This topic contains 13 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by 
Gary 1 year, 4 months ago.
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I woke up in the middle of the night last night with these eight words floating like a ticker tape across my brain.
I don’t want to meet you for coffee.
I wasn’t honest with myself. I was caught up in “what would people think?”
But vacation, a true, away, non busy vacation has let the murky water of my psyche settle.
My ex-friend and associate pastor of the church I left wants to meet for coffee. I put her off. I told her that I was away until the end of the summer.
But in the middle of the night last night I woke up thinking, “I don’t want to meet you for coffee. Probably ever.”
I know as I write this, you, dear reader will say, “well then don’t.”
But, it seemed so way far more complicated than that. It involves my kids. It involves my other friends.
And this being said, I write it here so that I will indeed NOT MEET HER FOR COFFEE.
Good for you!
– She may only want info for the church news and gossip crowd (prayer chain, whatever they call it). No doubt people have asked her about you; it doesn’t look good for her to say she doesn’t know and hasn’t tried to talk to you. Now she can blame you.
– She may have been “assigned” you by the pastor. I know from my wife working at a UMC church the head pastors are under a lot of pressure about attendance numbers and finances, and the bishops peruse the weekly spreadsheets with great interest.
– She may just call ex and current members as a matter of her “to-do” list and your number just came up.
– She may have been in the closet and is coming out, and has always had a crush on you. (Statistically, the odds are higher on that than on her actually caring about you. Just sayin’).I got a similar call about 2 months ago. I met the guy for coffee. After 20 minutes of small talk, he said, “Um, so I noticed that your financial support abruptly ended at the end of December. What happened?” I said that the church (and Church) had separated itself so far from the teachings of Jesus that I can no longer attend or support it. I also said that even if I agreed with the way the church has gone, I could just give my money directly to the Republican party and eliminate the middle man. The ONLY argument he had was that “that Bible says not to forsake the assembling … blah blah.” I said I don’t, I am a member of a great community. Later I sent him links to Naked Pastor and TLS.
About two weeks later he called me again, and asked if I had any change of heart – he needed his support firmed up by the end of the week for the coming fiscal year. I told him my conscience wouldn’t allow it.You’re right, I’m thinking “Then DON’T!”…But I also get why it seems/feels more complicated. So maybe think about it this way: if it’s waking you up in the middle of your summer relaxation, then possibly your intuition is trying to get your full attention. I know it wasn’t encouraged at all before, and to heed a thought like that, or consider it to be a healthy thing would’ve been considered selfish or ungodly…but I’m here to say otherwise! Tune in to your inner voice because I promise you it knows what is good for you (and your kids!) I’m sure that lady doesn’t have your inner peace and freedom of spirit at heart. I know it. Despite what churchianity says, it’s a GOOD thing to look after you, on your own, and it is damaging to leave it to them. Take charge and follow your intuition. (If it were me, I’d be tempted to ask her to meet me at a topless bar instead.) Also, someday, I DO want to meet you for coffee…;-)
AnonymousOh gurrrr, this kind of thing just makes me want to swear. Randy your story, especially the way you shared it, just totally triggered me, and not just once.
Oh Hey Randy how ya doin buddy? Wife, kinds? All good? Great! So hows your wallet?
WHAT?? Hows my wallet? Did you ask me how my wallet is? FUCK YOU!!
Argh!
I think I need to CTFD. Sheesh.
So Star, follow your dream.
@Wayner, so funny! Heheh
Anonymoussorry it’s so complicated. seems like so much of life is these days for a lot of us. I remember our counsellor essentially telling us to ignore x person’s communications to us and eventually they”d get the hint & go away. I’m not sure that would help you in this situation though?
Well… thank you everyone. I needed a pep talk. Last time we met she asked me who my friends are. That was creepy. I think she is sent by the pastor on a fact finding mission… who am I talking to… what is my story…
I love Jess’s suggestion… meet at a topless bar… or at the East West Bookstore for that matter both would be abhorrent to her.
But seriously I’m just gonna take a pass and tell her so when it comes up next time.
AnonymousShe asked who your friends were? Did she want names, addresses, the whole bit? Why does she want to know? Aargh you’re probably right – fact finding mission.
@starfielder-she wanted to know so she could use the lack of community angle to get you back! And Randy- money is one reason I think I keep getting contacted about coffee. I actually went to a horse show not too long ago thinking it would be a chance to hash out some things out of town. But I didn’t get enough gumption to confront anything. the best I could do was not hide my disagreement with anything she said about current issues. That was a big step. But after I got back I have steadfastly avoided all requests for coffee kwowing the answers I want just don’t exist so there will never be closure.
It’s so liberating when you can say no and just move on. We play this game of “should I shouldn’t I” over and over. I have found that being decisive is always best. And it sets boundaries which are so important.
I needed reminding of ALL of this. So, really, THANK YOU.
I don’t have anything to say to her. I have no unanswered questions. I don’t really want to know how she is or how she is doing or how her family is. She has plenty of folks who care for her. I don’t want to know what’s going on at her church or how the church is doing. (The church that was my home for many many years. The church where I had my babies, repaired my marriage, buried loved ones, did hospice, served as a pastor, worship leader, women’s ministry leader, small group leader, jail chaplain, sunday school teacher, mom’s group leader, where most of my friends were)When we’ve run across each other I am warm and polite and I smile and don’t say much. It’s a new skill I’ve been nurturing.
But meeting for coffee is something other than polite, warm smiling and moving on.
The simple act of her asking has reminded me of all that I left behind (see above parenthesis). I got to walk away from that hot mess. It is not my hot mess and I get to choose to not tend it. I’m reminded that I am not the jack ass whisperer.
And I am wondering about my changing beliefs and faith. I’m mostly noticing the shifts and relief I feel now that I’m free.
I guess I’m growing up. OMG! I’m doing it!
I’m getting to conversation late but it looks like you’ve already resolved what to do! I know is its a tough thing. I remember going for coffee once with someone that I had a falling out with and it was weird. He moved away to another city not long after so there was never a chance for more meetings but I don’t know what would have happened. I already had him blocked on Facebook … but that’s another story.
AnonymousStar – Love your “I’m not the jackass whisperer” comment!! I think of those kind of invitations as “fishing expeditions.” They are fishing for information that they can try to reel you back in with – through guilt, peer pressure, lectures, throwing Bible verses at you, etc. Who needs that? Good for you for giving yourself permission to JUST SAY NO! And yes, you are growing by leaps and bounds and you are doing it girlfriend!! You’re one of my heroes!
Oh yeah…thank goodness I did not have a mouth full of coffee when I read the line … “I’m reminded that I am not the jack ass whisperer.” Thanks…I really needed that this morning.
One thing I do think I understand about the church…they will never understand. They will never believe we are anything but rebellious and backslidden and I am not convinced that there is anything we could say that would change their thinking. The institution needs this view for self preservation. And I have had to learn to accept that and find my own peace. And it seems to me that you have found your own peace as well.
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