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@Ang, after that happened I haven’t had dinner with them since. going on 2 and a half years… and I have no plans to change this…. It WAS hard to listen to… I don’t know why someone would bring something like that up when the person is dead. And I was close to my Dad…
Anonymous@starfielder – How rough and painful it must have been to hear your deceased father maligned like that. unreal people could be so cruel on so many levels. And that “it’s how I was raised” line..what a load of crap. It’s like she’s saying I know who I am but I can’t help it. Bullpuckey.
I try to believe with my in laws that these things are not intentional but neglectful or just they are completely oblivious or something. But sometimes you gotta wonder.
I wonder right along with you @Kathy-D. Thank you for your kind words. I used to think I should just take it when my in laws pulled that bullpuckey on me… I finally grew a pair and now I simply don’t engage. I tend to lean towards believing that people are simply thoughtless but I have indeed met some cruel people.
Anonymous@starfielder – the kicker is, for me, we can’t actually discuss this w/ them…they have no capacity for deep discussions, bringing up things that they’ve done that have hurt us (even if brought up in the most politically correct, [i.e. by using "I" messages] way), etc. I long for a way to disengage but I don’t ever see it happening …unless I attend family functions but just bury my nose in a book the entire time or something…
It’ll never happen because the in-laws won’t leave us alone lol…they probably call us weekly..we have to see them at least bi-monthly…most of the time as long as I put my pain on the shelf and we only talk of superficial things, it’s bearable. Good old family obligations that will never stop until they pass away…
@Kathy-D, THAT is a kicker. Um, we’re skipping the 50th wedding anniversary… so it is possible to back away…. not easy.. not without feeling bad but you know the Richard Rohr quote I use…By the sacred yes or sacred no I mean that affirmation or negation that comes from a deep place of wisdom and courage, even if it creates conflict or disagreement. The sacred yes is not willful or egocentric, but rather is willing and surrendered. The sacred no is not rebellion or refusal, but always the necessary protecting of boundaries. -Richard Rohr
Anonymous@starfielder – the in-laws had their 60th wedding anniversary last year..skipping anything to do w/ that would have never been an option (but part of the celebration was in Hawaii as a family vacay that the in-laws paid for part of) so we had lots of time in Hawaii to do our own thing. I was pretty worried and wound up all we’d be doing was be joined at the hip w/ the rest of the fam but it didn’t happen that way thankfully.
maybe for us & our situation I make more out of it than it really is, I dunno, I do get quite wound up….
@euresd I am rather behind on the forum and so I didn’t read your post in this thread until just now..Oh my gosh, I feel so sad for the hard struggle you had to endure. I am glad that you came out of it with your husband behind you, though! Thank you so much for sharing with us. I started out my marriage as a weak and pliable young girl. I was barely 21 when I married my husband. I let his mother have control of EVERYTHING, because I was afraid of angering my soon to be in-laws…to the point where the wedding was essentially HER wedding..I hardly had a say in anything at all. To this day, I wish we could have a renewal of our vows, barefoot on the beach..with me in a simple empire waisted dress, and only close friends and family. I don’t much like looking at my wedding photos..the dress, my hair, the church, and so much else about them is a painful reminder that I let her take over. A couple of years later, when I had my first daughter and 11 months after that I had my second, I began to realize just how much power my MIL felt she had. In one specific instance, I very clearly stated my insistence for her NOT to do something, and then I left my house (She was watching the girls)…when I returned, she was caught in the act of doing the very thing I didn’t want her to do! I called her out on the spot and she insulted my parenting! It was all I could do not to throw her out the door..My husband and I discussed and then chose to write a letter to her, calling the specific incident to light, and expressing our love for her and hopes that she would receive this with grace..but that WE are the parents in this house, and we do not appreciate being undermined as the adults that we are now. The letter ended with a request to meet in person when she and my FIL were feeling up for it. And that meeting did not go well AT ALL. I nearly ran from the house screaming because not only did my MIL accuse ME of exaggerating everything, and being a “paranoid parent”, but she denied knowing that I did not want her to do what she did and tried to play it way down to a misunderstanding. That was beyond shocking to me, since I knew full well she remembered..because she got upset with me for calling her out when she was in my home! And then my FIL, who was not present for the incident, kept saying he didn’t understand why we would accuse them of having any ill will toward us and deflected, and completely disregarded the concerns that we had. My husband is the baby of the family, and really never has known how to handle confrontations..so it didn’t help at all that I was doing most of the talking, and he was just agreeing with me in occasional small gestures. Anyway, that was the beginning of the end for me..I decided I needed to get as far away from them as possible in order to be able to raise my family without too much interference from her. We landed only about an hour away, and we’ve had a few knock down drag out fights, but I do not get bullied by her anymore..so, @Kathy-D..even though it’s still true that my in laws don’t mistreat me NOW..my MIL used to have me wrapped around her middle finger,and getting unwrapped was a BEAR!
@Moxierocks That reminds me of one of the bigger mistakes I made when I got married. And that was we didn’t move far enough away from her parents. :-/ At first we tended about 10 minutes drive away, then we bought about 5 minutes drive away. (My parents were 20 minutes drive away.) Trouble was, our church was also where her mother went (her father didn’t come) and was five minutes *walk* from her place.
We should have moved an hour away and found another church, basically. It would have helped break the dependancy my ex had on her mother and when the marriage deteriorated it would have taken longer and been harder to transition into them versus me.
Wade.
Anonymous@Moxierocks – painful times. sorry. @staticsan – i understand re moving. we’re 3 hours away and that’s too close at times.
Anonymous@Moxierocks – My heart goes out to you too. Thanks for sharing that with me. What a strong, intelligent, “Quality” woman you are, Moxierocks. Your MIL is really missing out not having you in her life. Wish we were the the same town so we could have a coffee together.
@staticsan – You really hit the nail on the head. Much of what was happening was because of the physical proximity of my in laws. Tougher still for my hubby and me was in counselling owning up to both of us allowing his parents to have so much control over our marriage for so long. Once we worked past the blaming, anger, shame and guilt of that our marital counselling sessions actually began to being productive.
@starfielder – Love the Richard Rohr quote. “The sacred yes and sacred no”. I am going to mentally bank that one.
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