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It’s a phrase I’ve heard (and spoken) to children who are falling apart in tears over something, or throwing a tantrum.
“Use your words!”
“I can’t understand you if you don’t talk to me. You have to use your words!”
Those here who know me at all know that I have no problem talking..but, the local people (mainly family) in my life stopped listening long ago. In fact they pretty much told me to shut the fuck up. Not so much with their words..but, with their actions. (okay, and their words, too..) I haven’t got any more local friends since I stopped going to church. I haven’t got the means and freedom to find another flesh and blood group of friends. I’m really, really lonely…I have been trying to find a succinct way to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I used to write a lot…but the past few years I have been so deeply depressed much of the time. It’s really hard to write when you’re truly depressed. Right now, I am hurting in my heart so much. I just want to scream and cry like a toddler. I’m hurting so, so much…and when I looked up some of my old writings from years past, it shocked me a little to see that I feel much like I did back then. Only, somehow, even more intensely. The following is something I wrote about my mother, as if I was writing it to her…recently she did something that re-opened my wound. It’s an example of how I can use my words more cleanly to say what I’m thinking and feeling.
“Idea”
The pain runs deep
And has left a gaping hole
where you should have been.
All can see through me now.
Once I believed that you really loved me,
and I felt I could soar.
But I grew up
and the truth became clear.
You simply loved the idea of me,
I wasn’t what you had dreamed of.
All you see in me are the aspects
That are not like you.
I feel that you hold myself against me,
And you made me hate my name.
But no more!
I can’t change what is.
And I can’t tell you how I feel!
I wish with all my being
that we could share this life.
But I must move on,
Before life passes me by
while I am trying to win you in vain.
I will cry every day,
and remorse since I loved the idea of you.by Jessi Blue
If ONLY I could move on from her and all the ones who keep hurting me…I just feel so, so weak.
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This topic was modified 2 years ago by
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
David Hayward.
i LOVE the way you use words Mox.
AnonymousI am inspired by your strength, Mox. I am totally familiar with the idea of being rejected or abused by one’s we need to love us. Well, one’s we have been programed to believe we need. I am sad to hear you don’t have a more nurturing place to go, in your situation. Everybody needs to feel loved and appreciated, it’s really important for our physical and emotional health. Do you have any ways to reconnect with local society, like through volunteering or some kind of activity you enjoy? Sometimes I have found a kind of encouragement through those sorts of things. I live in a very notoriously xenophobic place called the PNW, but even here they do appreciate their volunteers. I don’t know if you have that opportunity but I am hoping you do. I re-read what you wrote about not having the means or freedom. What does it mean that you don’t have the freedom? I am so glad you found this group. I want to encourage you to always seek your freedom. I am hoping to hear more from you about this aspect of your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sister.
Please keep writing
“But I grew up
and the truth became clear.
You simply loved the idea of me,”Wow.
“But I must move on.”
Yes!
AnonymousMoxie – I don’t even know what to say. I am so sorry you feel so depressed and so alone. That is such an awful place to be in. I was there for many, many years so I know how much it sucks!
Are you on any anti-depressant meds? If not, you should talk to your doctor about prescribing some for you. They help to at least keep you sane and not feel as hopeless. And you can process feelings of depression better too. Zoloft has been a real God-send in my life. My life would be a sorry mess without it.
I totally “get” your poem about your mom. I wrote one about my mom too. It’s ironic – you wrote about “the gaping hole” in yours and I wrote about the “hole in my soul” in mine. So I understand the depth of your pain in regard to your mom as “deep calls unto deep.”
If you feel like you want to scream and cry like a toddler maybe that is what you need to give yourself permission to do. I used to do a LOT of that! I didn’t have family, friends, or a spouse who understood even a fraction of the pain I was in. So all I could do was scream and cry while I clutched a doll or teddy bear, and visualized myself climbing up into Jesus’ lap and letting Him hold me, rock me, and comfort me. It’s not the same as having a real live person’s shoulder to cry on, but it was a lot better than nothing.
I tried to be stoic and stuff my feelings and I hated to cry, because I thought if I let myself start I would never stop. But actually it was the reverse. I could not begin to heal without really feeling my pain and letting the tears flow.
Please hang in there and don’t give up. I know everything seems hopeless and depressing right now, but it won’t always be that way! But there is no short-circuiting the healing process. Unfortunately, we all must go THROUGH the pain, in order to get OUT of the pain. But you can and will come out on the other side Mox!
