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Its been more than 10 years since my husband and I left the church of our youth. It was at this church that we met, married, went to Bible school, and ended up pastoring the youth (and eventually the whole church for a short time).
In the end it was a dysfunctional place and we had become dysfunctional. We were hurting so badly. Leaving/resigning was messy and hurt very, very badly.
Just today (by accident) my husband came across this church’s website. There is a church history page…a lengthy one. My husband and I were NOT on this page ~ all of the other past pastors and leaders were. It was as if we did not exist. We were never part of it. Like we were never there….NON -EXISTENT. Part of me is WAY ok with it…well, because I’ve changed, my beliefs have changed, hell…I don’t even like church anymore.
But I was angry. Angry that is was if we did not exist. My husband said he felt a panic attack coming on (he’s never said that before!!).
Why the fuck am I so angry after 10 + years. Is it because I feel that our youth was wasted? Almost stolen?! That we gave our souls to this place and in the end felt spiritually raped? (sorry if that is too graphic).
I so want to tell them ALL to go to the hell they tried to save me from. For many, many, many years I felt that I did not have a voice. I kept my mouth shut when I should have started screaming. They dictated to me how I should live and I DID IT!!! I fucking did everything that was required of me. Now that I have started to find my voice it is so hard to know where to draw the line and show grace and let things lie. Why the HELL am I still so angry???
((((((((((((SaraJ)))))))))))))
I will not attempt to answer as though I know for sure..but I have a perspective on this that I can share.
In my opinion, and based on my experiences in churches both where I was only a seat filler/tither, and ones where I was part of the ministry and leading in some aspect, there was a great deal of oppression and much of my authentic self was subdued and squelched almost into non existence. I was this scared, confused, unsure creature who constantly second guessed my every move for fear of pissing off God, the church, or my parents. As I look back on all the years that I lived like that, I realize that I wasn’t even aware that I was living that way for much of that time. I was almost like a robot, programmed to act and think a certain way. I am hot piss mad, too, SaraJ..and I think I’m probably gonna keep being angry, to varying degrees, for awhile. For me, I’ve noticed that I was really bitter/angry for a long while, and now I’m just really, really ANGRY about the way things went down. I believe it was @Richard who said recently in a chat session, “Anger brings clarity”…and it really made an impression on me. I had never thought of it that way before, or even heard anger talked about as something that can be beneficial. Mostly because there are still these deep seeded thought processes furrowed into my brain.. Like, “Anger is sinful unless it’s righteous anger, and you can’t be righteously angry if it’s selfish anger” That’s the way I used to think, and it lead me to feel guilt if I was angry. I’ve gotten better, and think much differently these days, but these thought patterns are stubborn, and sometimes I still feel the ghost of guilt, and that in turn makes me even more angry at times..I’m working on changing my thoughts, but it’s a process. So, I’d encourage you to embrace your feelings as valid and necessary to the process of creating a new you. I honestly think that’s what is happening. Ultimately, I think that it makes sense that we’d deal with emotions and confusion for a good long while…after all, it wasn’t just a little while we were under oppressive and messed up circumstances.
Thank you moxierocks!!
I was definitly that robot.
I just said to David (admin) today that I always felt anger was wrong. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. Anger was a sign that I was wrong or that something was wrong with me (and not in a self -awareness way but in a sin sin sin way)
I SO need to get to chat.
AnonymousSaraJ -While it’s not fun, it is a GOOD thing that you are allowing yourself to be angry – because if you don’t, it will turn into depression which sucks even worse. (Someone wisely said: depression is simply anger without enthusiasm!) Anger doesn’t come easy if all our lives we were taught anger is not only wrong, but it is a SIN to get angry. (If that were true, I can think of at least 2 instances when Jesus sinned – the fig tree and the temple money-changers!)
You are experiencing anger for MANY valid reasons! It would have been common courtesy to list you guys as being leaders of your church in the past. The fact that you weren’t is glaring evidence of the dysfunction, abuse, manipulation and mind-control so many churches practice. Those who dare to question or go against the religious status quo are conveniently labeled “devisive,” or “dangerous,” from there they are shunned, and all traces of those people are eradicated ASAP! That is such political/spiritual/emotional bullshit! That makes me ANGRY for you!
I too am angry over all the wasted years of my life (50+ years!) that I can never get back! I am especially angry that I was brain-washed into believing I should NEVER trust my own mind or my own heart, and that I should NEVER question what the Bible/church says I should believe. I too was a very compliant, “obedient robot.” My life could have been far different and probably a whole lot healthier without the church, but my life is what it is and I have to deal with it and move forward the best I can. What makes me angry is that the church has handicapped me even further by rendering me “socially inept” when it comes to effectively functioning and formulating meaningful relationships in the secular world. (I don’t remember who started that “socially inept” forum but it sure hit the nail on the head!)
