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I thought that I had escaped the cycle of abuse…I thought leaving my religion behind, as excruciating as that process has been, was going to be it for me. I thought I was done letting anyone use me. My heart is broken yet again today, and I am really wondering how I can escape without slipping into more bitterness. I was starting to feel so much better..now my chest is burning with the old familiar hurt. :'(
Last night, it was late and my husband and I were vegging in front of some t.v. trying to wind down before bed as we usually do. I got a phone call from our recently ex (rent-free) roommate whom we’ve known since our older girls were toddlers. She was calling so late that I thought it might be an emergency, so I answered instead of letting it go to voice mail like I do with most phone calls after 9 p.m.
Over the course of the half hour phone call, I was hit upside the head with something that I have been trying to convince myself isn’t true for several months now. My friend isn’t my friend. I don’t know if she ever was. You see, I tend to give as generously as possible to people that I call my friends, and over and over and over again I keep calling the wrong people my friend. In the last decade I’ve learned that over 95% of the people I had given my friendship to were either using me, or gave up on me and my family when we had our premature daughter, or both. My heart has been broken many times over this reality, but I never felt allowed to say how wrong that was that they treated me so badly. I always felt like I had to keep my mouth shut and swallow the pain. Of course, the forum and my online friends here have been wonderful in helping me learn that it’s OKAY to admit that it’s not right. I don’t have to just swallow it and then suffer the horrible pain on my own. This person, I’ll just call her M, was the last remaining person from my old life when I was religious. All of the others ditched me, or angrily lashed out at me because I wasn’t able to be to them what they expected (particularly after my youngest girl’s traumatic birth)and then ditched me. I’ve felt beyond alone for a few years now, and though I am always thankful for my husband and the fact that we have survived all of this with out any “real time moral support” (and I’m not exaggerating that at all)..well, I’m beginning to realize that I still kept trying to give, even when I’m practically flat on my back already. (Example: I keep letting people live at my house rent free when I NEED money, and I have done so without them ever knowing that I really could use even just a little help) I have little expectation of new people that I meet, but I guess maybe I did have some expectations of M. Anyway, I’m still obviously upset, so rather than go rabbit trailing all over the place, I’m going to abbreviate it like this:
M. had moved away to live in CO with a very old friend and her kids and help her out while she was going through and ugly divorce. Shortly after she moved there, it was apparent to me that her old friend is off her rocker and very abusive. She was very controlling of M. When she was not allowed to call me, she hid a phone from her “friend” so she could call me. She then cried to me over and over and over again about how she was being treated over the span of about 9 months off. I kept telling her that she had to be able to see that she was being abused on her own. I told her I could see it clear as day, but I know I can’t make her see it. I told her she could come here and get back on her feet… but she was already in a pattern of denial and clamouring after this girl’s affection and approval. I quote “When she loves me, she WONDERFUL!” Anyway, I knew that eventually things would get worse to the point of her not being able to live there anymore, and that’s how she ended up with us at our house. She had been physically assaulted and it was UGLY. I couldn’t financially help her get out, but I offered her a room here if she could get from there to here. I said she could live here until the end of the year. That was July. She moved out almost a month earlier than she had to because she couldn’t take the inconveniences around here with my crappy landlord. She never had to pay one cent of rent, yet she found plenty to complain about and last night she informed that she “can’t catch a break” with the new situation she moved into. Anyway, I’ve been had. She is back at it trying to win the witch in CO back, and has consistently treated me and my family like a step stool, and more recently I feel like a toilet. She wants me for my listening ear, but her problems and trials in life are all that is important. She barely paid us the time of day when she lived here. And she talked about her other friends that she’s “known forever” like they are so dear and wonderful to her even though they treated her like shit. I tried to treat her like a princess, and she shit in my face. I’M SO DONE!!! I actually said that I feel like I love her more than she loves me, and not only did she not disagree with me, she ignored it and kept complaining about her rent situation and telling me nothing I was going through compared to her shitty life.
And I wish I could tell you that I didn’t recently tell someone I barely know that they could rent a room from me to get out of their parents house. She’s a young lesbian girl who’s very religious parents are trying to “cure” her with christian therapy. I don’t know if she will take us up on this offer (my husband and I have discussed it already) but I’m just so scared that I’m just going to get used again. I would ask this one to pay at least some rent, but I know she’s barely getting out in the world and can’t afford much.
