My frustrating Sundays

[Sandy G.Participant]

I struggle with my Sunday mornings.  As I’ve mentioned, my husband has a family church time, and I sit in on it.  He knows it’s kind of grudging on my part, but I’m not sure he knows how frustrated I get.  He always sings praise & worship songs with the kids, which I don’t join in on, then tries to get a discussion going.  Often in recent months the talks have been more philosophical, but this morning he started by reading a story from the Bible.  

Then I ended up hearing these sorts of things out of his mouth:
-We need God to tell us who we are or we get lost.
-God is merciful but not mocked.
-Our need to repent if we are going to know God, and how some people don’t think they have to repent to know him.
-Our heart is up for grabs, and it’s scary, because anything can come along and take it away.
-Repentance keeps us from the darkness.
-Trusting our heart to God for protection is vital.

So many Sundays I end up physically trembling, keeping my mouth shut, wishing I could just walk out.  I’ve thought of simply telling them I’m going to do other things on Sundays now, but these are my kids.  At least if I’m here I know what they are hearing, and will speak up at times.  And we have had a traditional brunch together every Sunday for years.  I would be leaving them to do that without me.  

Then tonight (we also have a family prayer every night before the younger kids go to bed) we all sat down, and I find out that after I left the gathering this morning to start on brunch prep they (husband and oldest daughter primarily) decided to start reading a chapter of the Bible aloud every night.

I don’t even know where to start with my questioning and disagreement, there is just too much.  I don’t want to cause confusion for my kids, yet don’t want them instilled with the fear that I grew up with.  I really don’t know how to deal with all of this.  The heretic mom.

[starfielderParticipant]

Wow Sandy, this sound hard! Really hard!  You aren’t alone. Although I can see how you would feel alone in this situation. I cringe about similar things and am presently muddling though… and I wonder when it gets better…

[Sandy G.Participant]

Thank you @starfielder. It is good to have this place to vent at least. Feels a little less alone that way.

And yes, when will it get beter…and how could it ever. I can’t see any changes in my future. But thank you.

[Anonymous]

Sandy – My heart goes out to you!  I cannot imagine the depth of inner turmoil you are experiencing!!

For the last 5 months I have been involved with a team of Evangelical women who are doing a ministry weekend THIS WEEKEND for women who have a loved one in prison. Some parts of this ministry are really awesome (the outpouring of unconditional love in tangible ways for hurting women is amazing!), but it has been a real struggle being around so many WOG’s (“women of God”) who say, pray, and do the “typical Christian” stuff which I no longer believe or practice.  Straddling that fence and having to pretend in order to keep this commitment has honestly been like divorcing myself.

I had left the institutional church and I was just really beginning to grasp my freedom and enjoy life, when I literally had to put that all on hold. I had to distance myself from my true beliefs which has caused me all kinds of conflict and depression. These past 5 months I feel like I’m just been holding my breath and putting my life on hold until after this weekend when the retreat will be over.  But at least it will be over for me, and then I can go back to my real life.

I can’t even imagine how conflicted, angry and depressed you must feel having to hear and see religious garbage day in and day out right in your own home.  I am so sorry you are going through so much inner turmoil and pain with no end in sight! I am seriously worried for you and your emotional health.  I hope you can somehow find a way to take care of YOU in this situation.  You may need to physically remove yourself from Sunday mornings for your own emotional well-being. I know you don’t want to physically withdraw from your children on Sunday mornings, but if you stay and continue to suppress your feelings, they will eventually pick up on your frustration and hostility and may even think it’s somehow THEIR fault.  I think in the long run, staying for “family church” may do more damage than if you excuse yourself and go do something that allows you to be who you are, so that your own soul can be nurtured and restored. The best way to be a good mother is to take care of your children’s mother first.

[starfielderParticipant]

I’m with Jo on this one. Well said @Jo White!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Star!

[Sandy G.Participant]

Wow, @Jo White. Thank you. You are right. I learned young to numb out emotionally and gloss over what is difficult or painful. How quickly I forget that is never the right way to deal with things.

I will take your counsel seriously as I consider what to do.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you’re going to give it serious consideration Sandy. Being under that kind of emotional stress and distress will eventually take a toll on your physical health, and I can tell you from personal experience, that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is worth losing your physical health over. I’ve been there done that (ended up with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and it ain’t fun!

Even small compromises are better than doing nothing. Even though I’m still involved with the ministry weekend, I realized I could not handle having to sing Christian songs or hear the speakers give their talks, so I traded positions and now I will be working more behind the scenes. Just knowing I can avoid those serious triggers made a world of difference for me.

I wish I could give you a great big hug in person right now Sandy! Hang in there and please continue to let us know what’s going on with your situation and how you’re doing.

 

 

 

[JonParticipant]

Certainly understand how you feel, except in reverse: my wife started looking into spirituality without baggage (i.e. going to church, Evangelical beliefs) a number of years ago and her interest in my total, sold-out involvement in church was lukewarm (to be generous). While she came with me to church and didn’t mind our kids being involved in all sorts of church activities, her attitude was “I can take it or leave it, but I prefer to leave it.”

Surprisingly, I started reading a little more out of my comfort zone and, over the course of several years, started to deconstruct my own church experience and worldview.
Recently, I mentioned that I no longer believe that Jesus was God and we had the best conversation about spirituality and religion we’ve had for years as she not only agreed with me, but added her own insights from what she had been reading and hearing.

I would say that we are now fully on the same page, but I still find something in the community of my church that has, so far, kept me from breaking away completely. Many of my friends are progressives as well and the church (Baptist Union) has been moving away from dogmatism (though there are still those who are stuck in that time warp…)

By the way, our kids are now 18 and 20. The 18 year old has chosen to align himself with the church, with some exceptions such as believing in hell and rejecting the sexual theology of the dark ages, and the 20 year old is a confident SBNR adult who has recently moved out of home with her wonderful and loving non-religious boyfriend.

There is hope. Hang in there.

[Author]

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