I have given a lot of thought to the story about Jesus getting angry at the fig tree and WHY He cursed it and killed it. I’ve come to the conclusion that it symbolizes Jesus’ indictment of the institutional church. What angered Jesus most about that fig tree was the same thing that angers him most about the church:”false advertising.” That fig tree represented something GOOD – hope and sustenance to weary, hungry travelers in need of juicy, refreshing, nourishing fruit. Yet as inviting as that fig tree looked, it had not ONE fig on it. It failed miserably to deliver what it promised – just like the church fails to deliver what they promise “a genuinely loving, caring family/community that will always be there for you when you need it.” That’s the advertising hook that gets you in the door, but they fail to warn you about the “fine print” which specifies it is NEVER okay to question ANYTHING regarding theology/doctrine, the Bible, or the church leaders and how they run the church.)
Jesus was so angry at that fig tree for “false advertising” and failing to deliver what it promised, that he cursed it and it died! Never again would that fig tree be allowed to dash someone’s hope by disappointing, discouraging, or robbing anyone ever again!
Unfortunately, many institutional churches are just as guilty of false advertising as that fig tree that Jesus cursed/killed. Churches are notorious for promising all kinds of great-sounding things (especially being part of a caring, loving, loyal family/community), but sooner or later it fails to deliver. The church is guilty of FALSE ADVERTISING because there is so much secret deceptive “fine print” attached to it. The minute you transgress any of the unspoken rules by questioning or disagreeing with anything any of the church leaders say about God/theology/the Bible, or if you question how they run the church, their “promise” is immediately terminated! What once looked so inviting, nurturing, and satisfying, has disappeared into thin air – leaving horrendous pain and carnage in its wake!
Hang in there Sara! You are going through a necessary process, but you won’t feel angry forever.
Sorry if this was repetitive. My brain is not working real well at the moment.
Thank you Jo White! For taking the time to respond and for listening…
” I am especially angry that I was brain-washed into believing I should NEVER trust my own mind or my own heart, and that I should NEVER question what the Bible/church says I should believe. I too was a very compliant, ”obedient robot.” My life could have been far different and probably a whole lot healthier without the church…”
I can totally relate to that.
Thank you for sharing your neat take on the fig tree.
Sara, you said “you felt spiritually raped.” I went to counseling after my ‘church experience’ left me wondering if I was going to survive. The counselor said that spiritual abuse to the extent that I had experienced (and many others do) is emotionally felt and experienced as rape to the soul and is just as damaging to a person as physical rape emotionally affects its victims.
I think one reason our injury in church is so profound is it is perceived as Jo said, ”a genuinely loving, caring family/community that will always be there for you when you need it.” And then, all of a sudden we realized we are slaughtered in the midst of people we had trusted with our souls… and our souls are more susceptible to pain than our physical body is.
Moxie, you are right on about anger. I’m told that to fully process grief, you have to go thru stages and that anger is one of them. I have had a problem with the anger stage… we aren’t suppose to be angry and be a ‘good christian’… or at least that is what I had learned in too many years of church. So now, I’m trying to express my anger as it happens in my spiritual abuse recovery. And some ask me if I am angry or bitter by some things I post on FB. I say damn right. They know me and don’t know how to respond to that; I was never the ‘angry’ one. I am finally voicing my anger. And it feels good.
I love TLS. It is so freeing to know that others have some of the same feelings that I do. And it is also great to hear things that I haven’t heard before and I’m able to expand my thought process and move forward without some doors staying locked. So thanks to ALL of you. We, together, are getting such a great big hug. Loving without judging in a beautiful community. Acceptance!
