hi i'm nastya, and here is the mess that is my story

[enjolrasinhispyjamasParticipant]

Hello everyone, I’m Nastya. And here is my complicated mess of a story. (appologies in advance for the length!! ew.)

I am a twenty-something INTP (for those of you who appreciate Myers-Briggs) female person who loves stories, ideas, art, asking scary existential questions, writing, the magic of living, and helping people become free.

I am originally from California, where I was was raised (and fully indoctrinated) in an obscure little cult/extremist Christian group called Church of God (basically a very fundamentalist split off of the Anderson Church of God group which apparently the Gaithers are associated with).

The doctrinal core:
*women wear skirts and no one is permitted to watch TV or movies
*we and we alone have the Absolute Truth of God
*that Absolute Truth being that God requires his children to live an absolutely sin-free life, and everyone who sins or believes otherwise is going to hell
*if you disagree with the pastor you are rebellious and are going to hell
*we don’t fully trust you until you’ve knelt at our altar and basically have admitted that you agree with everything we say
*once you kneel at our altar and confess, Jesus will completely wipe away all past abuse, grief, and unhealed trauma and will make you new. you will be a magically whole and perfect person. which means you will be happy and super spiritual all the time and if not, something is wrong with you (and you’re probably going to hell).
*once you are a part of this church, you are pretty much expected to stay in this location until you die because God has planted you here and doesn’t want you to uproot yourself
*if you leave us once you have known Our The Truth, you will become seven times worse than an ordinary sinner

Naturally this led to a lot of (sometimes subtle and disguised, sometimes not) Bible-bashing and “other”-hating and completely black-and-white thinking, as well as enormous amounts of fear and shame.

My 3 younger siblings and I (two of whom still are in the group) were homeschooled in an attempt to shield us from the evils of the world. Church completely dominated our lives. Regular church services four times a week, mandatory personal devotions every morning and evening, family devotions every morning and evening, not to mention all the extracurricular church activities we were involved in.

I think I have my parents and my mental illness to thank for starting me down the path towards freedom. Both my mother and father were emotionally abusive (my father sometimes physically through angry spanking, I was spanked until I was about 17). My mother was incredibly emotionally absent and empty, and church was the drug that kept her alive and functioning. My dad was manipulative and moody. Both of them were leaders in the church and were idolised, everyone thought my dad was the coolest person and I constantly heard about how angelic my mom was.

I fully bought into the church’s message, and did my best to outperform and be a “great example”. But my brain sensed that there was something massively screwed going on with how my parents were treating me and my siblings. And eventually the abuse began to catch up with me (around 2011) in the form of debilitating depression, dissociation, depersonalisation, and awful, unexplainable panic attacks. This didn’t exactly line up with the promise of Happiness and Perfection that I’d been given, so I began (heaven spare us!!) asking questions. I was tired of my soul being so sick, and I wanted something better.

I tried to reach out for help within the church, and found that they had absolutely NO answers for me. In a way, I think it surprised and perhaps disturbed a few of them that couldn’t understand how I, a model young congregant, could be suffering so much. So I began the perilous journey into myself, trying to find what was wrong. The deeper I went, the more I realised how toxic my church (and family) situation was.

In 2012, I began corresponding online with a beautiful, intelligent, Canadian girl named Alyosha. Our backgrounds were eerily similar, and we were both starting to ask serious questions. Our relationship became a safe space to exercise free thinking. Eventually I made a two-week trip up to visit her in person. That was the longest amount of time I had ever been away from my parents or from church. During that trip, I realised that I wanted to leave SO. FREAKING. BADLY.

It’s hard to describe the amount of terror involved when my brain finally began to ponder leaving the church. I’d been thoroughly programmed in the belief that leaving=ticket straight to hell. The last few months that I was attending, I spent large portions of the church service locked inside a bathroom stall, trying to drown out the triggering sermons. Other services were spent writing angsty letters to God about how I wanted to leave (or writing stories about dragons who burned down churches in their free time). When I came back from my Canadian trip, I almost immediately started therapy. With a therapist who was working with another ex-Church of God congregant. When my mother found out, she immediately contacted the pastor, and informed me that he didn’t approve of the arrangement. I took a very deep breath, then told her that it didn’t matter since I was planning on leaving the church.

I told my father, who was surprisingly WAY more accepting than I could have possibly expected. I had a meeting with my pastor, which was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Needless to say, he was not happy.

The following 8 months were hell. I was expecting to be free, I was expecting the hardest part to be over once I left. What I was NOT prepared for was having to deal with the loss of the only culture/social group I’d been exposed to, and having to reintegrate myself into society with almost no support. Depression was severe, I rarely left my room, and I was far too much of a mess to get a job and earn enough money to get myself away/continue therapy.

Miraculously, things came together and two months ago I flew back to Canada, where I am staying currently with (my now girlfriend) Alyosha. Things are still rocky but I feel so much better and am slowly continuing through the mad mess of learning how to rebuild my life (and myself) from the ground up.

And I’m excited. I want to become whole, and I want to devote my life to unraveling fundamentalist/abusive systems wherever and everywhere I find them. Even when it’s excruciating as hell, I think it’s a beautiful journey.

………………………….and if you’ve actually managed to read this far, PROPS TO YOU!!! Looking forward to getting to know you cool TLS people!

• This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.
• This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.
• This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.
• This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.

[HeleneParticipant]

Wow Nastya, thanks for sharing, and also where you are up to now. My heart goes out to people coming out of these systems. Here’s to the journey. I’m glad you’ve discovered TLS, it has been very provoking for me, but in a good way. Reading back over David’s communications he’s put out too might help when the forums may at times feel a little jumbled (jumbled is good, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also nice to get some direct encouragement via David’s podcasts and letters too). BTW, was this the same group that Joaquin Phoenix grew up in?

[enjolrasinhispyjamasParticipant]

Hi Helene, thank you so much for the comment and for your encouragement!! I think the group Joaquin Phoenix was in was called Children of God, so yeah not the same group.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

AMAZING STORY!!! Thanks for sharing it Nastya. I’m so glad you’re here with us! Welcome!

[DanielleParticipant]

Welcome Nastya, thanks for sharing. It’s not easy, but it gets easier

[irreveranceParticipant]

Hello Nastya! Welcome to the community. That’s a very rough start to life. It sounds like this is going to be a really good place for you to express yourself safely and find support.

Btw, striking through “our” was a nice touch.

[TraceyParticipant]

Looking forward to getting to know you and your angsty, artistic mind!

[AndreasParticipant]

Hi Nastya. It’s indeed a beautiful journey. Welcome to TLS

[starfielderParticipant]

Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome.

[Author]

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