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Hello everyone!
I have been quietly sneaking around here since last Friday night. I’ve been reading your stories late into the night until I couldn’t keep my eyes open and even listened to the latest putlock during my lunch break. What I’m trying to say – this place is so incredible and you people are so beautiful! I am fascinated by all the stories, honesty, authenticity, vulnerability, courage… Thanks everyone for sharing!
Now I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Dārta, I am 25 and I live in Latvia (English is not my first language therefore I apologize for any mistakes). And here is my story (not the longest version, but still long).
Beginning
I was NOT brought up in a religious family, but long story short, when I was 6 my mom took me to a Sunday school in a Baptist church, but she didn’t go there herself. She’s been interested in Eastern philosophy for as long as I can remember. I kept going to Sunday school and later youth evenings for about 10 years. I have only fond memories of my time there. I always felt loved and accepted there and believed what I was taught and was sincere in my faith. However during my last years there most of my friends had already left the church programs and I found myself in a youth group where everyone else was really good friends with each other and I was a bit of an outsider. At that time I longed to have good christian friends, to get more involved in some kind of ministry and to get baptized, but wasn’t sure if this was the church for me.
Best and worst years of my life
Another longer story short, I went to a christian camp, met some cool kids, joined their church and have been there ever since. I got my awesome christian friends and we did all the things that all the awesome christian teenagers did like hitchhiking to get to see our favorite christian bands, going to true love waits conferences, being leaders at christian camps, etc. I also got involved in worship band and leading youth evenings soon after I started attending this church and eventually also got baptized (which is another pretty awesome story for another time). In a way the first few years at this church were the best years of my life – I experienced and learned a lot. But somehow at the same time I gradually began feeling more and more guilt and shame. I was convinced that I should be approaching strangers on the street and telling them about God, praying for their healing. I’m an introvert and have always been very shy, I just couldn’t do it. Every time I thought i missed an opportunity to evangelize, I felt as if I had disappointed God, as if I didn’t love Him enough. I felt worse and worse about myself. My self-esteem has always been below average, but during this time I just couldn’t stand myself, there were days when I felt like garbage. When I thought of my heart, I could only imagine it as a disgusting, rotten, wormy apple core. I was miserable. During these years I did experience a few incredible „God moments” but I always saw it as God giving me another chance, but after a little while I became convinced that His patience with me must have run out and was back into my misery.
The period of questions
A few years later I started having questions. How could passages like John 17 end up in the Bible if nobody else was there to witness Jesus’ prayer? It is no secret that human memory is flawed and if the first gospel was written about 30 years after the actual events how can we be sure that the things happened exactly the way they are described and that Jesus said the exact words that are in the gospels? Would God really send my non-christian friends to hell even though some of them are much kinder and more loving than I am? How come my mom who is into Eastern philosophy is much happier and more content with life than I? Is she really the one who needs a savior? Ok, I can get Jesus being raised from the dead. But ascending to heaven? That’s just too much sci-fi for me. And I had many more questions about the Bible and the church, and tithing and… I was embarrassed for having these questions. I didn’t go to my pastor, because I didn’t want to disappoint her. I didn’t go to my friends, because I didn’t want to harm their faith.
The low
It was 2010. I had stopped reading the Bible, realized I couldn’t believe in hell (and thought God would for sure send me there for that), and understood that I didn’t love or trust god. I was depressed, cynical and honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had truly laughed. In November Franklin Graham was coming to Latvia for a 3 day festival. Pretty much every church in the country prepared for this event in one way or another. But it only made me question the gospel message even more – I couldn’t believe people actually bought the story about Adam and Eve and the fall and how a loving(?) god killed his own son so that he could bear our presence. You have to love and serve this god or you’re going to hell. Well at least that’s what I heard… I felt hopeless. I’ve never wanted to commit a suicide, but during this time I went to bed thinking – maybe if I eat unhealthy enough I will have a heart attack when I’m 50 and then I don’t have to go through this horrible life for too long.