AnonymousSince leaving my abusive family of origin and also my abusive church, I have recalled from shrink school that depression is anger turned inward. I could not show anger to my crazy controlling family or my batshit nuts hypocritical church. I had learned to be and feel helpless, like I had no control over my life, and no ability to change these situations I viewed as dysfunctional for the better. I have raged for years against both, against the high school bullies who about drove me to suicide, to the ex husband who did the same, to the abusive bosses who mirrored my parents, etc. Now I just want peace. I gave voice to my anger, now I choose after these years to not wallow in it. To learn from it, and create the kind of life I want for myself. I cannot change or heal people or situations that don’t need or want to be changed or healed. I could be the best healer, the best counselor, God ever sent to earth and I still couldn’t do it. Nor should I. Also it is not up to me and me alone to fix my mentally ill mother or my church that chose to shit all over an older congregant, a vietnam veteran, who had a personality conflict with the minister. I think God chose to work thru me in these situations b/c no one else was available, no one else chose to speak up. I did what I felt led to do, and now I have to unattach from the outcome and walk away. I know full and damn well no one who ever hurt me gives 2 shits about my anger or about me or my feelings at all. My anger is only hurting me. It hurts b/c I have been holding on to it for too long. It was once healthy and appropriate, and I might well feel appropriate anger about different situations in the future, but I will have learned how to process it quicker and release it. To transmute it into a different emotion, a different state of being, much as David described in his daily bread today. I cannot tell you when is the time for you to relinquish your anger, that is not my place. For me it was when it no longer felt freeing and empowering, just upsetting. Like I was willingly re-victimizing myself by replaying these scenarios in my mind and heart again and again, to no good end. I can feel pride that I was able to love myself enough to be angry about being disrespected, disregarded, and abused. I can feel smart and strong that I can now be OK with myself no matter if anyone else likes or approves of me. I can protect myself from toxic people and go where I am wanted, needed, respected and celebrated. not merely tolerated. Anger in itself is not bad. I enjoy blowing up at people when it’s called for. I just don’t want it to be the star of my show anymore, time for it to be relegated to maybe like, a recurring guest star. Like Charo on The Love Boat. (I really dated myself there)
1. Ok, once I went to the goodwill and bought dishes. Lots and lots of dishes. And I went to the hardware store and bought a metal trash can. AND THEN I THREW THOSE DISHES. I THREW AND THREW AND CRASHED AND HURLED AND BUSTED AND SHATTERED AND BROKE those dishes ’til there were no more to bust. Then I carted the entire hot mess to the curb and the nice trash man hauled away the evidence.
2. When Jesus went into the temple and threw over tables and called folks names, uh he never went back and apologized. At least there is no record of an apology. (“oh geez guys I am so sorry I lost my temper…”)
3. SaraJ, Moxie, Jo, Ang, rosey, thank you for posting your thoughts, feelings and experiences. I send you all (((hugs))). This journey is way better traveling you all!
AnonymousOh yeah man! wow healthy expressions of anger I’m loving this!
Yup Jesus is presented as the gnetle Jesus meek and milde nice guy. So to emlulate him you always have to be a “nice guy” or a “good woman” – right?
WHAT A LOAD OF SCERMING BOLLOCK FUCKIN CRAP SHIT UP YOUR ARSE AND SHOVE YOU SELF OFF A CLIFF CRAP OF HERCULEAN SIZED MOUND OF HORSE SHIT.
Wow doesn’t that feel good to be free to release?
Jesus yes had compassion, was loving gentle, affirming, – all the nice warm fuzzy things we like. He also id Lord, a warrior kind and seriously pissed off a great number of people. I just feel like giveing everyong here a big hup. And I’m feeling all weepy and gushy now and i don’t care
To me that is my expereince of freedom in Christ :). I am me, loved unconditionally and I am in awe of that
AnonymousStarfielder – The feeling is mutual! I salute you for breaking all those plates in order to maintain your sanity! I’ve broken every plate and glass my mother ever gave me, and I’ve thrown hundreds of rocks in the lake over the years. Even now when I’m really frustrated or angry, I take a hammer and just pound the crap out of a piece of wood (while wearing safety glasses of course.) There is just something about PHYSICALLY expressing my anger that is necessary in order for me to move past the anger. Plus that prevents me from unintentionally taking my anger/frustration out on those closest to me through insensitive, sarcastic comments, etc.
If you’re angry and you haven’t given yourself permission to physically express it, I highly recommend it! You may feel a little silly in the beginning, but by the time you’re finished, you will feel better! So find a safe place and a safe method that appeals to you, and have at it! Repeat as often as necessary. It beats having all that anger swirling around in your mind in never-ending, crazy-making circles. It kind of acts as a “reset button” for the brain.
Jo, WOW breaking all those dishes! I came up with the idea when my friend said to throw eggs against a wall… and I realized that if I threw eggs they would make a mess that I would have to clean up and THAT would make me even more mad. I’ve written in permanent marker on stones along the cliffs here and then thrown those into the crashing ocean too… whatever works.
I was very fond of the glass recycling bins where you could toss bottles and smash them to bits – those are a little harder to find in my neighborhood now (we have curbside pickup for recycling) but I recommend it. The safety glasses are an excellent suggestion!
Wow,such great comments.So much to think on.
AnonymousI’d reacommend rather than breaking things – gettgin a motorcylce and enjoying the scenery and fresh air, and adrenlaline fix.
I just want to say a HUGE ‘THANK YOU’ to everyone here who has commented and shared. As I’ve been reading the responses over the last couple of days I’ve wanted to say something in response but I couldn’t come up with anything eloquent or exact. Please, please know how grateful I am to ALL of you for listening, not judging, sharing your stories, for your understanding and empathy. Thank you for letting me vent and not criticize and tell me that I’m the one with the problem. For letting me have a voice. I feel hope because of all of you.
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