Thoughts and fears…

[SaraJParticipant]

I have so many fears.  Fears of disappointing my family (mainly my senior parents) if I express my ‘questionings’ or new found ‘unbelief’.  It would worry them…I think.  I don’t want to worry them.

I’m afraid that I am going to mess up my kids (if I haven’t already).  First I teach them about Jesus and read them the bible, take them to Sunday school and now I don’t.  I so want them to have a solid foundation.

I’m afraid I’m going to die and never find peace.  True contentment and peace.  That I will remain searching and will always carry a huge void inside of me.

I’m afraid that I look like a hypocrite.  And that all of the people in my past that I’ve ‘influenced’ (religiously) will be messed up and never forgive me.

I’m afraid of days like today when its dark and rainy and overcast and depression tries to push in…that I won’t be able to fight it.

I’m afraid of the loneliness I now feel.

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Hi SaraJ… that’s a lot of fears. I hear you though. I want to encourage you though that as you find sureness in your own footing, these fears will vanish. When you come to love yourself, completely as you are, the one fear that sprouts these many fears will go.

You are very brave to share this with us. It shows you are on the road to love.

[moxierocksParticipant]

I echo all of that SaraJ. I am dealing with the same fears.

(((HUGS))) to you.

love,

moxie

[SaraJParticipant]

Thank you David.  Thank you  Moxie.

And it IS true…I have never loved myself.  I’m not sure I know how…yet.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

well you sure are lovable! what’s stopping you?

[Anonymous]

Sara – Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. I still fear what will likely happen if my family and former church friends find out how many of my old beliefs about God, church and Christianity I have totally abandoned. That IS scary!
But for the first time in my life, I’m finding out that I can trust my own spiritual gut instincts rather than let others tell me what I should believe and how I should live my life. I must be true to myself which means and I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back to dysfunctional/crazy churchianity and toxic theology! This new-found freedom is much too precious to let anything or anyone destroy it. I cannot encourage you enough to continue to trust your own heart, mind, and spiritual instincts. You will be glad you did – because living a free, authentic life is worth all the despair and fear you are currently going through!
As far as your children and their spiritual upbringing are concerned, just be honest with them about where you are at. In admitting you are re-evaluating a lot of your former Christian beliefs, you model for them how important it is for them to learn to think for themselves. That is a HUGE gift in itself, because it will protect them from falling into any kind of religious cult in the future.
I just read Emily’s forum titled: “What I Wrote on the Day I Started my Spiritual Journey” and it was awesome.  IF you haven’t read it, check it out. I think you would relate to a lot of what she said.
Hang in there Sara – you won’t always feel as lost and lonely as you do right now. This is just part of the process. You will come out of this struggle a much stronger, happier person with a healthier and more meaningful spirituality. I promise!

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, can I relate to all your fears.  I would run back to safety, but I can’t.  Guess I have to keep going forward.  I mentioned to my atheist brother that I am not as happy since leaving my very secure beliefs.  I miss them and I can’t seem to replace them with anything.  He chuckled and said he used to think that way about alcohol after he stopped drinking, but now that he has replaced his drinking with other things he doesn’t ever miss it.  I wonder if I will ever get there.

[SaraJParticipant]

Thank you David, Jo and JEB64.

You pose a good question David…I’m not sure what is stopping me!  And I’m not sure I ever thought of myself as ‘loveable’.  Maybe that is part of the problem.  I’ve always kind of loathed myself, my shortcomings and have carried such a sense of shame even as a child.

Man, this stuff is deep and scary…but I know very necessary.

I so want to be whole.

[Anonymous]

I’m afraid of days like today when its dark and rainy and overcast and depression tries to push in…that I won’t be able to fight it.

Yesterday I had a day like that. There are days when I’m afraid I’m losing my mind in the most literal sense.

 

I just share that – you are not alone in this. Though I understand the loneliness. It’s one thing to “know” we’re not alone; it’s another to know we’re not alone.

[SaraJParticipant]

Thank you veriluxgirl.

[pamwernerParticipant]

SaraJ,

 

i also felt like you do, sometimes still do.but what has changed for me is I know longer believe in original sin and total depravity. I have come to the point that I accept that I am 100%  human and there is NOTHING wrong with that! if god is loving, why would he set us up for self loathing by setting up a system in which we Feel shame and basically suck? I refuse to teach my children this about themselves. But we have been conditioned to doubt ourselves, our motives, and to distrust our feelings and only trust what someone in authority tells us. I think this is a disservice at best and abusive at worst. It is the same things abusers do to children in order to condition them.

i suppose this means that I no longer need the gospel? If I don’t suck then what do I need to be saved from?

As someone with three kids who have gone on this journey with me over last year, I will tell you this. I am closer to my teenager and I have been able to empower her because I no longer buy the crap about women most churches are selling. We have had more conversations about god since leaving than we ever did in church. My 6 year old asks a occasional questions and I feel free to say I don’t know, or tell him 2 or 3 different takes on something (like creation for example), and then say “this is what I think” and then ask “what do you think?” I feel that I am giving hem the freedom to question and have ideas at a young age and begin their own journey now. My 3 year old misses church because he like the toys/playground.  So we go to Disneyland. It gets better and your kids will appreciathonestly. I tell my son we don’t have to go to church to know god and that sometimes all the rules just get in the way. TRUST YOURSELF!

[Anonymous]

LOVED what you shared Pam! That is awesome that you refuse to teach your children to think badly about themselves.  I totally agree with you about original sin and total depravity. (Besides, IF we were created in God’s image, then we are basically good anyway.) Yet the church insists on focusing on people’s “sins” and shaming them for their failings. What a sick way for the church to ensure retaining repeat customers and keep raking in people’s money.  You’re absolutely right – indoctrinating people to believe they should NEVER, EVER THINK FOR THEMSELVES is just as sick, sinister, and calculating as a pedophile “grooming” a child to set them up for abuse.

 

[Author]

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