Invisible

[Anonymous]

I’m so effing sick of this.  Hubby’s parents throughout our 16 plus year marriage have frequently treated me as invisible.  Not introducing me to their friends at social events, saying (right in front of me) to someone else “look at the birthday card R. got me” (I’m usually the one that deals with choosing and cards for events etc.), barely a passing interest in what I do, feel, think, believe, etc. I sent an email out to everyone when I had my photo exhibit last month at a local shop ( a VERY big deal to me b/c I’d NEVER had one before ) which they completely ignored, didn’t mention on the phone the next week, etc. etc.

I know I shouldn’t keep “trying” but it wasn’t until I reposted the information on Facebook (yes, dammit, unfortunately my 84  year old mother-in-law’s on Facebook. As if I had a choice not to friend her..gotta stay in the will, they have $) that there was finally some acknowledgement.

Anyways……

Because of this, even the smallest thing can trigger my hurt / pain and anger over this..i.e. just now we got a cheque in the mail from them made out only to my husband. (They’re super-conservative with a somewhat dated way of doing finances so father in law probably figures we don’t have a joint account or something if he stops to think about it at all.)

Gawd.

• This topic was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Hayward.

[moxierocksParticipant]

I am very familiar with the pain of feeling invisible. I’m sorry! I recently deleted my husband’s entire family from FB because I couldn’t take it anymore. They all used FB as a way to avoid me to my face, if that makes any sense. It’s been 14 years and his family still pretends like I don’t exsist, so I know it won’t change.

(((HUGS))) to you! I really do understand the serious frustration and how much it hurts!

~moxie

[Anonymous]

Thanks @moxierocks.  I glanced at the envelope the cheque they sent came in as I was throwing it out..it’s addressed to my husband ONLY as if I don’t even LIVE in the house.  I applaud your courage at unfriending your inlaws on FB.  I’m not quite there yet and may never be, although I suspect some family members wouldn’t even notice (or care).

It’s so one-sided.  We are expected to go see his parents every other month (split between us and R’s brother) yet they give so little back.

[moxierocksParticipant]

@Kathy-D ouch! Isn’t that the worst? One time when we visited my husband’s grandmother on his dad’s side, (may she rest in peace) I was the last to the door. She had closed AND locked the door, so I had to knock again. She opened the door and said “Oh, it’s you.” I have never felt quite as much like hitting someone and crying all at the same time.

To be completely up transparent, I must tell you that my husbands’ PARENTS do not treat me like that, but most all of the other family members do, and there are a LOT of them. His mom and dad are very conservative and rather stubborn to boot, so it’s still not easy to spend time with them..but they are not hateful to me, even if they aren’t always completely inclusive. Unless religion comes up, I’m usually able to keep the peace with them… I still deleted them from FB though, just because all the rest of the family was so toxic.

[Anonymous]

@moxierocks – how painful your husband’s grandmother’s actions must have been…that’s appalling…

So sorry the balance of your husband’s family treats you like shit.

I said all of this to hubby last night (what I wrote)…& he re-iterated how their behavior is not intentional and part of me knows this…but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kathy-D and Moxierocks, This thread has really stirred up some righteous anger in me. I think it is because I can relate to various aspects of each. My own back ground is from an a religious teaching on the role of women that is Southern Baptist in nature & the mindset of women being submissive. In addition the whole southern culture of “women must always be ladies” crap (I’m from North-West Arkansas and live in the UK  – for 25years now: FYI) and what you got in my life was a set up from going abusive family life as a child to abusive family life as an adult. The purpetrator was my mother in law. It is all basic psychology really – a naive woman from an rural abused background rather lacking in street smarts at the time (me) meets a STRONG willed grammer shcool educated English woman (my M-I-L) and the rest is a pain filled heart whenching  history.  

