What Are You Struggling With?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been asking this question a lot lately in my own life and surprised by what people have been willing to share. I’ve learned the more intentional we are in others’ lives, we invite them into our space to be transparent.

So, today, I invite you to open up and share what you’re struggling with this very moment in your life.

In my own life, it’s lust and loneliness. I’m 29, a virgin, and no prospect of a relationship. Sometimes I think God is punishing me and wants me to remain single forever. Maybe I’m too broken for any one to truly love and accept me.

These are some things I think about regularly. Though my life overall is great, I can’t help but think about these things in those momentary lapses of the day.

So, what about you? What are you struggling with?

• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with making a transition, I think, at this point.   I have been waiting for my entire life to get me to this age, to see what the effects my committment/obsession with personal growth would show.    I am feeling a definite building of spiritual tension and some kind of new and stronger pull by the spirit to my body.  I am finding my mind and body much more controlled by my meditation, I am surprised by this new development. I am and have been a very high energy, fast moving person with a constantly processing brain. I was thinking that by fifty I would know the value of this life of the mind I have chosen. Meditation has only been a tool for me for about twenty years though. I wish I’d been able to start it sooner.

I am starting to really be able to put a lot together from looking back. I am finding more grace and forgiveness for situations in my past. I am feeling almost innoculated against certain types of offense I once was highly sensitive to from family members.  Time has done pretty well in most areas of my understanding.  But I definitely feel a struggle in my spirit/mind.   It’s like the minutia of life are becoming almost a battle for me.  I feel the minutia crowding out my impulses to make the time I feel I need in meditation and my yoga. I could meditate five times a day and do yoga three or four. I feel a definite sort of call to it and I am finding other things in my life are nearly consuming my mind and causing me blocks. I believe the frustration is providing the launch pad from which I will eventually “take off” into the new lifestyle/awareness groove of being a much more committed individual to meditation and yoga.  I am thinking this is how the mechanics of me, work.  I get feelings of frustration building for a period of time and then when this season or phase is fulfilled I am able to begin to encorporate this new attitude or behavior into my life more effectively.  At least this is what I am hoping.

I have a lot of responsibilites that keep me pretty grounded, I love my responsibilites I just need to be able to balance them all better, or something needs to change in me. I am trying to remain as open and flexable as possible, I know I could be viewing this tension build from the wrong perspective even. I have had that happen before. Whatever this change coming is, I will do my best to roll with it though, as that approach has done me the best service in the past. I am hoping this is a new committment level for me and my meditation/yoga.  But it could be another something big preparing to reveal itself.  I don’t know. All I know is I am definitely feeling something about to come to a fruition in me and that always involves a kind of struggling feeling in my spirit.

[happyleeParticipant]

I’m struggling with singleness.  It’s a daily struggle and as much as I hate it, I’ve decided to embrace it and work through it.  This is what I have posted lately on FB  – two posts (only for my “Close Friends” list):

“I have to say that married people giving advice to heartbroken singles feels a little condescending. If you’ve never been there, if you got married in your late teens or your twenties, then you have no idea what it’s like to be in your mid to late thirties and still be single (with hardly any hope in sight of remedying the situation). You don’t know the lingering pain that you deal with every single day, EVERY SINGLE DAY…. the jokes, the comments, the shaking of heads, the questions and the feeling of inadequacy and yearning that yep, don’t go away.

That said, the world of heartbroken singles is best served if you, (yes I’m talking to you, writer, that got married in your twenties) don’t join in the conversation because everything you say will sound patronizing, whether you mean to or not.

I’m referring to the whole myriad of advice written by married men and women who have no clue just how painful the situation is for singles. Plainly put: you don’t know, so shut up.

This one is between us and God.

And the reason I say this one is between us and God is because really, everything that could be written, has been written… every verse that could be said, has already got shoved in our faces (Delight yourself in the Lord, etc… Seek first the kingdom of God, etc…) and sometimes, verses are not enough to comfort a broken heart.

Sometimes all you can do and need to do is sit in silence with God. Softly crying and teaching yourself to trust that he’s right there, sitting with you… and… in a little nook of your heart, hope that he will be moved, one day, to bless you with a spouse.”

**********************

“No matter how good your intentions, if you’re a married columnist – married since your late teens or twenties- then you have no clue what’s it like to be single in your mid to late 30’s. It’s best to be quiet. Furthermore to write advice like “you are complete in Christ” is to deny what many of us singles face, which is heart-wrenching. It’s that simple. Comparable to me writing a column about grieving for a lost child… or about fighting bullimia/anorexia. These are two things that I’ve never been through so I have nothing to add to the discussion. And my efforts to add to those painful issues will sound patronizing and hollow. There are some things you just cannot do. And shouldn’t do, Christian columnists.