The high
Two weeks after the festival our former youth pastors (a foreign couple) came to visit. Since they left us they had spent 2 years in a “seminary”, and for a year had been trying to start a church plant. They are very dear friends to all of us who were a part of this youth group. During their visit we spent several nights in their hotel lounge talking for hours and hours and hours about God, theology, the gospel, grace, sexuality, Bible, heaven and hell etc. To keep it short – they had gone through the same questions I had (and as it turns out, same questions most of my friends had) and their theology had changed noticeably (as far as I know mostly influenced by Rob Bell and Brian McLaren). I learned that there are actually other people who don’t believe in hell, but still call themselves christians, I heard so much about love and grace. It is hard to mention everything that we talked about, but I know that by the end of their last night in Latvia, I was a different person. I actually felt as if I was raised from the dead. I knew less about God than I had ever known, but loved Him more than I had ever loved. I have never quite understood what people mean when they say, they “heard from God” or “God told them”. I don’t think I have ever been sure that I’ve heard from God. But a few days after our friends left, I experienced what actually seemed like God putting a thought in my head. And the thought was “God doesn’t want you to be afraid of him”. I made a decision to accept it as truth. And oh my… how my life changed. The next day a friend said something really, really silly and I started laughing until I cried and then I laughed some more just because I could and it just had been too long… I was smiling a lot (which is very unusual for Latvians in general and especially me), I became braver, judged less, loved more, became more aware of life and realized how beautiful it was. And that’s only a few things. I wish this was the happy ending of my story, but it isn’t…
A punch in the stomach
I got to enjoy my new life for a bit less than two months. At that time we had another youth leader who also was on his own spiritual journey, but he was in a totally different place. He had studied the Bible A LOT, he had read A LOT, and he knew A LOT and apparently experienced a lot of supernatural stuff and hung out with other people who did the same. I still was someone who didn’t understand much, didn’t read my Bible often. His teachings usually left me feeling scared and depressed. After finding joy and life, I decided I didn’t have to go to the youth meetings if it didn’t give me life (smart girl, huh?). So I stopped. But 2 months later I went again. Just for one night. Since our youth leader had studied so much, I naturally could not ignore what he said. And this time he told what he called a “testimony”. What this testimony said about god (apparently he punishes people or takes away a blessing if we do something that he has not told us to do) wasn’t what I had been experiencing, but how could I trust myself when I knew nothing and he knew so much? That night I lost everything I had gained over the past two months. All of this caused me the greatest pain I had ever felt in my life. I know that other people have gone through much, much worse stuff and pain, but it was so real, so deep and hurt so bad… It seemed as if god had given me the best gift I could ever have and then just pulled it out of my hands saying “nah, actually you can’t have this, life can’t be this beautiful”. I haven’t been able to fully recover from this blow and the scars it left, which means I haven’t been able to truly trust God.
Doubt
Anyway, 6 months later I started working for the organization that my church belongs to. On my first week of work I was helping with some stuff at our church camp. On the last day of camp as I was waking up, I had this moment where I realized I just know that I don’t believe in god. What a great timing, huh? It was the scariest thought that has ever crossed my mind. I naively hoped I would forget this thought, but of course you can’t just un-think something like that. I tried to hold on to my faith with all the strength that I had. I have thought a lot about faith and what I believe and I’ve come to a conclusion that faith for me is not a choice, it just happens to me. I don’t want to call myself an atheist; I like to call myself a doubter. Although there are moments when I don’t believe in god, most of the time I still think there is something greater than us, there is more than what meets the eye, something we can’t explain nor put in a box.
Today
Currently I still work for this organization (and I do like my job a lot). I still attend church (I don’t like being there on Sundays, but quite enjoy our small group meetings). This is my last month being involved in youth ministry and I’ve reduced my involvement in worship band. I don’t read Bible or pray much. I still hope to experience the fullness of life some day, but I’m still sore from my loss. I leave it up to God to come and show up, because deep down I’m hoping and waiting. I feel as if I needed a break in my spiritual journey, but now I’ve kind of been stuck there for too long. I want to move forward and was hoping I could find some help here.
AnonymousWelcome Darta! Thanks for joining us and sharing your story. So many twists and turns can sure be confusing and downright scary!
