What If I’d Known You All Back Then?

[servantgirlParticipant]

I’ve read everything you guys have written here, and regardless of where you are on your walk I find pieces of myself in what you’ve shared.  This morning as I was meditating I wondered if my path would have been different if I’d know you all back then.  The feeling of lonliness I felt as I struggled with faith and things that no one else around me seemed to have problems with is something that has stuck with me.  Now I find a group of people with different yet somehow similar experiences, and question if I would have left religion if even one member of my church had acknowledge that they had the same struggles.

I’m ok with where I am and don’t foresee a return to Christianity in my life.  I’ve explored Buddhism and while I like the beauty of it, I’ve found a center for myself without a belief system.  I can’t say with certainty that I’ll never return to a religion or belief system, but for now I’m just really glad to have community with the people here.  I still wonder though, “What if I’d known you all back then?”  Am I the only one?

• This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[starfielderParticipant]

servantgirl, I read your posts and like you I wonder right along with you.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

sweet thoughts y’all. i wonder too. but then us meeting now wouldn’t have the same import. i always have this weird suspicion that things have meaning even if we don’t know what it is.

[A Different MichelleParticipant]

David, your post made me smile.

I do wonder, though, how my journey might have been made different by one more person standing beside me (there were two), or maybe just a different one–one who had been willing to speak up/out on my behalf when I had lost my voice, rather than silently support and agree. I guess in ways I’m thankful that such a person was not there, as that might have made me willing to stay longer than I did.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

i know. sometimes i wonder that too.

[SylParticipant]

Yeah, this “what if” has an up side and a down side. If there had been someone – one person – who would have urged me to listen to my own mind, heart, and gut rather than trying to squelch myself for fear of displeasing God some things may well have been much different and less painful. However, there are also some very good things that came out of walking that difficult path which may not have happened without the struggles and heartache. But, here I am today, shaped by everything that came before. What was, was. What is, is – and it’s pretty darned good right about now.

[hagereParticipant]

Sometimes I get kind of tempted to go back to it (especially when the going gets tough), but then again, when I think about the condemnation and the guilt that one has to put up with in religion, I tell myself “hell no” – I want stay away from it as far as possible.

[starfielderParticipant]

I have learned way to much now that I don’t tend to wonder about what ifs. I have my moments of grief where I feel like the woman in the Poisonwood Bible where she says, “As long as I kept moving, my grief streamed out behind me like a swimmer’s long hair in water. I knew the weight was there but it didn’t touch me. Only when I stopped did the slick, dark stuff of it come floating around my face, catching my arms and throat till I began to drown. So I just didn’t stop. -as narrated by Orleanna in The Poisonwood Bible, page 381-

I can report that I stopped. It caught me. No one rescued me. But, I have found a way and I believe we all can find our way. I don’t write this flippantly. It is not easy. But there is good to be had and I’m going to live it damnit!

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

awesome quote. captures the gist of it for sure.

[hagereParticipant]

I was also reflecting  that while it is sometimes tempting to go back to religion, which may offer some amount of comfort, it is not worth putting up with the guilt and condemnation that comes with religion.  Even though much of mainstream christian religion may preach about a God of love, the way many of them treat others who disagree with their religious viewpoints by demonizing or ostracizing them is contrary to their own doctrines about “God is love”.

[Anonymous]

You know, I think I agree with Different Michelle–if one more person had been there or stood up with me instead of silent agreement, would I have stayed?  I actually had that happen, in a way.  When we told the staff of the church we were leaving, one of them did stand up for us (agreeing we needed to leave, but in a good way–not a “throw you out” way; hard to explain).  He was one of the reasons I stayed, because I felt like he needed to know that there are church members who agree with his more progressive thinking.  And just this weekend, I learned of an incident that made me wish we’d stayed so I could help the person.  I think I am still feeling a lot of that guilt.

And after all that rambling, I guess what I mean to say is that I don’t care that I’m meeting you all now instead of sooner–I’m just grateful you’re here.

[starfielderParticipant]

Today I got a long rambling apology from the pastor who behaved so poorly. (This is after 4 attempts at what he calls reconciliation but is really just more listing of what’s wrong with me.)  I didn’t read it. I sent it to someone else and asked if I should read it. They said, “No, it’s a trap.” Sigh. Such a bummer. Makes me feel gross. I didn’t read it.

Working towards letting it go and walking in freedom.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

i’ve gotten such letters. terrible.

[starfielderParticipant]

David, I guess I thought we were suppose to always be willing to read stuff like that. I feel weird about not reading it but I really don’t want to spend the time unpacking it and thinking it thru… I have a life to live! Kids, job, lovely husband who got the same letter. We don’t want to spend our time with that any more.

[servantgirlParticipant]

I asked this question a few days ago then got so busy with life I’m just getting to read what you all have to say.  Thanks for your honestly.  I definitely see the up- and downside to this question.  I’ve been hurt by the church.  I think we all have been directly or indirectly.  For me to even pose such a question it took a lot of work for me to get to a place where church does not equal pain.  When I used to talk about how I felt in my church, it often seemed like I was the only one.  From hearing what you guys have had to say here, and from people I’ve interacted with on my blog, I’m learning my story is not so unique.  I think back at people I served with and wonder who else amongst them shared my doubts but was not brave enough to speak up.  How incredibly sad it is to acknowledge that a church can be a place of fear.  There has never been a temptation for me to return though.

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