What changed the dynamic in my family life was the birth of my son. My son is a bright wonderful young man who has Asperger’s Syndrome.  I can’t honestly say what specifically changed in me by a Mum but I knew the winds of change where blowing in my heart. So basically the battle was on. Over the years M-I-L ruled not only her roost but mine and my husband’s as well. As I started to challenge her and basically want a life and home w/o her in charge the fights between us got worse. I was always told to be a lady, never be rude, and always, always be polite and kind as one can be!!! So the fights were not really equally pitted. And by fights, let’s just say the culmination was a very horrible confrontation where she ended it with “Bitch slapping” me so hard my ears rang. 

Husband just couldn’t believe his Mum had acted out like that (he expected her to apologise and hug me), and asked me to give her another chance. Father in Law said he understood M-I-L could “be difficult to live with sometimes”. In his opinion I was being a Bitch for agruing (actually standing up to) with M-I-L. So I was the one to blame for “making her loose control” like that. What a load of steaming shit, hey.  But I was told in childhood that “to forgive was divine” so the control and manipulation continued.  For five more years, of hell. I didn’t want to take my husband’s parents and my son’s grandpartents away from them.  But I suppose I realised that the cost was far to high to mantain what appeared to outsiders to a happy family – the price for the illusion being my self respect and mental stability.

So husband got a choice: cover my back in dealings relating to his parents or divorce. He choose the first option. Husband and son only rarely see them now, and I just – don’t.  I have forgiven my in laws but I will not have a realtionship with them. Trust should be earned, never given. Strangely enough, my husband became the prime target of M-I-L once I exited the picture. I guess she needed a scapegoat in her life. So husband & I have been to a good professional counsellor to work on our marriage. Today I have a happy home, strong marriage (28 years  and counting), loving husband & son and my self respect.   

I just wanted to let you my heart is with you both  in a very real way. Blessings!

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the typos. Pretty emotional stuff for me to share.

[Anonymous]

 

@moxierocks – just to be clear, I only shared w/ hubby my feelins of invisiblity caused by cheque / envelope not anything else or that I even posted it here.

@euresd – I am sorry that my post was a trigger for you. hugs.

[Anonymous]

@Kathy-D No worries whatsoever. I think it shows how far I’ve come to be able to share it, and how wonderful TLS is for all of us so we can share, heal and be strong. BIG HUGS right back at you. 

[starfielderParticipant]

So, this Christmas, from my in laws my husband got a $50 gift certificate from his parents. My kids each got gift certificates and a toy. I got a little ugly tea light candle holder. It is rocks glued together. I didn’t even bother to give it away. I threw it out.

Needless to say friends, I hear you. 21 years of marriage and I wonder how two people who are so thoughtless, selfish, and mean could raise such a good man who is a great partner. FYI, my Mother in law says, ” I can’t help it that I’m critical and judgmental. It’s how I was raised.”  As if this is the free pass…

 

 

[starfielderParticipant]

I guess I want to add that I have never been acknowledged by my in laws either. I won a State award as an excellent teacher and they said nothing. The list of these types of “slights” is long and I stopped counting a few years ago. My mother-in-law, when she was last here for dinner told me all the reasons my Dad was an idiot and had stupid politics. MY FATHER HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 11 YEARS. It’s weird and crazy making if I try to make sense of it.. so I just let it be what it is and invest in the people that actually matter to me.

I hear you all. Really. I do.

[AngParticipant]

Oh my god… that just made my blood boil; your MIL berating your Father who has been dead for 11 years.
When Lew’s step dad died, it listed his step brothers and their wives, and Lew, my name wasn’t in the obit.  Some in-laws are so useless.

[starfielderParticipant]

@Ang I try my best not to feed the anger…. but it is kinda sickening…. Sorry your name wasn’t in the obit. ((((Ang)))

[AngParticipant]

@Star For me, it would be really hard to hear someone berate my deceased Dad.  Okay about the obit.  That’s just how they were.  You just kinda got use to it.

[AngParticipant]

@Kathy  Interesting that we get so use to our ‘triggers’ and there we go, huh?

[Author]

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