This topic contains 46 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by 
David Hayward 1 year, 2 months ago.
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Identity……huge loss for me too.
AnonymousTrust was the biggest loss. Trust in prayer. Trust in people I believed cared about my heart.
That’s true maliborn… it is very difficult for some of us to trust again. Thanks for sharing.
AnonymousI agree with all of you, a lot resonates. I’ve lost trust that God will guide me– that God even gives a crap where I go from here! And yet, I can still look back and see where God seemed to guide me before. I do believe my call was very real, for whatever reasons– many of which I may never know– but the call/hunger/push to LEAVE was just as real. I could not have handed in my ordination if I didn’t feel God was pulling me forward OUT of the Church. I could not have handled all the shame, guilt and loss, if I felt like I was giving God the Finger as much as I was the Church. But God is “fuzzy”, still. I don’t believe that God has ONE plan for me to follow, and I just have to figure it out, but to help me survive this wilderness wandering, I have to try to trust that God will help me find places: a different, non-religious job, new friends, new spiritual truths, etc.– that are good and healthy for my soul. The One Who Created Me– I still feel a longing for my Creator, which is more Mother to me, as Father proved hurtful. I know how I feel toward my now-adult daughter, and I hope that that is just a fraction of the love that The One Who Created Me feels for me…..
I’d say about a year and a half out, what I miss is the type of community I’m searching for. Not that I had it at the last church I was in, but what I really would like is just a group of people I could hang out with to discuss life and spiritual issues without it being a church small group. I’m in a new church and enjoy the Wednesday night classes that the pastor leads because they’re not your run-of-the-mill Bible class, but I just would like to be with some people who I could let my hair down with without getting all the religious b.s. Church small groups are fine, but I want to talk about life, current events, faith, etc. with people who can be real. In small groups, there’s usually an agenda that has to be adhered to (and I get that), but I just want to kick back and talk and have some koinonia. That’s what I feel like I’m missing most. While I didn’t really have that at the last church, I think I was so involved that I didn’t miss it. Now after having gone through my experience, I feel like that’s what I need. Apart from this type of forum, I don’t think I’ve had anyone with skin on that I could totally let down with to talk about my experience. It’s only come out in bits and pieces with a person here and there, but I need more than that.
My greatest loss… sorry I didn’t read all of your answers, so mine may be a duplicate in some ways. I have lost a sense of security and safety. I now realize that the church was in my mind my all-encompassing refuge and safe-haven from a world that had not protected me as a child and young adult. When I sojourned into the church and committed myself completely to be a clergy person who provided sheltering and hope-filled faith to others who were lost, I did so believing that I too would be safe there. It turned out that for over 20+ years I did the sheltering and I did the hoping and I did the caring and I did the protecting while some of my congregants and the church heirarchy systematically stabbed, starved, and destroyed me. I now go about my life looking for places that I actually feel safe and protected. I find that I would rather drive an inner-city street after dark in a bad neighborhood with my car unlocked alone as a white female, than I would feel safe walking into a typical white American Christian church of any denomination. It has been my biggest loss. I have no places where I feel safe.
powerful celtic. thanks so much for sharing. i know how much of a risk that was for you. so many know exactly what you’re talking about. unfortunately.
Oh wow celtic. I’m so sad when I read your response and I hear you! I bet you were a great clergyperson! I too have the same sense of loss. Peace.
AnonymousI have never “joined” or “belonged” to a local church. I have attended SEVERAL over the years, but never felt plugged in anywhere. I have always felt like the square peg that tried to fit in the round hole so I would either leave after a few weeks or be asked to leave. I taught Sunday school to children once, but couldn’t stomach the curriculum. I helped with the high school youth once, but couldn’t bear to watch the teens get beat up with scripture every week and when I voiced my thoughts I was quickly pointed to the door out! I had always hoped to find family and a sense of belonging in a local church group, but I never did. That is still very disappointing to me. BUT….as God reveals a LOT of lies I have believed about Him and opens up some new understanding to me I stand in fear. I think Marianne Williamson articulates what I am feeling best…”Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This combined with huge insecurities leaves me a bit paralyzed. I am afraid to share too much about what I think about God because what if it gets “shot down” again? What if you all point me to the exit sign? I’ve learned to “play small” because it is safer.
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mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}Hi Magdni. I love the quote about “…nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” I would gently suggest that you take this to heart and just take a leap of faith (albeit a small one) and put a thought our question out there. I know what it is to feel insecure, but I’ve also learned, after being pushed to the brink, “oh, what the hell! These are my beliefs and opinions and I have a right to them.” Everyone else expresses their views and they sure don’t take time to think whether or not they’re offending anyone. What you would be sharing are your heartfelt thoughts, opinions, ideas, etc. and you are entitled to them. More often than thought, you’ll find either people who feel the same way but couldn’t express it for whatever reason or people who actually appreciate you introducing some new bit of information that they never considered. As you become stronger and more confident, you will find yourself less shaken by those who would disagree or try to call your faith into question. In this group, I have yet to see anyone get shot down. Some of us see eye-to-eye and some not so much, but what I’ve see here is mutual respect and civility. So, if there’s a safe place to experiment with letting your voice be heard, here would be the place to do it.
Magdni, I agree with pmpope68. I think you should share your experience/understanding of God here if you want to, and not be afraid. Everyone has the right to their own personal knowledge and understanding of God. If people have in the past told you otherwise, THEY were wrong, not you. God does not reveal Godself in only one way, or only in the way that people you’ve met in the past would say, or the way that the Christian church says. This is a place, I hope, where everyone would respect that fact. I know I certainly do.
AnonymousThank you, pmpope….testing the waters here.
AnonymousThanks, Celtic…glad we connected here!
AnonymousGood stuff! I understand, magdni, and celtic. I poured myself into the church, celtic, wanting to be that person/clergy who was different, more grace-ous. It was highly costly. I, too, felt run over by many trucks, stabbed, beaten, criticized. I don’t like rough neighborhoods at night–:)— but I get the imagery! Church is not safe. Christians are not safe! Magdni, I LOVE that Marianne Williamson quote. Yes, I’ve played it small all my life– my pastor-father made me believe that if I was truly myself and shone, I would be a temptation to men. What the hell???? I’m still hesitant to SHINE. But when I do, I know God is in me and expressing through me. One step at a time…. glad you’re here!
Powerful Peg.
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