Practical action – addressing harassment and abuse

[SylParticipant]

I’d like to pose some questions to anyone who’d care to share their own experiences, ideas, and thoughts concerning effective ways of addressing harassment, intimidation, and/or violence.

This is a topic which is not theoretical to many women, but is also not limited to the disappointingly still-a-problem-in-this-day-and-age issues of sexism and sexual harassment or assault.

It’s easy to suggest, in a generic way, that it requires social action, or that children need to be taught how to behave toward others, or that men who think behaving badly is OK need to learn better. The question is – how? Real-world, down to earth, here and now – how?

For those to whom this is an important issue, who want and need to experience real social change, or who have someone in their life for whom this does – or will – make a difference:

What can be done, long term?
What can be done in the short term?
What requires the effort of a group?
What can individual women do?
What can individual men do?

Empathy toward those who have to negotiate the waters of harassment and bullying is a first step; understanding the social factors that allow it to occur and flourish is another. But empathy and knowledge – as needed as they are – won’t get the job done by themselves. It’s one thing to say “I care, I understand”. It’s another to ask “what can I do – seriously?” or to say “I’ve done this, and it worked”, or “we can do this together…”

So… Any thoughts? Personal experience? Know of any social or political efforts which are underway?

On a personal note, sexual harassment is something I’ve fortunately not had to deal with very often. The incidents which stand out do so because they’ve been pretty rare. Fear of assault is not something I’ve had to contend with – but that is certainly not the case for some TLS friends who I care for, and it was not the case for my sisters during at least one point in both of their lives.

Bullying, on the other hand, is something I experienced daily as a child. The last few weeks of elementary school were completed from home – I loved learning, but was unable to face one more day of that school. I know all too well the fear, anger, shame, and distress that bullying and harassment create for a child. It took on a slightly different flavor in my teens, and yet another twist with my immersion into fundamentalist Christianity and then in a dysfunctional marriage. Anger, depression, anxiety – these should not be daily companions for anyone. That was a long time ago, but the behaviors and social norms which allowed what was, for too long, my daily reality, are all too “alive and well” today.

Given that this is TLS, I suspect that a lot of folks here understand, personally, the toll that intimidation, threats, and manipulation take. No one should have to live with abuse – whether verbal or physical – in their home, on the street, in the market, at work, at school, or in church.

What can we do, as advocates for ourselves and others, to defuse and derail harassment and abuse and empower ourselves and those we care for? Please feel free to share your thoughts, ideas, and any links you may have to useful and relevant organizations.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Thanks for starting this here Syl.

[AmyParticipant]

In the long term, I really think it’s a matter of changing society’s view of women as a whole. This isn’t to say “all women are saints; all men are turds.” Obviously that’s not true! But culturally, and especially in religious circles, there’s a view of women as lesser and women’s bodies as useful only for sex/procreation. (And there’s more layers if you add in women of color, women who aren’t straight, and trans women–or women who are all of those.) I don’t think we need to be seen as equal in every possible way to men. Physically, that’s not even possible (and that gets brought up alllll the time). But intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, etc., women are absolutely equal, and that should trump whether overall women are as physically muscular as men. (Again, obviously there are exceptions; I kinda wish I didn’t have to say that–I’m just making general statements here.) The only reasonable solution for long-term change might be in how we raise our children. Pointing out where things are not right, not balanced, not equal. Making sure they know that men and women are not different classes of citizens. It’s definitely time to stop teaching girls all the “rules” about how not to be raped or harassed and start teaching boys not to rape and harass–or make excuses for them when they do. It’s not productive to try to explain away treating women badly because plenty of men have “reasons” why they might treat women badly, yet somehow, they manage to be decent people.

In the short term, it would be fantastic if men stepped in with their buddies and said, “Hey, cut it out.” It would be great if in the moment, people didn’t point, laugh, agree, excuse, minimize, or dismiss. Just a simple request to stop from someone these guys respect would go a long way. Asking for help doesn’t make me helpless. It just means I wasn’t willing to play Russian roulette that day with whether or not I wanted to answer back or ignore (both of which could escalate the situation, and I’m not a mind reader to know which it will be).

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  Amy.

[RichardParticipant]

I’d like to participate in the conversation, but I feel like I’m walking through a mine field. I think the topic is important and I do have an interest in helping women navigate male culture, but I’m a little gun shy at this point since I don’t seem to understand the ground rules. So I’m going to lay low for the moment and let others hash this one out. Peace

[DanielleParticipant]

After the facebook discussion my boyfriend and I talked about hoe men could be involved in this. One of the most amazing things for me when I studied journalism is that a lot of the guys who studied with me would, in social situations, confront another guy – in a nice, not rude way – when he was being sexist. I thought that was kind of awesome. I think it would be equally awesome if, say, one of the guys on the building site were catcalling, the other guys would say, hey, what’s that all about? How would you feel if that was you, or if that was your daughter? I think that’s one practical way for men to get involved.