Hopefully, you already know you will be heard, accepted, and loved for who you are and wherever you’re at here in this community. I can tell you that letting go of Christianity and the church has been very hard for a LOT of us here. We all handle things differently and we have come to various conclusions about God and what we do or don’t believe. All I can say is that this spiritual journey we are all on, is an on-going process and unique to each person. So while none of us can tell you what you should or shouldn’t believe – nor would we want to – there are a couple of things basic to all of our paths which may be helpful.
The biggest thing for me was to finally believe that it is not only okay, but it is crucial, to trust your own heart, mind, thoughts, and spiritual/gut instincts. And to realize that what I believe today may not be what I believe tomorrow and that is OK! Healthy spirituality is a constantly evolving spirituality. Weigh things you read and hear in this community and trust and pursue those things that resonate with you and ignore those that don’t. That’s really the best advice I can give you.
I wish you lots of peace and joy as your journey continues to unfold – especially in those confusing moments when it seems impossible to know which end is up! Spirituality won’t always be this confusing or this uncomfortable – so hang in there Darta. It is perfectly okay to question everything – nothing is off limits, and if there is a God, I am confident He/She doesn’t mind in the least!
Hi @Darta. I was very moved by your story. Emotional. I think because I identified with it so much. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s never too long. Also: your English is excellent.
Thank you both!
I didn’t come here to find answers, just maybe a little something that would help me to get up from the side of the road and start walking again. I think both reading others’ stories and sharing mine has been quite therapeutic. And maybe that’s enough for today.
@Darta , welcome. I too am a doubter working my way through the ups and downs of the journey. I am finding it harder to accept the claims of christianity. I am taking my time, hopefully things will get clearer, the clouds will part and a new kind of peace and stability will be experienced. Thanks for sharing you story.
@Darta, I love the way you said that you would like help to get you up from the side of the road and start walking again. For some of us life is like a winding road with ditches on both sides. When we fall in and later get ourselves out, we are better able to help others who fall in later. I’ve been asking awkward questions for more than 40 years. I don’t have many answers, but I now have a faith that I don’t have to defend – because I know I don’t have to have all the answers. Welcome to a space where you are free to express your own thoughts and ask questions.
Wow Darta! I appreciate your story so much! Your english is excellent! Thank you for sharing it here. Like you, I still go to church… but I used to help lead worship and now can’t even barely stomach the worship songs. I used to pastor small group leaders and now I barely make it to church… I had such a “sure” faith at one time as well.. and then the journey changed and shifted and eventually, like you, I found myself here.
Keep us posted on how it’s going and how you’re doing!
Welcome!
Oh by the way @darta… you’re a good writer. your personality shines through your writing.
Thank you guys for such a warm welcome!
And @starfielder , I can so relate to what you’re saying about worship songs! Worship songs used to make me feel not good enough, especially the ones with lines like “you are my everything”, “i give you all”, “you will never let me go”. Ugh, I’m just glad I don’t have to sing.
@admin oh, wow, I would have never thought that. Thanks! (Being a writer was one of my many childhood dreams)
AnonymousWelcome @Darta! Glad to have you along for this adventure.
Anonymous@Darta, Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your journey. It really touched my heart. I come from a Southern Baptist background, and really resonated with much of what you wrote. Truthfully, I am still sorting through so much of the scaring of my heart from that religious indoctrination. On my good days I can see I have travelled down the road a bit, and on others I feel I am laying flat out on the side of the road, sad, despondent and wonder if I have made any progress at all. One encouragement that you will find Darta, is many people in TLS have had very similar experiences of religion. That certainly helps me when I am having a rough day.
Please do keep us posted on how life is treating you, and again welcome.
Great story. I definitely had times where I had the guilt of the introvert for just not speaking out. Also the small groups part. There’s lots I like about the church, just not the Sunday morning gatherings. I much prefer small groups of people hanging out rather than going to a show. Looking forward to interacting with you more.
Thank you Jimmy, Donna and Scott! Yes, a “show” – that’s exactly how I feel about Sunday meetings.
Hi Darta. Welcome.
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