HOW DO I KEEP FROM BEING SO FRICKING SKEPTICAL OF PEOPLE NOW!!!??? WHY AREN’T ANY OF YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN MY ACTUAL 3 DIMENSIONAL LIFE!!!?? :'( I could cry all day.
I’m so confused.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
moxierocks.
Anonymous{{{{{{{{{{Moxie}}}}}}}}}}}}
I know you will keep leaning into your questions, as David says, and find the support and answers you need. I too look forward to a day when I enjoy reciprocal relationships with fun, healthy people who are not takers and drama queens. Looking back on a lot of my friendships, I see that some people were just mean but most people really gave the relationship all they had. It’s just that they didn’t have a lot to give, b/c their lives were full of drama and conflict. Frequently they had addictions and were involved in abusive or otherwise problematic marriages. Because I was born and raised to believe I exist to solve other people’s problems, it took me a long time to learn that I do not. I exist to evolve myself and to treat others as I myself would like to be treated. But I do not expect other people to do my work for me, just support me as I do my own work and allow me to do the same for them. People that are sensitive and kind and have big hearts often attract needy people, and learning boundaries has been a lifelong process for me, especially since mine were routinely violated in practically every way for the first couple decades of my life. You are strong, Moxie, and smart and brave. You will work this out. We both will. A suggestion re: your new potential renter, she may not be able to afford a lot of rent, but she can help with other stuff like housework, etc.
I’m so sorry
that really is a very sad. I can see how a situation like that would make it hard for you to trust and rightfully so. At the same time, I’d encourage you to keep your heart open, as it is obviously a good one and another person may not treat you badly. We should learn from our failed relationships but do our best not to base future relationships on them…if that makes sense.Moxie {{hugs}}
I’ll try to tackle your question, “HOW DO I KEEP FROM BEING SO FRICKING SKEPTICAL OF PEOPLE NOW!!!?”
I, and many others here it seems, have been hurt by people they love(d). I’ve had my heart battered by those in the rare position to hurt me. For many years I lived a solitary life. I engaged with others, I was active in the community, I maintained my relationship, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When people were too “nice” or “right” I always expected them to eventually do something to inflict the pain you’re going through right now. I thought I was protecting myself, but I was really just making my world smaller.
That was a hindrance to my personal growth. I had to learn to work through the pain inflicted by a particular person and/or group and leave it with them. There is a Jamaican saying that you should not use one person’s fat to fry another. It basically means that you shouldn’t assume that the wrong the last person did will be repeated by the next and treat them as if they were guilty without cause.
I know that opening myself up to others and letting them into my life and heart has a risk for betrayal and pain, but the alternative is unacceptable to me anymore. So grieve this knowing you did nothing wrong, and not allow it to affect the way you treat the next person you are moved to show kindness. Unfortunately this is probably not the last time you’ll find yourself in this place of heartache. Try to protect your heart as best you can and not let this stop you from being your wonderful giving self.
My heart goes out to you…..
Moxie, it hurts me to see you hurting. And I feel for you because I’ve been there. I wish I could give you a ‘real’ hug and be there with you.
These are not my words that follow, but they are my experience and how I feel after having been there/done that too many times and the last time nearly sent me literally over the edge:
~ ~ ~
It’s been my experience that people use others simply because they can. In other words, they’ve done it all their life and it’s worked for them. They do not remember all the good I’ve done and all the time, effort and money I’ve spent on them. Once I stopped, the campaign of hatred began.
Users are only interested in you when they can get something from you. When they can’t, they grind you into the ground and move on to their next victim. I think the biggest mistake people make when giving to the users and takers is thinking that somehow, their kindness and generosity will make the users and takers a better person. Wrong! Nice people who get sucked in by the users/takers do so with good intentions and end up broken and beaten down in the end.
The best thing you can do is not to get involved. I have learned this the hard way.~ ~ ~
I don’t want to sound hard or mean. But I’ve taken so many hits that I know (finally) we have to start standing up for ourselves sometimes, no matter how hard it is. Saying ‘no’ to someone who sounds like they are in need is really hard. But please take care of YOU! As someone told me one time, if a bank won’t loan them a few dollars to get back on their feet, and you are the ONLY person left in the world that can save them, then there are a lot of other questions you need to be asking other than just the one you are focused on of giving them a hand out.
