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My wife (SaraJ on here) had an experience a couple of weeks ago with her brother. SaraJ briefly touched on it in another topic but I thought I’d throw it out there. We were having a little family birthday party for my daughter and we got into a discussion with her brother and his wife about church stuff. We all grew up together in the church (non-denominational charasmatic), in youth group and for my wife and I and her brother – we even went on to “Answer the Call” to Bible college together and get into ministry (blah!!). Our ministry experience is different but at the end of the day, we also all went through some really horrible shitty experiences that affected us all very personally and deeply and eventually led us all to leave the church. Our paths at that point differ. For me, I never went back – couldn’t go back – and began to question everything and all my beliefs. My wife gave it another shot a few years later – she’s shared some of that on here – that ultimately led to even more hurt, but it did cause us both to end up here, which has been awesome. My brother in law and his wife chased money and have achieved it and for some reason decided to go back to church a year or 2 ago – this time a very much conservative Baptist church.
That’s a brief history – sorry for being long-winded. So back to the birthday party – we start talking about an old friend of ours that lives in Alberta – same history as us but she had a very troubled childhood – no parents around, foster home to foster home, etc. She went down the same path as we did but got burned in church as well. Her path has led to alcohol and drug addiction and some other pretty bad stuff. My wife has been in contact with her, thinking she may be suicidal, and we were discussing this. Her brother started to get kind of angry about this and became adament that we should completely cut her off – she made her choices – let her deal with it, it’s her problem, etc. And then he went on to say the same about other old friends that we lost contact with – basically screw em all if they’re in a mess or unhappy or need help. That opinion, while completely lacking compassion and empathy, is one thing – the anger he said the words in were surprising.
I suggested that, looking back, maybe the church was ill equipped to deal with some of the psychological problems our friend had as a troubled teen. Maybe saying a prayer at the alter and casting out the odd demon wasn’t enough. She needed some real help. This brought even more anger and it started to become uncomfortable. He started talking about how he started reading the Bible again and they found this awesome Baptist church that only preached the Bible and it changed his family’s life and brought peace. Kind of indicating that, while we weren’t going to church, our path would eventually lead us there because – what else is there?? Keep in mind, all of this is said angrilly – he is visably upset, voice raising, the whole thing. Definitely not as happy as he said he was – definitely not displaying “the peace that passes all understanding”.
We listened to the rant – my wife SaraJ surprisingly kept calm, and we tried to tell him that we were in a totally different place and very happy to be there. We don’t want to go back to church. At this point we don’t want our kids anywhere near church. Getting angrier, and despite me wanting to push some buttone and see just how pissed off he could get by asking “what if there is no God???” or “if your church is pure Bible, it might be time to get the hell out of there”, we calmed everything down and they left.
After all that – here is what my wife and I are left asking – Why such visable anger? Why complete lack of empathy and compassion? Why, after so many years, does he think he’s found The Church that has it right where the rest have it wrong? How can he trick himself into thinking that he’s so happy, when clearly he’s not. I mean, we went through the same shit – he should know better (now I’m the one judging). As closet Lasting Supper Seekers, my wife and I didn’t go into too much detail about exactly where we are at and our changing beliefs, but we agreed that if it happened again we would have to say something more direct. What do you say though? How would you guys approach it?
Sorry for the long post
AnonymousI ask the same question of myself. I find myself getting angry at the sheep, why? Why don’t I feel compassion towards them the their stuckness?
@Wayne I get angry at that as well at times – usually when I feel that smug or condescending attitude from old church acquaintances when they ask you where you are now “fellowshipping”. Hate that term
@Chris … What do you mean ‘surprisingly kept calm’ LOL
Man, my brother, I love him to pieces, but that dude was ANGRY!!. Displaced anger I think.I know what it is like to be angry. But if a church has ALL that, then maybe they should throw in a little compassion and empathy for those who are truly struggling with mental health and addiction issues.
Chris I think you articulated your response extremely well. Simply asking WHY…WHY the fruit of his new found faith is anger and contempt for others. Perhaps you ask him to define the “fruit of the Spirit”. If he is a fundamental baptist he will certainly know the scripture and be able to regurgitate it succinctly. Ask him bluntly which of the following (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control)his present frame of mind represents.
AnonymousSomehow I sense he was responding from a place of deep pain within his own heart that he is trying to cover up with anger and perhaps denial.
Anonymous@SaraJ – doesn’t make it any easier to take though.
Yes also agree. I think there is the potential of embracing his denial to the detriment of your relationship with him and with other relationships he has as well. It is painful to see anyone enslaved by such thinking…but especially one we love so much. Perhaps you can by a lifeline to him to help him find his way back.
AnonymousIMO historically the church has a pretty bad track record of helping those w/ mental illness or addictions issues.
thanks for sharing this @chris …. it is so telling… @kathy-D … well put!
@Kathy-D – I think it also has a pretty good track record of causing some mental illness as well
Anonymous@Chris -unfortunately that is all too true…a place that is supposed to be safe, turns out to be anything but.
Wow what good questions and what great responses! I’m thinking this is similar to my recent questions about why do people get attached to bad community.
http://www.thelastingsupper.com/topic/why-do-we-look-for-community-church-that-is-not-good-for-us/
Blaming people for their bad choices, where is the good news in that!?
Solzenhitsyn has a great quote that goes like this…
“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary only, to separate them from us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every ‘person.’ And who, who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
This quote reminds me to ask myself if there is anything I am holding too tightly…
Sometimes it’s easier to have big emotions and blame other people than to look at our own hearts. It keeps us out of intimacy. It keeps the vulnerability at bay.
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