Many times what is needed is just grace. Grace from friends and family. A simple, “You know what, I’m praying that God brings you the best possible man too add to your joy, so you won’t go at it alone, so the money will be enough, so someone will be a witness to your life, because this world is hard and you’ve had it rough and two are better than one.” This is what I need. Not patronizing Christian columns.

I think the only time I’ve read a Christian column that adds to the discussion in a positive way is a column Dave Wainscott posted on my wall this week. And that’s about it.

However, I do believe pain has a purpose. And just as I’m working out despite my knee pain and working out “through” the pain; I am also living “through” this grieving process – grieving because I am still single, and might be for a long time (it’s a possibility, I live in a small sea-side city, after all). I’m living through the years I believe I’ve lost and the broken dreams I have… And I trust that somehow I will come out on the other side, because God is good.

Lately, the only prayer I’ve had is: Shema Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad.

My declaration of faith. It’s all I can say because most days, I’m even too hurt to pray. But God knows my silence.”

********************

Yes, I know marriage can be difficult. Marriage is about grace and compassion. I believe marriage is also a service. And I want to experience this. I want to share my life with someone and have someone share his life with me. I’m tired of dealing with life alone. I am in my mid-thirties and time has flown by.

The odds are against me though. I live in a small sea-side city (I moved here after I faced bankruptcy 5 years ago, and I’m grateful. Moving here was an amazing move on God’s part. I thought my life was over, but God had other plans)… Anyway, going back to the “the odds are against me” part, not only do I live in this small city, but most men my age are married. And those who aren’t are mostly the party crowd (I DJ at a friend’s bar so I know many of these men).

Also, I bought my mom a house last year and I’m pretty broke. My mom works cleaning offices to have some money for herself and to help out my grandmother and help out around the house… but $ is really tight.   Since my dad died in bankruptcy when I was 17 and left mom with nothing, I will have to support her for the rest of her life. And pay the house mortgage for her house as well. But I don’t mind because I ADORE her.  And I got so tired of her and I knocking on doors to see what relative would take us in (when we had nowhere to go… it was humiliating and heartbreaking)… Yet a man will see my mom as a huge responsibility. I know this… I also help out my brother who moved in because he lost everything too (last year). It’s a curious living situation. My brother, my mom and I, living in this tiny house I bought for mom, making ends meet. But we’re surrounded by love and grace and though I cannot see how I’ll ever manage to move out (in case I never wed) or even meet someone who wouldn’t mind my responsibilities, I try to trust God.  But it’s hard. I’ve cried a lot this year. Nowadays I just sit in silence and recite the Shema.

Oh and to top it all off, I’m the only Christian among all my friends (even though I don’t attend church, I love the Lord to death. And that will never change). Also, I’m not a typical Chilean female. So yep, odds are stacked against me.

I’ve been pretty sad lately.

The Shema helps, it really does.

Wow. A long post. If anyone made it this far, thank you for reading.

[moxierocksParticipant]

Honestly, I’m struggling to feel hopeful for my future. There’s so much that feels hopeless in my life right at this moment, and there are very, very few people in my life with any real understanding for me.

I feel so lonely for  face to face, meaningful, honest, and mutually caring relationships.

I have experienced misfortunes in the area of my health that have stolen away enough of my function to interfere with the quality of life I can have on a consistent basis, but not so much that anyone can tell there’s something wrong with me at a glance. This in particular has become very tough to deal with lately. Sometimes I think it would be easier to have lost a limb. Not that I wish to be maimed or anything..just, there’s so little understanding for people with invisible illness.

I struggle with knowing how to stand up for myself when I’m mistreated. I know I shouldn’t just say what I’m thinking, but for me, the alternative is just to say nothing at all. That doesn’t work in all situations.

I struggle with an incredible amount of insecurity. I feel like at any moment, anyone who says they love me today, can just turn their back on me tomorrow, and I’ll never know what I’ve done to make them go. This struggle comes from the fact that it has happened on several occasions, just like that. I want to be able to love ME and like ME enough, and know that I am operating out of love towards others as much as I can so that when those things happen, I can KNOW that I am not deserving of being tossed aside like garbage.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for sharing so deeply with what you’re struggling with. I’m trying desperately not to be cliche’ about how I respond because while some of us are struggling with the same thing, we all handle it differently. And the last thing I’m going to tell any of you is *how* to feel.