Yes, I’m sure these will be times that I WANT to help someone. That’s what I do. But it needs to be my choice and not them crying and begging.
Good luck. Keeping you in my thoughts.
There’s so much wise counsel here mox. i agree. at least now you can go in with your eyes open and your heart if you want. the world if full of hurting people who don’t know how to relate with others in an authentic way. almost everyone is burned and self-protective. the only way this can change is by some people remaining open and loving. but this doesn’t mean being naive about what people are up to. your smart, wise and so so kind. i think this speaks volumes. no wonder she’s coming to you for help. (could you set up some boundaries and guidelines?)
let go, let god take care of this crazy person that was in your life.. sometimes not helping someone is helping them. Listen to your gut instincs. Follow your heart and always remember you can change your mind at any point. Nothing is ever written in stone.
AnonymousMox – I’m so sorry for all the turmoil and pain you are going through! That totally sucks to realize someone you considered a friend has used and abused you and that all they were really there for was to take advantage of your friendship, generosity and kindness.
I had this happen a couple years ago when my “best friend” and I started a local women’s ministry. I soon found out she loved flaunting the title (“chairperson”), while I did the majority of her work as well as fill two other positions. And she was more than happy to let me. (MY mistake for not setting firm boundaries with her from the beginning.) A couple years into the ministry I finally realized she was using our “friendship” to manipulate and use me. Not to mention all her scheming, and being a pathological liar. I ended up leaving a ministry that was near and dear to my heart just to get away from her, and I haven’t spoken to her since. After I left, she was caught embezzling money from the ministry funds so the council completely banned her for life – but to this day she claims it was all a “misunderstanding” and she did nothing wrong. She did pay the money back, but she’s lucky she didn’t go to jail! (Although personally, I think with her level of denial she needed that kind of serious wake-up call!)
Here’s the thing: Even before we started the ministry together, I had noticed some things about her (like her tendency to exaggerate things, and always needing to be the center of attention) that sent up red flags, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to see those things because we had some really good times and a LOT of laughs when we were together. I was too invested in the friendship. But I should have listened to what my heart was initially telling me. And when it was all said and done, I really had to ask myself WHY I was willing to let her use and abuse me? Did I let things slide for so long with her because there was some sort of “emotional pay-off” in it for me? Why would I rather suffer in silence instead of confronting people and holding them accountable for their actions?
Just because someone “needs help” doesn’t mean you are automatically required to be their savior and rescue them. So the advice I pass on to you, Mox, is to really listen to your own heart FIRST, before that knee-jerk reaction of wanting to help others skews your judgment. It’s not selfish to take a person’s inventory before agreeing to help them out. Especially since it doesn’t just affect you – it will also have an impact on your husband and your children. They are your first priority.
Reciprocity is one of my criteria now for friendships. There has to be mutual honesty, trust, loyalty, equal give-and-take, and the amount and depth of sharing needs to be reciprocal – not one-sided. If it’s always all about the other person, that’s a deal-breaker. You can’t afford to ignore that glaring red flag, because if you do, you will definitely reap the consequences later. Better to avoid starting a friendship or reaching out to help someone like that than to have to extricate yourself later on. They don’t care in the least that you will be hurt – all they care about is themself.
I am a generous person and have given more than I should to certain friends in the past too. Once I’m already emotionally invested in a friendship, it’s very hard to extricate myself, so I have learned I need to honestly evaluate a friendship in the early stages, when it is much easier to bail if you begin to see that this is not a good investment of your heart, time and money. I try to ask myself: Is this a two-way street, or am I constantly the giver, and they the taker? Is there reciprocal sharing between us. Is there give and take? Is this person honest with me? Can I trust this person? Is there ANYTHING about this person that sends up red flags? As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.” Don’t minimize the red flag and don’t remain in the relationship thinking they will change down the road, or that you can change them. IT WON’T HAPPEN!
That’s great that your heart wants to help people, but you have to set some healthy boundaries Mox. Perhaps it’s time to give the “revolving door” at your house a rest for awhile. Having people live in your home for any length of time (even best case scenario) changes the household group dynamic which will take an emotional/financial toll on your family and your marriage. Perhaps it’s time to give yourself, your husband, and your kids top priority??? That’s not being selfish, it’s simply doing what you need to do for YOU and your family.
Hang in there Mox! Sending you cyber hugs!!
