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AnonymousI’m going to try to keep this short and sweet, but given this has been a 2+ year saga, involving family, um, well, I’ll try my best.
The short of it is this: almost 3 years ago my mom and I got into an epic fight over the phone (live in different states). I had been trying to figure out how to establish healthier boundaries with her for a couple of years when this happened and so I was primed to lose my crap only I didn’t realize it in the moment. The argument happened when she told me she was afraid I was going to go to hell and that she had been praying to God every morning to take her to hell instead of me should it come to that.
*sigh*
Now, I’ve been where she’s at – I’ve been entrenched in that mentality – I have the Truth and I’m so blessed that God chose to take the blinders from my eyes and poor people who don’t hear the Truth and woe unto those who hear it and turn away. So I will do everything in my power to keep others on the straight and narrow.
You can imagine how the above paragraph is intensified for a person when they are considering it in light of their children.
It has only been in the last 3 – 6 months that talking to my mom hasn’t been awkward. And, AND, my brother, who has not talked to my mom in over 18 months (for completely different reasons though this religious thing is definitely one of them), finally reached out to my mom about a month ago to try to start reestablishing a relationship with her. I bring this up only because this morning I open my email and find that she has emailed the following poem to both my brother and I:
It’s Your Move
I gave you life but I cannot live it for you
I can teach you things but I cannot make you learn
I can give you directions but I cannot always be there to lead you
I can allow you freedom but I cannot account for it
I can take you to church but I cannot make you believe
I can teach you right from wrong but I can’t always decide for youI can love you as my child but I cannot place you in God’s family
I can pray for you but I cannot make you walk with God
I can teach you about JESUS but I cannot make HIM your SAVIOR
I can teach you to obey but I cannot make JESUS your LORD
I can tell you how to live but I cannot give you ETERNAL LIFEThank You for Listening
Love,
MomI’m at a place where I’m like, “Whatever.” I’ll just ignore it. But I have a feeling I’m going to get a phone call from my brother today who will be really upset about this.
It’s patronizing, it’s assuming, it’s rude. And yet there is nothing I can say to get that through to her. Plus, it’s undone months of reparation.
I was thinking about replying all to the email, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. Plus, I’m not sure what I’d say as there are a few directions I could go.
Happy Sunday….
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This topic was modified 2 years ago by
David Hayward.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by David Hayward.
AnonymousI think writing the above post helped me sort through some stuff. Here is how I responded to her and CC’d my brother:
Mom,
Thank you for sharing what touches your heart. I don’t have kids so I don’t know what it’s like to feel responsible for another human being in that way. And I also can’t imagine how difficult it must be to try to change that feeling of responsibility as they mature into adults.
I’m so sorry that you’ve struggled so much with the way my religious and spiritual has twisted and turned. I’m happy that you’re realizing that it’s not your responsibility so that you and I can have a healthy relationship going forward.
I love you,
TanaI still want to hear what you think about all of this – different perspectives can be so helpful.
Wow Tana good for you. Excellent response because it totally puts what she’s feeling in her responsibility. This is not your stuff, but hers. Well done!
AnonymousThank you, David. It felt right. And I wanted my brother to see it because I know it’s going to cheese him off when he reads it and I want to give him hope that he can get to a place where he too responds with, “Whatever.”
Not taking responsibility for how she feels is something I’ve had to teach myself and one of my boundary issues. I took responsibility for that when I was a child after my dad left and she let me well into adulthood. Now it feels like she keeps trying to “play that card” to get her way in my spiritual life. I’d like to think it’s subconscious….I don’t know. Honestly.
Our beliefs can make us do incredible things, some of them harmful.
I think writing the above post helped me sort through some stuff.
Writing it out is such a helpful tool! Thanks for sharing this with us. I love the way you handled it. Hopefully your mom will see your heart in your response. {hugs} There is a palpable tension that exists between myself and some members of my family for my beliefs. It used to be uncomfortable and I used to feel guilty as I was the one who changed while they didn’t. However, when I took a step back and examined it I realized that the issue was with them. The only thing that changed about me was my faith – I’m the same person I’ve always been. Their judgment and shaming which I originally thought came from a place of love and worry about my soul, actually came from a place of control. If I could walk away and be happy, healthy, and whole, how could they use fear and damnation as a means of control? Some have even discouraged their kids from communicating with me for fear they lose control over them as well. It’s a sad thing, but it’s their issue, not mine. Until they realize that, I won’t let them bring me down.
Tana, imagine yourself at a park standing next to a bench. Now imagine your mom sitting on that bench, and your left leg chained to it. You can choose to go about your day dragging her and her issues with you, or you can break the chain and leave her sitting there until she’s ready to get off her issues. With family and those we love, I find it’s easier to say we’re in “Whatever” mode, but the reality is they still have the power to hurt and disappoint us. We do however have the power to not drag that pain along with us as we journey on. Again, I love how you handled this.