So, will be responding to these later today.

*Hugs to you all*

Thank you for being so raw and transparent.

 

[AngParticipant]

I can relate to wanting to be married and having a relationship.  That was the best part of my life.  I loved being married and miss it so much.  But even though I really don’t like being alone (except for my dogs), and hate the thought of being alone the rest of my life, I really wouldn’t want to start another relationship because I think I would compare anyone else to my husband and the relationship we had.  So I could bitch about being lonely for companionship.   But I don’t have the right to since I don’t want to change it.  Crazy, huh?

But what I’m struggling with is still purpose and feeling like after all these years, everything I had planed for my life is over.  So, where do I go from here.  I can’t physically start out on any great adventures so that is totally limiting anything I could do; travel, etc.  And even if I could, I don’t know what that would be.

So here I sit, with a big ? for a life.

And everyone says I’m so much fun to be with.  I guess I am alone so much that it is fun just to be in the presence of a living being.  smile…

Exciting, huh?

 

[Michelle GeorgeParticipant]

I’m struggling with isolation and loneliness. Since I left the church I have no support system any more and I feel a bit adrift with everything at the moment. My family all live interstate, but with the no more church thing, I feel as through I’m the black sheep and not living up to expectations

[Anonymous]

@Michelle:

I know how you feel. Whose and what expectations are you trying to meet?

[Anonymous]

@moxierocks:  Insecurity has been one of my worst enemies for most of my life, so I empathize with you. Every person I’ve ever met has found a reason to bail from my life. And I blamed myself for it. Until I realized that people who genuinely care about you won’t find a reason to bail. They’re rare but they’re out there.

You are lovable. Don’t think for a moment you aren’t. It’s not YOUR fault. It’s their loss!  You’re stronger than you think you are. You shared that, didn’t you?

We love you.

@happylee:

There are some many points you made that hit me like a brick. We have too much in common. I’m going through the same thing as a single. I see a lot of Christian blogs that give advice about dating and singleness. I try and write from experience and not force my opinion on to any one else as to why they are still single. I hate Christian cliches’ regarding singleness. It just makes it worse. So, I definitely relate there.

We need more people who are willing to lean into our story rather than trying to rewrite it.

 

[Anonymous]

Jlac and Happy Lee – I’m really sorry you are both still single when  every fiber of your being aches and longs so much to be married and have a spouse to share your lives with.  I really hope that will happen for you guys!!

Ang – I totally get the added burden of having a chronic illness. Who has the energy required for dating, let alone marriage? And if we did happen to get married, what little energy we do have all goes into meeting the expectations/needs of our husband, which leaves NO ENERGY for doing anything we want to do. (At least that’s how it was for me when I was married and had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.) I really am better off being single when it comes to living a much less stressful life and being able to do a few things I want to do for ME. The best part is if I don’t want to cook, I don’t,  or if I don’t want to clean, I don’t! I can go at my own pace and do my own thing, which translates into living a a simpler, happier life. And stress reduction = a reduction in CFS symptoms which gives me a better quality of life. So it’s definitely a trade-off.

What jlac’s and Happy’s posts dredged up for me is kind of ironic and I’m still processing it. I  am 55 yrs. old and also single.  Yet, while I am “technically” in the same “single” category as the rest of you single gals, I’m really not.  Well, more like I can’t or won’t allow myself to  FEEL those kinds of longings.  While you guys are in a more emotionally painful and vulnerable place, you are also in an emotionally healthier place, if that makes sense???   Just recognizing I am emotionally numb to those kinds of longings is suddenly a sad realization for me. (PLEASE don’t think I’m saying “I have it worse than you” or “you guys need to just buck up,”  because that’s NOT what I’m saying, okay? I’m just trying to process here.)

I guess it comes down to personal history. Long story-short, my history involves childhood sexual abuse plus an 18 year marriage in which my ex constantly verbally/emotionally (and in a couple instances) physically abused me, plus having a chronic illness (CFS) to top it off.

Just from the CFS aspect alone, I simply don’t have the physical/mental energy a meaningful relationship/marriage requires. For me, the more difficult aspect to overcome is my inability to trust men because of all the abuse I have suffered at the hands of men. Because of that, I can’t even allow myself to even THINK about wanting to date or get married again. When it comes to men, I have  a “broken picker” and at this point I know better than to trust it.  If I ever regain my physical health, perhaps I will feel differently and want to get married. For now, I’m fine with being single.