Wow, thanks everyone. I’d love to respond to you each individually, but I have a toddler..lol. But, seriously from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. I will definitely be chewing on the advice that you’ve offered. It’s been a weird few days as this person has tried to contact me, and when she couldn’t reach me she called my husband. It was awkward because she wanted to hang out, and I am not ready to say anything to her yet. I don’t wish to be cruel to her, but I am definitely not willing to continue to be used. Anyway, we shall see how it pans out. Maybe I should write to her? I dunno..:P
AnonymousI suggest writing two letters to her. The first one you won’t be sending her because it needs to be completely uncensored. Let it fly girl! You need to say exactly what you wish you could say to her in person but can’t without cutting her to shreds. Wait a couple days, when you can be more objective, and write her a letter which tactfully says whether you want to continue the relationship with her or not. (You are not obligated to Mox!) If you do still want a relationship with her, you need to clearly spell out what the new boundaries for the relationship will be.
I once had a very legalistic Christian friend who I had been friends with for years. We even went on a few road trips together and had some good times together. But she was a very legalistic Christian and that had really bothered me for years, yet I never said anything to her about it. Finally one day I realized it is not in my best interest to have people in my life who affect me negatively and cause me stress – so I ended the friendship. I wrote her a letter and apologized for not being honest with her and for not being honest with myself, and told her I no longer wanted to be friends with her. I know that sounds mean, but it really was a necessary, healthy decision on my part. Wish I had done it years earlier!
Good luck Mox! Follow your heart, not a bunch of dysfunctiona “Christian shoulds!”
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced so much pain at the hands of someone who doesn’t seem to understand nor appreciate what you do for them.
After reading over your original post, though, I thought it might be just a little helpful to shed some light on her behavior.
I work at a shelter for women and children who are fleeing domestic violence. The things that you talked about in your post are very common of the people who come to stay with us. It’s not just you, but I would say that the next time you run across someone who is being/has been abused, it may be best to not house them yourself and direct them to a shelter, if only because handling their emotional crises –not to mention their physical ones– is not something you can reasonably expect yourself to do. Yes, they need friends. So do you!
And in that situation you described, “friend” meant very different things to both of you.
You mentioned a few things that stood out to me:
1. Many people in her past have treated her like shit.
2. She barely spoke to you or your husband while she lived there
3. She is trying to win back her “friend” who abused her.
4. She can’t stop talking about her problems
5. she ignored a personal plea from you in order to continue a personal rant.
6. She moved out earlier than she needed to partially because she “couldn’t handle” inconveniences that were the fault of the landlord
7. She is currently finding fault with her new roommates.
8. she returns to you for an ear because you have listened to her in the past.
9. Her life seems erratic.
All of these things I’m going to sum up like this:
(And I’m going to throw my disclaimer: I am not saying I know everything, and I certainly DO NOT. These things also do not go for all people who have experienced abuse. There are many very warm, kind giving victims of abuse! But if you notice a pattern where you begin to feel drained or used, then please read on. These are things that I have kept in mind at my workplace. You do not have to shut people out. But remember that you have needs and limits, too! People bring different things and expectations to the table when they enter what they call a friendship. Be aware! This is all I’m saying.)
People who have experienced a lifetime of abuse –especially if it’s ongoing, like in her case where she just left an abusive situation and has had a background of mistreatment– have absorbed a personal pattern of thinking that can lead to a few different things:
1. They are not immediately processing their life nor their situations. They will continue to rant, be erratic, or return to their abusers. This can change and can change on its own, but first they have to change their own lives and thought processes, and many are too afraid or don’t know how to do that. They live in constant reaction mode. Underneath all of this, they are really very stressed out. They are not going to take time out for you until they have found what they believe they need. In reality, they need time to settle and heal away from their own sources of pain, which they may or may not even acknowledge yet.
As you noted earlier, that is not something you can force her or others to realize. They have to come into that on their own.
2. Their lives seem to go on the same cycles because they are not processing. They will continue on the same cycles unto they DO process. That can be messy, and often requires a professional counselor if it is something that is lifelong or otherwise very ingrained into their behavior set. People don’t just become stable when they leave and enter a stable situation. They bring all of that stuff with them. It is not your job to show them how to live and redirect their thoughts. You are not a counselor.
