This topic contains 46 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by 
David Hayward 1 year, 2 months ago.
-
Posts
-
AnonymousI can relate with every single person on here and what they lost when they left church.
-I have lost every friend I have had in church over the last 30 years, over and over again. That for me is the most painful. People who said they loved me and were there for me, quit talking to me the minute we left the church they were attending.
-I don’t feel safe to talk to anyone, except my husband and Pam, about church, god, etc.
-Lack of purpose — who am I now?
-Time wasted in church for too many years. There isn’t much to look back on and have happy thoughts.
I (we) am in the process of trying to find friends who have nothing to do with anything other than we enjoy each others company.
Well, I’d say at this point, we’ve lost our “friends,” lost my sense of security in a “community,” wondered how to help our kids through the loss of their community, found out how mean and awful people in power and authority can really be and what shitty mean things they can say about anyone (us!) who they feel doesn’t agree with them or ask questions. Found out that if I try to move on with my family I am now slandered. Wow I’ll be glad when this phase has passed. Really glad. And I’ll live to tell the tale and we will, after tending to our bitter and angry wounds, my family will be free and able to just ignore the haters. (Ignore the haters, I’m not the jackass whisperer.) Learning to treat the haters like noisy apartment neighbors.
AnonymousGood morning all, I have read all your posts and wow I can relate in one way or another to each one of you. My greatest loss since I left the church has been not only friends and purpose, but my sense of identity. I did not realise how much my identity was tied to what I did there. I was in positions of leadership and involved in most areas of service. Since leaving I feel like I am a stranger to myself. I am learning to re-identify myself by who Papa says I am, a daughter of the King, a worthy person (even when I am not “doing” anything worthy), It has been good to be out of the church, learning to live loved. Glad to be a part of this community and hope to make new friends here.
Starfielder– “I’m not the jackass whisperer”. Ha! Love it!
And you know one sad part in all of this? There are good and talented people in many churches who would do well in leadership roles, but refuse to take on leadership positions because this is the only side they hear about –the meanness, pettiness, backstabbing, etc. Many of them are people who love Jesus, but feel like getting any more involved would distract from their relationship with the Lord. It doesen’t have to be that way, but I think we can probably all testify to our faith changing in some way, shape or form because of what happened to us. Not that all the change was bad. After the healing comes, we’re often better and stronger people for it. And I’m glad for those who do step up to the plate to lead and make sacrifices. It’s just too bad as Starfielder said how mean people can be. I would add to that, how territorial they can be. You may think you’re working for the common good until you run into someone who lets you know otherwise either by word. deed or both. I think those who resist getting too involved know all too well the politics that are involved and just choose not to get too entangled. I guess it’s just the price you pay for being a leader.
Ok, so as my leaving church story has unfolded … I saw this movie this weekend. Here is the trailer… http://theimpossible-movie.com/
I feel as if, just like this family in this movie, we (our family) were hit by a devastating tsunami. Now, we’re standing in the aftermath, holding onto each other and wondering what the f**k happened. How did we end up here in this devastated place, trying to find our way to safety?
Watch the trailer…
and, pope, thanks… humor helps… beats the hell out of being depressed.
that’s the exact same analogy we used… tsunami!
David, IKR!? What a painful mess. Sheesh.
a friend of mine yesterday called it a “plan crash”. awesome!
AnonymousEverybody, I’ve had a couple of powerful dreams lately. A couple of months ago, I dreamt that as I watched, my childhood home suddenly exploded. After the explosion, I went inside, amidst the rubble, and began discovering things/treasures I’d completely forgotten about. As I kept searching and discovering amidst the mess, my parents kept pleading with me to leave, to come out with them where it was safe. I refused, empowered and delighted by all that I was finding amidst the rubble. From that dream I felt like God/Spirit was trying to tell me that the structure under which I lived almost my whole life is gone for me now. I can’t go back, because for me there’s nothing life-giving to go back to. However, I felt like God was leading me to search in the midst of the devastation for all the treasures. There WERE treasures even in the church, even in my childhood, even in a crazy family. It was not wasted time and energy. My years in the church are a huge part of who I am now and am becoming, both the good stuff and the pain. This is HUGE for me.