What am I struggling with now? Still trying to figure out what it is I really want to do in life, especially when most of the things I really love doing  (outdoors activities like hiking, playing golf and raquetball, riding quads/sea-doos/ horses, etc.) all require physical energy which is in short supply.  I can occasionally take short, easy hikes or golf once in awhile, but I will pay for it later with increased fatigue, more aching/pain, more brain fog, etc. So I guess the challenge is always about  trying to find that perfect balance of accepting and enjoying a  “modified, well-paced version” of an activity I enjoy rather than going crazy and over-doing it to the  point that I end up totally crashing physically.

 

 

 

 

[moxierocksParticipant]

@Jo White: ” I simply don’t have the physical/mental energy a meaningful relationship/marriage requires.”

 

Neither do I…but I’m married, and many times I’m terrified that my husband will not want to stick around long enough to find out if there’s going to be any improvement in my health. I am not the same person he married at all. :'(  Just last week there was an incredibly horrid misunderstanding between us that actually left me physically sicker. He does NOT get it.

Anyway, sorry I blurted that out..but what you said kind of pulled it out of me.

 

[moxierocksParticipant]

Jlac, thank you so much! (((HUGS)))

Feeling insecure is no fun at all!

 

 

[Anonymous]

Mox – Sorry you went through a marital misunderstanding that left you sicker. That totally sucks!

I can understand your anxiety in thinking your husband might leave you because you are sick. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life as to which spouses will keep their vow of taking their marriage partner “for better or for worse.”  But at least your husband has stuck it out this far with you, so hopefully he will til the end. All you can do is work at keeping the lines of communication open. Worrying about whether he will or won’t stick it out is pointless, and besides you can’t afford to waste the energy and make yourself sicker.
If you really think about it Mox, NOBODY is the same person their spouse originally married. We all change in many ways over the years. And as far as him “not getting your illness,”  well that’s not too surprising.  First, he’s a GUY (and most men tend to be clueless about what their wives are really going through – especially when it’s something they cannot FIX!). Second, I honestly don’t think ANY person can really “get” what having a chronic illness is like unless they’ve had one themselves. So don’t be too hard on him for that.
My situation was quite different in a LOT of ways. My ex ended up having an affair after I got sick, but our marriage was very dysfunctional/abusive to begin with, so he may have done that whether I was sick or not. He wanted to stay and “work things out” but I knew that would only mean putting up with more of his bullshit and I simply didn’t have the physical or emotional energy to deal with him and his unrealistic demands anymore! All he did was stress me out, so I’m the one that ended the marriage. And I’m glad I did, because I am really much better off being single.
Since we divorced, my health has greatly improved!  He is remarried and his wife and I actually get along great! I have finally forgiven him, and I know this sounds weird, but I even go with my son to their house for Christmas and I actually have a good time. That is something I NEVER expected to do and it took me 10 years to work up to actually going! (But it’s been a huge blessing – especially for my son and his family. Now he doesn’t have to “split-up” his holiday trying to spend time with each parent separately. Totally a “God-thing” – especially now that we share a grandchild!)
Whatever happens with your marriage, or your kids, or anything else in life – you just really have to believe that things will work out okay in the end, and that you can survive ANYTHING – because you can – okay Mox?
Just take a deep breath… and live life ONE DAY or even ONE HOUR or ONE MINUTE at a time Mox! It’s the ONLY way to not drive yourself crazy with “What if’s” and “if only’s!” Don’t let tomorrow’s worries rob you of today’s joys, okay girlfriend?
btw- if there are any kind of support groups in your area for people with chronic illneses and/or their spouses, that would be a really helpful thing for both of you. You both need a place to vent honestly where you dont have to worry about hurting the other’s feelings. You BOTH have different challenges to work through, and just talking to someone who has “walked in your shoes” can be a huge help!

 

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling with the distance between what I want to do and what I should do.  I’m ready to spend more time on my writing, make it the focus of my day.  But I’m still homeschooling my 7yo and I know sending her to public school isn’t the right thing to do right now, for a number of reasons.  It feels selfish to want more for myself, especially knowing that age 7 doesn’t last forever, and homeschooling won’t last forever.  But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m sure a lot of my brooding is because I suffer from seasonal depression, and we’re now in the dark, cold part of the year.  Where I live, we have hardly any sunshine between November and March, because we live near the lake.  I feel no motivation to do much of anything.  I think I’m very lucky to have a patient, understanding daughter.  We spend a lot of time reading–which I guess makes it not so bad after all.

[Know-NunParticipant]

I struggle with depression.

[Author]

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