3. They will rant. A lot. The ranting is surprisingly necessary to their ability to process (I think we all know this part since we are on this forum). HOWEVER, there is a point where it becomes poisonous both you and the other person. At that point, redirect them to find solutions to their issues. If they are not open to hearing any solutions (because many of them don’t HAVE any solutions .. so telling them to come up with some entirely on their own will just leave them feeling very frustrated) and insist on ranting, then simply refuse to hear it. Encourage them to be empowered in their own means, but don’t feed the fire by giving them 24/7 access to your ears.
4. They will repeat the behaviors they have been shown all their lives. If someone has been mistreated and abused all their lives, they will repeat those behaviors. If they do this to you, it could be for any number of reasons. Remember that it is not personal. This is how they were essentially taught to live. Do not take it personally.
In fact, that is the point I want to make all over my post:
***Do not take anything from an abused person personally if you are living under the same roof with them. Be open to people in general. Set your limits. Make them VERY CLEAR and then stick to them. If they need something, direct them to a public resource that can help them. Do not let yourself be used. Do not let yourself feel intimidated or bullied. And do not be afraid to say no. You can be helpful, open and loving without becoming the sort of person the abused person already is/has been: USED.
And now I will stop typing on this one… lol
Hi, Ren! I think it’s really great that you work at a shelter. I don’t think I could handle that…
Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your heart.
I have a lot swirling around in my head after reading what you posted, and since the baby is asleep, I think I’ll actually try and put them into words. I have some thoughts, and also some questions. I totally understand if you don’t have answers for me, but I still think I’ll ask them.
A lot of what you said describes M….however, you also described me. She and I have a lot in common:
1. We were both (at times severely) abused physically, emotionally, and mentally: especially in childhood but it continued on into young adulthood and in both of us established a pattern of falling back into being abused.
2. We both come from broken homes with lots of “extra” relatives, and some really messed up family dynamics that are a source of massive amounts of stress to our adult lives at times.
3. We both have spent thousands of hours taking care of babies and children. (And in my case, I mean, before I ever had any of my own..)
4. We both have chronic illness that started early and has followed us into adulthood and become harder and harder to deal with.
I have a very hard time understanding M.’s behavior though. Things we do NOT have in common: (these are observations/ comparisons…I know that it doesn’t mean I know EVERYTHING about her life. I know things can look one way from the outside and be completely different in reality, but right now, this is what I see.)
1. M. has an “adoptive” family who, from what I can tell (I have met them), have treated her INCREDIBLY well and she had (as she has told me many times) a safe place to escape the beatings as a kid and to this day goes “home to Mom”. (I used to dream of someone to come and save me and would have run away if I hadn’t lived waay out in the country.)
2. M. has been in counseling and been receiving therapy and other help since I have known her. It seemed to be helping her from what I could tell. I witnessed a lot of growth in her and she was doing great! (My pleas for help ~literally, I was asking for help, not acting out~ went unheeded until I went into a psychiatric meltdown. I was prayed over and pumped full of drugs and got sicker. I had to figure out how to help myself once I broke free of all that. And I have helped myself a lot with a change of diet and trying to stay positive, even though I sometimes wish I had a shrink!)
3. M. has a large circle of friends, many of whom I have met. She has, from what I have always been able to surmise, a pretty large network of support and loving friends. She has known most of these people for much longer than the 9 years she’s known me, and she always seems to do a lot of activities with many of these people. Even when she was living here, she was out and about a TON after work. It really felt like she had time and energy for them, but never for me and my family. (I am a shut in for the most part, due to my immune sensitive toddler and the fact that all my “friends” I used to have abandoned us. I am so lonely sometimes that I wish I lived in a lone house in the midst of a field instead of in a crowded suburb with people I know 5 minutes away. At least the lack of people in my life would make sense then.)
I could go on, but I won’t. I know that I must sound bitter…because, yes, I am somewhat bitter! And there you have one of the things that seems to turn people off from being my friend. I use my words. I say what’s on my mind, I say how I am feeling. I don’t pretend that I’m okay when I’m not. I also don’t try and make the fact that I’m NOT okay a burden on someone else. I would love some support in my face to face world, but I am thankful for the wonderful support and listening ears that I find in all of you here on the forum. Having the ability to rant a lot here is hugely therapeutic. But I hope that you all know that I’m here to LISTEN, too! I hope you know how much you are APPRECIATED for listening and sharing. Because M. makes me feel like a dumping ground. Nobody thanks the city dump for keeping their garbage out of the streets. Does that make sense?
