Responding to "concerned" family emails?

[Deanna OgleParticipant]

I’ve received two emails this week from my grandmothers on either side. One was a CrossWalk email debunking the “Jesus was married” hullabaloo. The other was an email forward about politics. (I think they might be trying to stage an intervention, hah.)

What would you guys do? I politely responded to the married Jesus email clarifying my position, and saying how I think it’s an important thing to question one and a while. It was one two paragraphs max, even though I wanted to rage-write more.

I haven’t responded to the political one.

My sister told me just to not respond but … Last year when my Mom confronted me in an email about my beliefs about same-sex marriage and relationships, I sent her back a long email detailing my thoughts, the reason for them, and the experiences that led me to them. I wasn’t dogmatic, and I wasn’t 100% sure. I just explained where I was.

She never responded, never spoke of it again, and it frustrates the hell out of me.

So after ranting a friend, I determined not to be the kind of person to ignore emails like those. IMO, there’s a way to respond to them politely without being all, “YOU HORRIBLE HOMOPHOBE RACIST FUNDIE PERSON HOW DARE YOU EMAIL ME”.

Both my sister and husband thinks it’s utterly futile.

How have you guys handled this before? Is there a polite way to handle this so that you don’t end up sweeping the email under the proverbial rug because you disagree? Is it all pointless?

I think my problem is I have this natural, strong desire to talk about theology, philosophy, and faith with people, and it makes everyone damn near flighty.

• This topic was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Deanna Ogle.
• This topic was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[AngParticipant]

I don’t have an answer for you.  I nearly exploded when my sister-in-law told my 96 year old aunt that she still had time to change from methodist to baptist so she could go to heaven.  So I, along with you, need answers to this.  I only have a hand full of blood relatives so I don’t need to alienate them.  smile  And I surely don’t believe like they do.

[Anonymous]

I had a very unexpected, awkward conversation today with my 29 yr. old son. A brief bit of history.   I was an Evangelical Christian and went to church for 50+ years. Now I have left the church, but I raised my son in church and he and his wife and both sides of the family are all Evangelical church-goers.

I am CLUELESS when it comes to technology, and I’ve been using my daughter-in-law’s i-pad (see, I don’t even know how to spell it!),to check my e-mail, read the various forum posts, etc. when I’m at their house babysitting. I didn’t know that I had to individually close every file I open, (I thought once I turned it off everything disappeared), so of course all those files were still open when my son used the Ipad last night.

He saw my name on one of the forums so he proceeded to read some of the posts. I’m sure that was the last thing he expected to run across – especially since I had not said ANYTHING about this new spiritual journey I am now on, except that I wasn’t going to church anymore.

I was totally unprepared to have this conversation with ANY of my family yet, since I don’t even know what I believe or don’t believe anymore. But since I had been “outted,” I had no choice but to discuss it.

I think he was more worried about what this could mean for our relationship than what “beliefs” I do or don’t embrace. And I basically said I am re-evaluating a lot of things right now, but that does not change my love for him, his wife, or my grandson, and that I hoped it wouldn’t change their love or the relationship they have with me.

We both agreed we could have different spiritual beliefs and just agree to disagree, and that we would avoid discussing, arguing, or defending our beliefs. We hugged and then I left.

Driving home I felt a deep gut-wrenching sadness and overwhelming fear – like we had crossed some sort of line that could never be uncrossed. And even though we agreed having different beliefs didn’t have to affect our relationship, deep down I fear that it will. I cried all the way home and was an emotional wreck for hours.

I was so NOT ready to have that discussion, and that certainly isn’t the way I wanted it to happen. And even though it is my own fault that he had access to the forums and read some of my responses, I feel my privacy has been invaded – as if I’d left my personal diary open for the whole world to read! But just because it’s lying there open, doesn’t mean somebody else HAS to read it!

But since he did read it, he felt he should tell me he had read it, and I do appreciate his honesty. I know it wasn’t a conversation he really wanted to have with me either! It kind of felt like we had reversed roles and now he was the parent and I was the child. If that makes any sense???

Anyway, thank you for listening and caring! I really appreciate you guys!!

 

[Anonymous]

Jo, I fear having that conversation someday with my kids.  Even though I feel good about leaving, the other 3 people in my household want to go back.  And even if I go with them to a church service, I doubt I will ever become a member again–probably not even of a liberal church (there are problems there, too).  But hubby & kids are still planning to have church as a big part of their lives.  So there could come a time when I’m faced with having to explain it to my own adult children.

Though to be fair, my son said he only cares that we go to a church with a playground.  So maybe I don’t need to worry too much.

[starfielderParticipant]

Wow Jo! That is a bummer! I’m so sorry you were outed!

Deanna, I find that debating doesn’t work. I simply tell them I’m not debating theology. I won’t do it. No one wins. It sounds like they are concerned. I tend to say things like, “I hear that you’re concerned. Thank you. ” But I don’t budge on discussing it. I won’t do it. I discuss my beliefs with the people who are open to the conversation. I find  that most of our relatives/friends are worried about us and like in 12 step programs, when you start owning your story it upsets the balance. As we change no one else can remain the same. It’s the way it goes. I draw the line when/if they get ugly. I tell them I won’t be spoken to that way, or I don’t like their tone. I say it simply. I also tell people that I’m not willing to talk about it with them.

[starfielderParticipant]

And another thing, something that stumps them is when I say, “my sister is gay.  I love my sister and I support her. She can hear for herself what is life giving. She can hear for herself what god says to her.”  Usually that silences them.

[Anonymous]

Amy, that is definitely a challenge with kids and a husband that want to go to church when you don’t. I guess it will just have to be an ongoing balancing act – doing what you need to do for you, and yet allowing them to do what they want/need to do.  Sounds like you have a few years to figure it out, so try not to stress over it.

[katiepearlParticipant]

I’d love to have spiritual conversations with my family.  Most of them don’t contact me at all; out of apathy rather than enmity so far as I can see.  My father has ignored me for most of my life.  The sister who is in contact most would rather make assumptions about me than actually ask what I think.

Concern about my spiritual wellbeing from any of them would be a pleasant surprise.

[AngParticipant]

Jo, I can’t imagine how that hit you with it being so unexpected.  I am not looking forward to the conversation with my brother and nephew and their wives.  The only thing you can do is go forward and see how it feels.  I really hope it doesn’t change your relationship.  That would be really really sad…

Please let us know how it goes when you are with him again.  Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Ang. I think things are going to be OK. I’ll keep you posted.

[Ruth AnneParticipant]

Oh dear… poor you Jo! I agree that he shouldn’t have read it at all…. boundaries… but you handled it more like a good parent does. Sorry that had to happen to you!

To add to the general discussion…. I talk to no one about nothing…. I’m pretty isolated at this point of my life thanks to moving every few years…. it gives me the great option of being very private and I kind of like it that way. This site is the only place I share any of my thoughts or doubts or anger. I’m becoming more and more a believer in the “no one has the right to comment on any one else’s life unless they are invited to do so” attitude.

I know that my dear grandma and grandpa would have had a fit if they saw the way my life is… and my 77 year old dad wouldn’t handle it well either. He only lives 3 miles away so I spare him of as many details as possible for his own sake. His WHOLE life has been and is the church and it’s fine. He’s a honey… love him to bits and wouldn’t want to cause him any undue pain by needing to express my opinions… especially because they are liable to change tomorrow…

[Anonymous]

Thanks Ruth Anne. I’m OK with it now. It had to come out sooner or later anyhow, so at least it’s out there now.

[Author]

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