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Today has been a rather self reflective day. Actually, the last week or so has been, but today is kind of punctuation-like in that self reflection. After being a part of the panel and sharing on Friday nights’ potluck hangout, and listening to @RevOxley share in the one they had this morning..I just can’t seem to stop thinking about how I was “back then” and all the different things that lead me to where I am today. So, it’s fitting that I stumbled across my old Mead Notebooks that I used to write in when I was a teenager. I started reading my old writings, mostly poems and lyrics, with a few letters I never sent, and some random thoughts and rants mixed in. One that I wrote in 1995 at the age of 16 really brought back a wave of memories for me. I swear I almost smelled my old bedroom for a second! I called it “Inner Struggle” and it goes like this:
Racking Pain
From deepest thoughts
Unknown agony
In troubled heart…
Causes warfare…inside.
Seclusive airs
A falsified front
No one else knows
What causes the stunt…
Of my dreams….
Dead to reality
Living in a daze.
Am I trapped here?
Or is it a phase…
Of life…
GOD PLEASE HELP ME!
by Jessi Blue age 16
And I recall, that as I wrote this, I was bawling my eyes out and feeling so sad and so lonely I couldn’t hardly stand it. And if I could respond to my 16 year old self, I might say something like this:
Yes, you’re right..it IS a phase of life. There will be MANY phases that feel almost the same. I know it’s painful. I know you feel alone. But you haven’t been permitted to think of yourself as a friend. You SHOULD be allowed to like yourself. That’s not being selfish. You are experiencing life as a self, learning how to live with others who are also existing as “selves”. A plant growing in a garden doesn’t soak up sunshine and then give it to some other plant. It soaks up the sunshine and make it into food for ITSELF, and then it gives off oxygen that promotes health and vitality for other forms of life. I know you’ve been told that God is who you must cling to when you feel this way, but can I ask you if you’ve ever really felt Him with you? I’m you, and I can tell you the answer if you really want to know…Please, know this, you are not a mistake…even though you recently learned you’re a “bastard”. You are not a failure, even though you think Mom and Dad split up because of you. You are NOT going to succeed in taking your own life, even though you’ve tried and will try again a few more times. Start soaking in some sunshine and see if you don’t feel a little better…I guarantee you that life does get harder than this, but it will also get much much MUCH better!!
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This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
moxierocks.
Wow Mox. (((Mox))) Courageous words to your 16 year old self. Well done my friend. Well done.
Yes, this is quite familiar to me.
AnonymousWow Mox – thanks for sharing that!
Great sharing you strong brave soul! lots of love.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
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