AnonymousMoxie, I relate a lot to what you are saying about your feelings, esp. in regards to your mother. I have spent a ton of money on shrinks and psychics trying to process my nonsensical ‘relationship’ with her and my entire family of origin, really. I mainly want to say hang in there and I believe in you and your ability to create a meaningful life for yourself. I am in the trenches with you trying to do the same thing. I obviously do not know if your situation has any similarities with mine, but for whatever it’s worth I want to share a couple of helpful things I have been led to on my journey thus far. One was when a counselor said “Depression is anger turned inwards. Where does your anger rightfully belong? After you’ve processed and released the anger, what comes next? Grief? Sorrow? Freedom? Bliss? Some combination of these things? Something different?” The other was the term ‘maternal narcissism’ and a book by Dr. Karyl McBride about this topic. It gives tools for determning if this situation applies to you, as well as specific action plans to get out of it and into healthier relationships. You can google her and take a gander at her website, book, etc. As I said, I am not trying to say your mother was a narcissist like mine or anything, I’m just bouncing ideas off of you re: things that have helped me b/c I resonated deeply with your words. If these things don’t jive with you, that’s cool, just know I meant well and wasn’t trying to take your inventory or anything. Like David said recently , you are Perfect at Every Stage.
Mox, I can relate to the depression. I was in bed with the blinds closed for over a year. I know you can’t do that because you have kids and a family to take care of. But I know how hard that deep dark place can be. I wanted to cry and couldn’t; I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
I hope you can get help. Medication is a good thing. And counseling too. The first counselor I went to after leaving the church told me “God had a special place in hell for pastors like that.” … referring to the pastors at the church I had left. I didn’t go to counseling for several months; I should have gone much earlier. But we need to talk about the dark place we are at. That helps.
I know how hard depression is and I want you to be happy. HUGS!
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
Ang.
AnonymousMoxie, I’m so sorry. Girl, don’t you live in Portland? I need to DRIVE DOWN THERE!! I’m being totally serious.
Your poem – man, I understand that. Totally. I’m so sorry.
Also, cry. Weep. Gnash your teeth. Scream. Throw an epic tantrum. Why that was beaten out of us when we were young is beyond me. It’s actually really cathartic.
Thank you all for your kind words!
Kathy, it’s nice to “meet” you…I’m glad you’re here! I have an immune compromised (very sensitive lungs) toddler who I stay home with full time. This time of year with more colds and flus about, our exposure to the outside world must remain limited for her sake! That’s what I meant by lack of freedom! My family is hurting very much in the financial department as well, so in addition to my little one’s special need, it’s difficult for me to get away to do anything because I haven’t got the money to do anything, let alone pay someone to stay with her so I can go! I feel very much trapped, but I keep reminding myself it’s not forever…she is getting stronger every year! Hopefully by the time she’s 5, we will be able to be mostly “normal” as far as how we do things in the fall and wintertime. I live in the Pacific Northwest near Portland in Oregon.
Randy, thank you! I’m planning to try and get back into my writing!
Jo, I am sorry you can empathize so much with how I’m feeling! It has been this way for me for several years already. I have tried several medications and nothing worked! I was worse on them then off, and suffered horrible side effects. I have almost always had a paradoxical reaction to a plethora of things..including the fact that I am ALLERGIC to hypoallergenic plastics and adhesives. *and I bury my face in my palm* Sigh! I know that I have not tried ALL the medications..I will probably talk to my doctor and see if I can’t try something that might have less side effects and that I can take in small doses and build up if needs be. Anyway, I would very much like to have a mommy or mentor, but I don’t, so I will keep on trying to manage my heartbreak. It would just be so nice to have at least ONE living breathing face to face person in my life that cared and wanted to be cared for by me. (My husband doesn’t get me, though he tries)
Rosey, the confusion from family can be staggering, can it not? I would wish it on no one,ever. I keep contemplating trying to find a shrink, just so I have a single person who has no choice but to listen. My little girl makes it hard to make and keep appointments and my husband works full time retail hours..it’s a mess. ..I don’t know where my anger rightfully belongs! I have kind of let my mom off the hook in a lot of things, because SHE was horribly, horribly abused as a child. I guess I kind of get mad at her for having 6 kids, but I don’t wish any of my siblings out of existence…I will have to check out the author you recommended and ponder the things you said some more.
Ang, in bed all day with the blinds closed is DEFINITELY where I would be if I didn’t have to get up with my kids. I am so sorry for your pain, too. Thank you for your encouragement and (((hugs)))!
Tana, yes I am in the Portland area and SERIOUSLY? Haha, you have no idea how happy I got when I read that. What a dream to have a visitor for me instead of just for my kids!
And I think you’re right, I might need to throw an “epic tantrum” to release some of this pressure..Ugh!You all mean so much to me..thank you! (((HUGS))) to all of you!
AnonymousMox – that really sucks that the anti-depressive meds you’ve tried not only did not work, but gave you bad side-effects. I am so sorry they don’t work for you!
