. I’ve looked for peace in the middle of all of the upheaval and most of the time am resigned to the fact that life is messy, relationships are messy, and sometimes spirituality is messy if we are going to be committed to finding our true selves. This has actually helped me. So, I hope you find some peace in the middle of all the confusion. It’s there if you can find a quiet space.
Hugs,
Julia
AnonymousSara – I’m glad you shared where you’re at. Sorry I don’t really have any answers, just try to remember you won’t always be in this same place. I think it just goes with the territory.
Right now I’m still part of a Christian ecumenical ministry because I still believe in this ministry’s goal – which is to tangibly show God’s love to women who have a loved one in prison. I thought I could sort of “fly under the radar” as far as some of the team-building activities (like having a prayer partner, etc.), but I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. Now I’m wishing I had not made this commitment. At best it feels like being spiritually bi-polar, and at worst it feels like I’m being a dishonest imposter. It’ s making me a little crazy and I know sooner or later I will have to bail, so the sooner the better before I get too attached to the gals on the team. I have no idea what to tell them as to my reason for leaving??? I say all that to let you know youre not the only one feeling a little crazy right now. Sending you lots of hugs! Hang n there!
Hi Sara,
You are not alone. Confused, lonely and a bit shut down. Yea I know that stuff too. Things aren’t going great for me either and I haven’t been contributing here but this is still where I belong right now. I think a lot has to do with being tired and some health issues are not helping. I need time and energy to process a lot of god and no god stuff but I have neither. It would be nice to take a break from work and lack of good sleep for a while. I find myself vegging by surfing the net and watching YouTube way too much. I do enjoy my iPad :). I lost all my church ‘friends’. It would be nice to meet up with a friend for coffee once in a while. Gotta figure out a way to make that happen.
Sara, this is the very thing the “church” has failed at… letting people be people and live their uncertain lives and still be loved. IMHO. If I were with you I would say, “Let’s go for a slow run.” And if we didn’t want to run I’d drink a coffee with you. Keep us posted… it’s a journey… and we are on the journey…
What could I possibly add to this sara? You sound normal. This is normal. That doesn’t make the struggle any easier or the pain any more bearable. But you sound like you’re taking it head on. We’re here for you.
AnonymousSara, this all makes sense in a WTF kind of way. You are not alone. This is truly a safe and beautiful place. Your honest vulnerability is what makes it beautiful, it’s up to all of us to make it safe. I went though a very dark time last fall. I’m some better now. Practice paying attention to nothing but your breath. Skype someone in this group. I’ve had a few skype chats within this community that have been very encouraging. Deep peace to you.
In my past life and in my old church-y culture, I might mutter something trite…mostly to make myself feel better…because we never learned to sit with others’ pain. But now after being on the receiving end of too much of that BS, I may not offer much clarity, but I can say with great sincerity, “I understand… I am sorry…and I care”.
Sara, you said two things that I can so relate to:
1… I can pinpoint the very two days where things drastically changed for me.
2… I don’t even know if ‘I’ get me or love me enough
I stayed in a very dark place after that for over a year. I hope you can find your way to NOT do what I did. I don’t know how to tell you what to do. But I am here if you need to talk.
And, as McBeth said, “I understand… I am sorry… and I care.”Hi Sara,
It sounds like you are angry. What would it be like to just be angry and see what that tells you?
The heavy emotional statements that I read from you were.
1. I’m tired of trying to make everyone happy
2. Suddenly I feel as if I have absolutely NOTHING figured out.
3. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Where my focus is supposed to be.
4. I feel like I have very little to offer here
I can understand why you would be feeling angry and afraid with these ideas emerging. Each one of these expresses shifts in major aspects of your humanity.
Sometimes I can get stuck in my head and I have to listen to my body and it’s emotions to figure out what I really want.
You might try imagining letting go and just give yourself some permission to simply have your feelings and see where that leads you.
Hi Sara,
sometimes that place of unknowing is really the fertile ground where good things are germinating, even though it doesn’t feel that way now. I hear a lot of fear, like “what’s happening to me and where will I end up”. It’s a scary feeling, but a necessary one if we are ever going to grow into a new life. I also hear you ready to lay down some obligations. I think part of my awakening is discovering that its really OK to take care of myself and set some boundaries around what I will commit to. It seems so un-Christian, that ideal of giving of yourself until there is nothing left, but in fact it helps me get clarity around where I really do feel called to put my energies. I would suggest that you are, in fact, in a very good place! Your journey of discovery is well on its way. Hang on for an exhilarating ride, and blessings on your way…
Thank you ALL so much for your grace, kind words, love and encouragement. I appreciate each and every one of you. You have also given me some things to really think about. Thank you. Thank you.
Anonymous@Sara, thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate a lot.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.