AnonymousServantgirl: I totally agree with you. It has been liberating to release myself from a responsibility that is not mine. Numerous, actually – trying to manage how she feels about things by making sure she’s happy and so toeing whatever line happens to be in front of me the way she would want me to. So many lines to toe. So many emotions and feelings to worry about. Not anymore!
Of course, there has been pain in that growth – watching her struggle, feeling her struggle as I experience freedom and she, confusion and dismay. It’s been an excellent lesson in learning how to be compassionate without letting my empathy be taken advantage of. Neutral compassion.I felt like I had to respond on behalf of my brother. I hope it might help him, but there again – I can’t and won’t take responsibility for that either. He has to go through his motions too.
Wow Tana! Good work!
“Of course, there has been pain in that growth – watching her struggle, feelingher struggle as I experience freedom and she, confusion and dismay. It’s been an excellent lesson in learning how to be compassionate without letting my empathy be taken advantage of. Neutral compassion.”
I’m still learning this… My own mom said to me recently “I can’t talk to you about these things.(god/spirituality) It hurts too much, because the fact that you’re going a totally different way than I raised you means I failed.”
I really didn’t know what to say, because I have children of my own, and I don’t see them like that. All I want is for my children to be happy and whole, however that looks! I did tell her that I hope someday she can understand that my personal journey isn’t her success or failure. I wasn’t trying to invalidate her feelings, though…I used to fear for my children’s souls, and not too many years ago! My mom frequently says to me, “I know YOU don’t believe in Him anymore, but I do, and I am praying for you anyway!”…and I always say, “Thanks, mom!”
I truly hope that you and your mom are able to have a healthier relationship, and that she takes your response very well!
Anonymousmoxie – Oh my gosh, you and I have a lot in common! LOL Verbatim I have heard what you have, “I know YOU don’t believe in Him anymore, but I do, and I am praying for you anyway!” Oh my gosh, yes. For a long while I got angry when I heard this because I thought, “As if you even know what I believe!” Our conversations were non-starters – she would get so upset that she couldn’t hear me almost out of the gate. So it frustrated me to hear her make proclamations about what I believed when she wouldn’t listen to me in the first place. But, I remember well, coming from that sub-culture: there is only belief and non-belief. You either subscribe 110% or you’re not subscribing at all.
I’m actually really proud of myself, if I may say so. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have allowed receiving this msg to ruin my entire day. I feel like I could be in an ad for Virginia Slims. LOL (Oh jeez, did I just show my age?)
I too can say, “I used to….” I used to pray for my fallen friends, I used to stay up all night worrying about my friends who were going to hell. Fasting on other people’s behalf, evangelizing myself right out of relationships, never understanding that the problem was ME and not my perception of the other person’s lack of faith.
I’m so relieved to not have all the answers anymore.
Anonymousgood. In the Buddhist tradition we strive to realize that other people are unkind because they are suffering too. Here is a three step practice from Pema Chödrön:
First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.
Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”
Then go into the next moment without any agenda.
This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.
AnonymousTana, you handled your mom with such grace and tact!
You are definitely in a very tricky position. It is a very fine line to figure out how to be loving and supportive of somone you love who is constantly judging you, and yet maintain healthy boundaries for your own emotional health.
My mom is so emotionally/spiritually abusive and toxic, not to mention incapable of respecting my boundaries, that it is impossible to have a relationship with her at all.
I hope your mom can eventually “agree to disagree” when it comes to spiritual matters, so you both can focus on other aspects of your relationship.
AnonymousGuruMike – I love that practice. Thank you for sharing it with me/us. I’ve found it to be extremely helpful in so many different areas, esp. before doing a Reiki session.
Jo White – It’s so interesting to hear how many people have boundary issues with their mothers. I used to think I was alone in that, until I started talking about it. Funny that, eh? I think my mom is trying really hard to figure out how to agree to disagree and that that exercise in and of itself causes one to question their own faith if they believe their faith is The Truth and so I have to give her props for doing it at all, even if on a really peripheral level.
I hope all of us can eventually have a loving reconciliation with our mothers.
Ok, here is one of my simple truths that I try to live by in regard to my Mother, “Give up all hope of a different Mother.”
I love the way GuruMike practices being present. Growing empathy for others is a great thing to cultivate… even in my most difficult relationships.
Sometimes I do this: As I listen, I breathe deeply and I tell myself I’m breathing in the love of God and breathing out all the bad stuff. Then I breathe in all the bad stuff and breathe out the love of God.”
Other times I simply go for a run.
Sounds like you’re doing very well. Your letter is a beautiful response.
“Give up all hope of a different Mother.” Love it Starfielder – Ain’t it the truth! So tricky with moms. It’s hard to let go of the responsibility for the lives of our children.
Tana, when you think about it (and I know you have) – she really believes her kids are going to hell and it scares the crap out of her because she has done everything she could think of for it not to happen. She’s at her wits end with it – poor soul! It’s so hard to let go and trust our kids to God.
Tana – that was a grace-filled and beautiful letter and I hope some day that she can see and feel what a beautiful daughter she raised!
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