I hope and pray something or someone will come along to lift your spirits! Hang in there Mox! Until that happens, please keep “talking” to us. We are here for you! I know it would be so much better IN PERSON, but this is better than nothing.
Anonymousp.s. As long as I’m taking Zoloft my life is GOOD, so you don’t need to feel bad for me. My years of horrible depression are all in the past. Hope some day you can say the same!
AnonymousHi Moxie: Just checking in to see how you’re doing today.
Hey Moxie,
Sending you a big H-U-G!!!
Hi Moxie…
I am really sorry you are struggling so badly. i am in the same boat. Everyone here has given so much that I don’t have much to enrich the conversation.
I was wondering if you have tried Wellbutrin? I had a terrible time with Zoloft, but wellbutrin has worked well for me. And its also known as lady viagra lol. It kind of bothers your stomach for the first week but that stops, doesn’t cause weight gain either. Wish I was closer.Moxie – I feel for you. I know your pain… first hand. I know the husband doesn’t get me frustration and the finances have you trapped in on every side pain. I know the youngest child has special needs and so it forces you into isolation pain. I know the personal health/physical pain issues and I know what it feels like to be lonely and isolated from friends. I even know the pain of feeling like your family can’t embrace who you really are. I have been there on all counts and I know depression and feeling like you just can’t go on anymore. I understand all of it too well and I fight it daily myself.
I think it was my spiritual life that kept me going through all these years. It was the belief that God had it in control and that justice would come my way and that all things work together for good.. etc. I don’t know about you but that is what kept me from going crazy and now I just think I suffer for no reason and that even makes it worse. Do you feel that way?
Just so you know there is another person out there with what seems like a pitiful life listen to a typical event in my existence . I get stupid things happening to me daily – things that people wouldn’t write in a script because it would be too much drama for one family and no one would believe it – however it is real. Like last night my poor aspergers daughter FINALLY got a part in the school play (she’s a Senior now) and she played the ghost of Christmas future. All kinds of drama went into this part because she always wanted a speaking part and this was NOT a speaking part. We convinced her it was a main part anyway and to do that in and of itself was a feat. So what happens – we go to watch her and they had it so dark in there that she FELL OFF THE STAGE! 3 feet down, in high heels. It was HORRIBLE!!! You can imagine the drama that happened around it. The poor soul got up, adults in the front row attended to her, she cried in front of everyone she knows (embarrassing for a 17 year old) and pulled her pained self together and did her part. I could tell she was sobbing underneath the veil. I wanted to run up and hug her but had to let her be strong and brave. After the adrenalin wore off she was in a pile of pain so I checked her out and felt her ankle. It was really tender in one spot. Today I decided to have her x-rayed for peace of mind. She melted down and my husband started yelling at me and blaming me for her acting up and now he’s not speaking to me. This is just a picture into my daily life. One thing after another that makes me want to just say “I give up!!!!” If God writes the script (as some of my friends believe) then he has a heck of a nerve writing this kind of life for me. Flip side is that we make our own lives but every time I go to make it better, another obstacle gets thrown up. It’s like there is a ceiling over me that won’t go away. If my husband has an opportunity to get a promotion, the company decides to “reorganize” the week he is supposed to get a raise and bam… it never happens. When I get money that is stable and steady – the second, and I mean SECOND that I start to relax and breathe and feel a bit of hope… it gets snatched right out of my hand. These are things completely out of my control so it’s not like I can take responsibility for them and change them. They just are. I don’t want to make this about me – I just want you to know that I GET IT. The whole “I can’t do anything to make my life better because these things stand in my way and there is nothing I can do about them” feeling. It will make you feel depressed because it kills your hope. We need hope to move forward.
Financial pressure weighs really heavily on a family too. If illness and financial go hand in hand…. life can be so hard… daily, hourly…. It just weighs you down and its hard to feel happy. Since you are an extravert, you completely NEED people around you. If you were an introvert you would be okay sitting quietly in your home day after day. But you need fun and life and vitality around you. Virtual relationships are great but they are not enough.
Moxie, You are brave and tenacious. You are intelligent, gifted and resourceful. You reach out on this site all the time, being loving and supportive and generating all kinds of good discussions. You are a creative spirit and a good soul. You have so much to offer the world and I’m so sorry that your life is like this right now.
You have to hold on to the fact that it IS only temporary. Any end in sight is a good end. Make goals and plan for that day when she goes to school and what you are going to do. It will give you a taste that this is not forever.
Therapy does help…. if you can get a good therapist that insurance will cover. My therapist actually waved my co-pay fee because as my story unfolded she felt so very sorry for me it didn’t feel right for her to take my money (I’m not kidding about this). Her favorite term when hearing my saga would be “that is so shitty, I don’t even know what to say”.
There are so many people here that support and adore you! Hang in there!
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