A dream I had last night: I was standing in a pulpit preaching, with no notes. (This is a big deal because as a writer first and foremost, I ALWAYS used a manuscript) The words were just coming to me and through me, flowing. I preached about the love of God, and used the image of the ocean (the only thing I miss from my Jersey years, here in the landlocked prairie). I spoke of the power and majesty of the ocean, the peace of its sound when I lay on the shore… I was really ON! It was exhilerating! As I got to the end of the sermon, I suddenly noticed that no one was in the sanctuary pews in front of me. It was a huge church. But something made me turn around as I uttered the last line of the sermon, delivering the Good News of God’s vast love for us, and there was a small group of people in the choir loft. They were radiant, standing up, and applauding me. And the message I got from that was that though my pastor-years were primarily painful, and though by the Institution’s standards I was “not successful”, there are people out there who remember my ministry, were touched by it, and who will not forget. And that those people were touched by my ministry when I was being most myself, and deviating from “the script” of the Church or accepted theologians. I also took it as encouragement to SHINE, let my light shine now, as I’ve abandoned the Script and am trusting the Spirit with my life and soul.
Your life in the Church was not wasted. I believe there are lessons and wisdom to be learned as we sort through the rubble of our pain… our tsunamis!
Blessings, all!!
Hey Pegasus… beautiful. I believe dreams are a way of integrating all the scattered parts of ourselves into a one whole. I often wake up from such dreams actually feeling different, as though the disintegration has been reversed and healed. thanks for sharing.
AnonymousI actually felt that my biggest loss started when I became a pastor’s wife. I missed the authentic (or so it seemed) community from the church we were at when my husband took the church in CA. I had an intuitive feeling right away that we shouldn’t have taken the job but I shook it off because we needed the money. I felt I was put into a box as a pastor’s wife and I hated it. They didn’t want me to talk about health, even though I was so excited about becoming a health coach. i am not the people pleaser type and I knew they were comparing me to the previous pastor’s wife.
As a result of that, I have lost my sense of who I really am…but I am starting to get that back. I do miss the community and social gatherings from the previous church where we weren’t serving, but then I think twice about that because we would not belong now anyway because of our ever -changing beliefs. That’s why I’m so glad to have found this group.
I feel that I”ve also lost my trust in Christians. I want to be friends with everyone but it’s hard to be myself around them for fear of what they would think of me. And I”ve been hurt by one too many of them at the church my husband pastored at.
We have never had a ton of money but one struggle is our loss of finances. We at least had a decent salary for a small church and were able to survive. Now, because of my husband’s lack of experience and only having a Bible degree, it’s hard for him to find something that pays the bills. I am trying with my own business but I have been a stay at home mom and have a hard time finding a job as well.
Not sure if anyone will see this as the last message was awhile back but this thread was intriguing to me.
Anonymousoops– in the first sentence, I meant to say “from the church we were at BEFORE my husband took the job as pastor”
Ya I understand totally where you are coming from Kellie. I’ve been there many times, but especially the last time I left the church and the ministry when I was sure I wasn’t going back.
I talked to a few people who knew how to totally reframe and reword my education and experience. Actually, pastors are excellent people persons, they are usually very patient, they understand the financial concerns of a company or organizations, they know how to organize volunteers, they know how to teach children and adults, they know how to help communities function in healthy ways, etc., etc….There are companies and organizations who would KILL for people with this kind of experience. So somehow rework his resume in such a way that it doesn’t look so religiously centered. That was the culture you were in, but his skills can easily be transferred to other cultures.I hope you make friends and trust the process on TLS. They all seem like great people. Including you guys!david
AnonymousThanks, David! We do feel comfortable here! I like the idea of re wording his resume. The trouble is most higher paying jobs want some kind of degree or specific experience. I won’t steal Charles’ thunder though. I”m sure he’ll be talking about this too.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.