This topic contains 20 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by 
Tracey 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
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Do you think that we tend to have a romanticized version of the past as part of our narrative about normal human sexuality? Thing is, I have 2 teenagers. We’ve always taught purity and abstinence, as God’s best plan. We were both non-christians growing up and had come into the marriage with a “history”. It took some time for that deep, deep level of trust to develop – and so we figured it would have been better to not have had any of those experiences prior to marriage. So, 18 yrs later – we have a great marriage and 2 teens, with 2 more that will be teens in 2-4 years. One of our biggest fears was that our oldest would have sex. Well, he has. So, guess what? The world kept on going just as before. We’re pretty open as a family and talk about things pretty straight on – we’ve had the talk, we’ve talked about contraception, and safe sex and all of it. We also talked about responsibility that goes along with it. So the experience has got me thinking about normal human sexuality and its expression.
See, there’s this notion in christian circles that the world is going to hell in a hand basket. But is it really? I mean, teenagers were full of hormones and acting on them 25 years ago when I was in high school. And I was born less than 9 months after my parents graduated from high school. So, obviously teens were sexually active back in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Maybe all this stuff is quite normal, really, and we could all settle down and have cooler heads about things. Especially not SHAMING kids for going through natural developmental stages. What do you think? Do we romanticize the past?
Yes, having teens changed us. You sound like good parents.
Have we romanticised the past? Yes, without a doubt. In the UK, at least, we have a desperately romanticised view of Victorian life, that many want to return to, ignoring the fact that for most people, life was crap then. We have a perception, as you say, that some point in the past, everyone was sexually virtuous.
The truth is that a) couples were often a lot more chaste before contraception, although not entirely – the risks were much greater, but many took them anyway. The high level of young pregnancies, and of abortions, were testament to this. Also b) that for many, they were sexually active, and found ways of dealing with the consequences. I think, if you were to travel back in time and DNA test your ancestors, there would be some surprises. Whoever you are.
I am currently having some of this with my youngest. I can accept that he might be having sex (he is at uni), and I just hope that he could talk to me rather than hiding or lying. Sex is part of life.
The church, IMO, has done everyone a huge disservice by ignoring, demonising, and dismissing sex. Lets be clear, people fuck, and if we have a problem with that, we have a problem with people. Such a lot of the church does seem to have a problem with people. That is one thing I want to leave behind.
@ David – thanks…we’re trying. And I can relate.
@ Steve – “let’s be clear…” I couldn’t agree more!
Exactly….back in the good ole’ days people got married quickly if the girl was pregnant and probably even fudged dates to make things “look good.”
AnonymousMy thoughts exactly!
another era we romanticize is the 50s. What woman in her right mind would want to go back to that abuse?!?!
Progress requires that we learn from the past, not return to the past.
I like that.
i think it’s a double-sided strip. there’s the romanticizing, but there’s also the fear of the past. there’s a distinct culture shift that follows certain decades here in the states that can be traced as reaction from one thing to another. there’s the intent and hope of raising children who will do better/won’t make the same mistakes. the temptation will almost always be there to try to protect from our ‘mistakes’ by legislating our kids’ lives.
of course i’m saying this to parents of teenagers and i’ve got small ones. this makes me think a lot about the continuing conversations we will have about bodies and respect, belief and doubt, hope and faith. they will (i hope) grow as our kids do. and i hope i don’t romanticize or vilify the past unnecessarily.
@shadow…yes, I agree. I hope to also neither romanticize nor villainize the past. That is a good way to put it, I think.
Our kids certainly don’t fit a mold. But they are amazing people as a result.
As the parent of 2 teenagers (and one more not too far off) I’m really liking this thread. Thanks!
@starfielder – glad you can relate, I think?! hehe.
@Rob Lentz, we told our kids similar things about purity and abstinence. And then, well, life happened and we changed our minds. We told our kids that if they were going to be sexually active we hoped they would talk with us about it. We also told them that NOTHING shocks us because we have heard it all. (if you ever meet our kids don’t tell them we were fibbing about nothing shocking us.) It’s been interesting the amount of judgement we got from other ‘christian’ parents. I guess most people would like to put a “purity ring” on their kid’s finger and be done with it all. Not us, we just keep on talking with each other and our kids…
@starfielder My parents went the purity ring way. I did not have a single discussion about my sexuality with my mom. All I knew was that it was bad. I’m 23 and I now haven’t “saved” myself. I do not feel like I’ve lost something or “stolen” something from my future husband (who in all likelihood will be my boyfriend of 3 years). The only guilt I ever feel is that God is mad at me or that he could condemn me. I really don’t want God to be so petty. We are very responsible and I know the consequences. But I still feel shame or fear sometimes…not for being “impure” but because I’m worried how God will judge me, even though I don’t really know if I think he cares.
P.S. If your virginity is the most precious gift you can give to your spouse, then you should SERIOUSLY rethink your relationship.
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