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My mom saw a blog post I wrote about Easter (http://www.soullikeaspider.com/2013/03/28/easter-year-3/). She said something that I quickly brushed off, but now I don’t really know how to take.
Mom: The the church you were hurt at was so much less conservative than where your dad and I grew up, and if you were that tender of a soul and had been at our church …
And then went on to muse out loud, “And I just wonder how you heal from that.” (How I will heal from the pain I’ve experienced.)
Now that I’ve reviewed the conversation again, it actually feels like she was invalidating my pain. I know that she and my dad picked the church that I grew up in that hurt me, and that they contributed to the conservative/fundamentalist environment that I now lash out against… but I feel like there if she was trying to express empathy, there are much better ways to say something like that.
Am I just reading into things? I feel crazy, but I know you all will likely remind me that I’m not.
AnonymousMoms! My mom does this all the time. I think it is her way of saying, “Well at least I did a better job than my parents.” Problem is she said it out loud. Just like my Mom would. My mom though has discounted most of human suffering including racism, suffrage, and homophobia, “we’ll when I was a kid we lived on a dirt floor and ate moldy bread and green bologna”.
AnonymousDeanna, Thanks for the link to your blog post. I don’t know your your Mum’s intentions, but for me that was one powerful piece of writing. And I don’t think you could’ve written that if you had experienced great pain. Great art, writing, and music often come from great pain. I think that is why there is so much superficial pap printed these days. Most people just don’t want to face the “dark stranger” within. They would rather just play it safe and stay in the “shallow, kiddie end” in the pool of life. Maybe part of your Mum’s comment came from deflecting her own pain. I don’t know, just guessing on that one. But, I really hope to read more from you. You write from “the deeper end of life”. Don’t be afraid of it, just keep on swimming.
My question is, is “tender soul” a compliment or an insult? I think it’s okay to be a tender soul. It’s never okay to be abusive, even with tender souls. So I’m not sure what that means.
Hi Deanna,
You should take it exactly as you did once you gave it some thought. And No, I do not believe tender soul was a compliment. We all have our own stories. Could it be that she has issues with her own guilt with you being hurt by your church. Could it be that you possibly have shown a strength and bravery that she lacks?
Warmly,
Patty
David, that comment about the “tender soul” is highly insightful. We should all have tender souls; but we should be expected to expose them to all and sundry!
Deanna, I really know where you’re coming from. I felt much the same way this year about Easter and a lot of the rest of Christianity. I hear the God-centred POV and struggle to accept it now; I hear fellow attendees spouting opinions they don’t even know are toxic; I see wilful ignorance about the history of why we’re even together. It gets hard holding my tongue from telling people that they have no fucking idea.
Unfortunately, it is those closest to us who are capable of the biggest misunderstandings and also capable of hurting us the most. I have made sure I have not discussed any of this with my immediate family. I know my own mother will not understand and will say things that she thinks will try to help but really don’t. (I try to not even talk about nutrition because she just believes the mass-media whereas I’ve done more and better research.)
Wade.
Interesting comments Wade, “I hear fellow attendees spouting opinions they don’t even know are toxic; I see wilful ignorance about the history of why we’re even together. It gets hard holding my tongue from telling people that they have no fucking idea.” Are you referring to people here at TLS?
Patty
Are you referring to people here at TLS?
Oh, no! Definitely not here at TLS! I was referring to people at the church I’ve been attending for the last decade.
We had a men’s breakfast a few months ago. We used to have them regularly and the idea was that we could share in an environment where there was just men. Many people don’t understand what that truly means, or how valuable it can be. To work properly, though, it needs to be properly set up, not just as a place, but in the minds of those attending. I suspect the pastor knows this which is probably why he started them up again.
All that aside, there was some interaction about popular culture at one point during the breakfast, mostly around the portrayal of men and fathers, and mention was made of the TV series “Modern Family”. One chap present expressed distress at the fact they portrayed a gay couple, completing missing the point that this was art very deliberately imitating life. I disagreed that that was “wrong”, but knew I was in the minority and kept mum.
A second example. I’ve been reading about where the Bible came from, who chose the books, who wrote the books, etc etc. I had seen for a number of years that much of the church-based sermon-teaching tends to go around in circles, but didn’t know why. Now I think I do. Very few sermons in all the years I’ve been attending church have ventured out beyond the confines of the “standard” beliefs about the Bible. There are messages dicing and re-dicing the works of Paul, comparing and contrasting the adventures of Joseph or David, Job or Daniel, but almost no messages even acknowledging things like The Gospel Of Thomas, or trying to pull apart the pantheon of gods during the time of the Judges, or even seeing how Paul’s message simply developed over the years. Admittedly, one forty minute sermon once a week is precious little time for this sort of exploring, which is a shame.
I’ve rattled on long enough, though.
Wade.
Just reading the words, I’m not sure how to take them either–and they were spoken rather than written, and said to you and not me. So if I’m this confused reading, how much more it must have been hearing it! Navigating things family members say can be so hard.
I guess the one thing that stood out to me was the musing about “how do you heal from that.” If you figure it out, please let me know. I wasn’t even at the top of the injury list at my last church and I’m still having a hard time healing. I actually seize up every time the issue of membership comes up at the church I’m attending, even though I know it can’t be anything like the last one. I still feel afraid to connect, even though there are people reaching out who are quite a lot like the folks here. If there’s some big secret about healing from church hurt, I’d like to know what it is too.
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