You know, Ren..I do not mean to pat myself on the back, but I think I am one of the “warm, kind, giving victims of abuse” that you mentioned. Well, I consider myself a SURVIVOR of abuse, and not a victim..even if I do keep getting abused from time to time. I’m not sure how to stop tripping into these situations. Anyway, I am wondering..is is possible that M. WANTS to be a victim? It really confuses me. She is throwing aside pleading advice by her therapist and friends to stay away from this person, and hurling herself at the abusers feet! I do not know what to think I guess. I’m just not sure what would make a person run headlong BACK into a situation like that if they had escaped. I left my abusive parent at 18 and never looked back. I ended up with a boyfriend who beat me and emotionally abused me, and even though it took me way longer than I wish it had to get a clue and get out, I did and never even entertained the thought of trying to get him back! Is it weird that I don’t understand?
I’m sorry, I think I might have gone too much. I hope that I made any sense…obviously this situation still has me muddled in the head. I don’t want to just dump her from my life and hurt her, but I don’t know how I can move forward…and I don’t know how NOT to take some things she does personally..because I would NEVER treat anyone the way she’s treating me..and I HAVE been abused alot.
*nods* We come from similar places. I have been too…. as have 90% of the staff at the shelter I work for, which is how we can work there. (open secret: I think it makes the job “workable”, to have been there…)
And yes, we do call our residents survivors ^_^ but I didn’t want to confuse anyone on that since before you said it, it seemed to be an inside tag word that people int he field introduce others to all the time. *makes a note*
I’ll also throw out there that I just described myself, too!
The thing is that you, me, and others have begun to process… we can look back at ourselves and be able to say, “I have moved on in some way, shape, or form, from that stage and have grown to some amount… I see where I was, what I did and where I am now.”. That is why I don’t really point out that I’m describing anyone else but M.
When it comes to people leaving abusive relationships, it’s very, very common….. Typical… even expected… that the abused person will return to their abuser. I’m surprised her therapist doesn’t seem to take this into account.
It takes an average of up to 5+ times of coming and going before they finally leave. This doesn’t go for everyone–like yourself, or even me: it’s a statistic, of course. However, it holds true, because people who are that deep in that pattern are stuck in it.
There is not much that can be done. People can plead, beg, etc. She will not get it until she… well… gets it.
X_X We have seen countless residents dissapear from our shelter or lie about where they are going only to return to their situation. They don’t like being victims… but they often don’t understand that they have been treated wrongly (!). If you dig around in their heads, they think *they* did something wrong. Not that their abuser(s) are doing something wrong to them. Even if you explain it to them.
And there’s the rub. :/
As for me and my shelter job, all we can do is wait for them to call again.
Eventually, they will get it.
But it usually takes an extreme situation for the ones who return to stop returning.
Like… being held at gunpoint… (common…) or something else even more horrifying.
and even then… they fight themselves all the way to court and back. The brainwashing that abusers to do some people is insane. It really is a form of brainwashing that causes this. The term we use is “Gaslighting” .
Here’s a link (wikipedia) explaining it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
Thanks for getting back so quickly, Ren.
How interesting and disturbing, the whole “gaslighting” thing…I guess that’s what you call what was done to me and my siblings for a loong time, by my parents AND the church we were in. Yuck. :/ Well, maybe it’s the fact that I know what it’s like that keeps attracting these kind of people into my life. I don’t know..It seems like some of the most mentally mixed up folks end up on my doorstep at least every few years. 6 years ago, my husband brought home a guy that he met at a 12 step program (that’s a long story) and in the end I had to insist on kicking him out for being a pervert (he sexually assaulted me) and using drugs in our home around our babies. I actually saw that one coming, but my husband and I had not developed a healthy communication enough to have agreed ahead of time not to invite 12 step program participants to live with us.
Last year we had a girl here (she has really abusive parents) that started stealing from us and mistreating our kids, so she had to go. I really did not know that she was like that, and had known her for awhile so that one was kind of a shock.I know I don’t have to let anyone live with me, but when I have space, I guess I kind of feel like I should. Another reason why I need to downsize my whole life. I think I need to have a few (or several?) years of just focusing on my family like Jo White suggested. Why does that almost seem selfish to me?
Bless you for doing what you do, and thank you for being so kind and patient listening to me ramblings.
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