[DanielleParticipant]

I’m also a big believer in legislation to at least put a stop to behaviours (and attitudes might follow). In my job I’ve met a few people who are really good at lobbying for legisalation, so if that’s what you’re good at, this might be an option.
I remember when I lived in the UK reading that catcalling was illegal on building sites (not sure whether this is written into people’s contracts or whether the phenomenon is just illegal in the entire country). People in the US might be interested in this:

http://bitchmagazine.org/post/sometimes-street-harassment-isnt-just-annoying%E2%80%94its-illegal

Just to offer some hope – I grew up in a country where street harassment was ridiculously common (I stopped even looking up when someone hooted/tooted/honked their car horn at me – much to the annoyance of family members who were actually trying to get my attention. This was absolutely terrible for someone like me who loves to walk everywhere.
I now live in a country where feminist ideas took root a few decades earlier (due to much pushing from that side) and I can count on my one hand the number of times I’ve been harassed on the streets here. And one of those was from someone doing it in my home language, not thinking I’d understand – I did tell him off and he apologised profusely (one of the few times that worked).

[David HaywardKeymaster]

I fear I didn’t moderate the Facebook incident perfectly. I trust you guys. Our values haven’t changed and I completely trust you guys to respect them. You always have:

1. We promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person.
2. We treat each other with respect, compassion, equality and dignity.
3. We make no assumptions about others’ spirituality, beliefs or opinions.
4. We encourage others in their free and responsible search for truth and meaning.
5. We listen before we speak.
6. We assume that all viewpoints expressed end with the phrase “in my experience”.

[AlineParticipant]

I agree with Amy. Education (the youth) is also a good start to focus our energy on, because unlike what someone said in the FB-tread, teaching on this matter is BARELY done in this world. I don’t know any boy/guy in my middleclass-world who is acquainted with feminism (other than hurtful stereotypes), ‘male privilege’, etc. I have been thinking of giving my school the suggestion to start educating on this. I’m becoming more interested in really putting my words into action as we speak

I have been thinking about your contributions on the matter as well Richard. I’m trying to understand what this empowerment that you speak of looks like. If it’s a healthy kind of power. If it doesn’t take rationalizing everything. But I still don’t know what it looks like, so I don’t know if it’s a good short-term-solution as well. If you’d like to respond on my concerns I’d be interested.

[RichardParticipant]

It is with some caution that I am going to post. Since Aline asked I will respond. I would like to put some disclaimers up first in the interest of clarity.

I love women in general.
I love one woman intimately.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but I do know what it’s like to be a human being.
I don’t approve of violence toward women. It is a problem.
I work toward making the world a safer place for not only women, but everyone.
I am rigorously committed to what is true no matter what. I have found that any compromise with this principle creates suffering.
My basic principle of truth is reason informed by empathy and love.

[RichardParticipant]

Aline,

I think I need to unpack your post a little before I present what I know.

Part of the misunderstanding, I believe, was the impression that I was rationalizing the harmful behavior of men.
As I understand it, rationalization is the removal of responsibility because it is shown, through reason, the person couldn’t help it.

I believe everyone is responsible for their actions whether or not they could help it. We live in a cause and effect world. Immaturity is not an excuse. It might explain the behavior, but it is not an excuse and it doesn’t remove responsibility. So sometimes with immature men you simply have to tell them to knock it off. It changes their behavior, but it doesn’t help them grow up and it doesn’t guarantee their immaturity won’t simply repeat the behavior. The fact is this isn’t going to change anytime soon, if ever. Do we give up? No. We continue to educate and hold people accountable as best we can. In terms of physical violence we draw a much harder line.

All of these are issues which are dealing with externals. True power comes from within. This is not only true for women, but it is true for men. Practical navigation of life requires the understanding of others around you. This is achieved by using the best reasoning skills you have, informed by empathy for others.

I like this quote from “Enders Game” by Orson Scott Card

“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them…. I destroy them.”

I’m not advocating we destroy our enemies, but we can certainly learn to navigate this life in more intelligent and meaningful ways through understanding those who threaten us.

[AlineParticipant]

Hi Richard, thanks for responding. Your view becomes clearer and clearer to me. And I quite liked some of the things you wrote. I’ll still have to muse over some stuff, but I think it will becomer clearer one step at a time. I think my lack of understanding has everything to do with that I have absolutely no clue how to ‘work’ people who do bad stuff so that they’ll show the behavior I want them to, I don’t (yet) have that power. (except subconsciously I know things of course).

[RichardParticipant]

Hi Aline,

The nice thing about engaging with what is true is you don’t have to work people. If something is true, reality communicates that message for you.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

I like that Richard.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

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