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Tonight. Why tonight after all of this time and all of this water under the bridge did I get a message!? Really1? Now? After all this water under the bridge? All those tears, loneliness, heartache? Really? After slogging through letting it go? After not holding against people that they just didn’t know better… WHAM! The words come…I GOT AN APOLOGY from a leader of my ex church. They don’t really know. No one asks…
Of course it comes in the words of the Bible. They can’t help it. But WHAT THE “F” AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THIS?
I choose to forgive. I choose to move on. I tell you all this as I am in process and reeling. These are the exact word, “I was just reading 1 Sam 1 and how Eli misjudged Hannah. thought of u as Hannah in this story. Sorry on behalf of those who misjudged u!”
What the ‘F’ am I suppose to do with this? So far this is my proces… these are my posts about it…
http://www.thelastingsupper.com/blog/2012/11/on-forgiveness-by-starfielder/
http://www.thelastingsupper.com/topic/forgiveness/
and so it goes… Shit! Help. Wow! (as anne lamott might say…)
AnonymousStar – I don’t even know what to say except I’m so sorry you got hit with this! I’m shocked you got ANY kind of an apology at all. That said, it sounds more like a casual, “easy-breezy” apology than a real heartfelt apology. (But that’s just MY impression.) You know the person so you can judge way better than I can what kind of an apology it was.
The good news is you don’t have to do ANYTHING RIGHT NOW – if ever. Take your time. Just because someone apologizes does not mean you have to take them into your heart and your life again. That is not “sour grapes” – that is simply maintaining a healthy boundary so they can’t inflict any more pain on you. You can always give them a token “thanks for the apology – I’ve moved on with my life” and leave it at that. Anything more than that and you run the risk of dredging up all that pain all over again. Only you can decide whether it is a relationship worth going through all that again. If you feel it’s just a “token apology” there is NO reason to re-hash all that pain all over again. But if you think the person has a good understanding of the pain they caused you and they are sincerely sorry, THEN it might be worth further discussion.
Forgiveness does NOT automatically result in reconciliation! (Contrary to the Evangelical church’s popular teaching I know!) Forgiveness you do for YOU – not the other person. Reconciliation CANNOT occur unless BOTH both parties are willing to come to the table and be truthful about the offense that occurred and the pain that was caused, and there is genuine remorse on the part of the one of wronged you. If those criteria don’t exist, you only set yourself up to be hurt all over again.
If any of this is helpful to you that’s great. If it isn’t, don’t give it one more second of thought! I mean that! I wish I could give you a great big, long HUG in person right now Star!! Hang in there!!
Jo, thank you. exactly. and I’ll take the hug and the advice.
hugs back.ANYWAY
@starfielder Being blindsided sucks!! HUGS!!
AnonymousHey oh! I like what Jo said. Also, it sounds like this person’s “apology” is for her own process – sounds like wheels are turning for her and she starting to connect some dots.
Wow. I don’t have anything to add to what the others have said except more *hugs*. Regardless of your response is to this, I hope that for the person who wrote the apology it’s a sign of someone doing some deep thinking about things.
@starfielder I know the experience you describe….(((hugs))). I sometimes (no make that most times!!) fear confrontation and expected forgiveness. I can get myself worked up just thinking about a trip to the local town or supermarket, reckoning on “seeing/meeting” someone from the old days. I could mostly be worrying unnecessarily because it rarely occurs.
I was in the supermarket last week eyeing up the packs of peppers (in the veggie section) and suddenly realized I was right alongside my ex-pastor’s wife. I’ll never know if she saw me and ignored me but I felt a victory of sorts because I called her name, she turned to me and we greeted and shared advice on trying to figure out which of the peppers were the best bargain…lol Reflecting on the conversation and the lack of awkwardness was kinda nice….and it was surprising as I’d “rehearsed” in my head all the uncomfortable and angry responses I could expect and relief washed over me that I’d been able to get through the “meeting” unscathed. I was buying the peppers for family use and the pastor’s wife was seeking out bargain peppers for an “event” at their church. I cringed at the “event” info…..wishing there would be some way to deter people walking through the doors of the church to attend an event that could have the potential to cause them spiritual harm. It’s unforgiveable the damage inflicted.
It’s good to be able to wrestle/consider this whole forgiveness thing together….
Sara, Holli, Amy and Jacquie, I’m thinking about the use of the word “misjudged.” I’m wondering why I was judged at all…
AnonymousStar – loved the “Anyway” song! Thanks! Hope you’re feeling better than the day you got the “apology.”
Jacquie is right – unexpectedly running into or hearing from people we’d rather not, can be a valuable experience, even though it makes us uncomfortable. It forces us to once again choose whether to hate (which keeps us hooked to that person and allows them to continue to hurt us). or to forgive (which incrementally frees us to find peace and move on with our lives.) When Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, I think he pretty much meant every time you think of that person and the pain they caused you!) And really, we need those small confrontations because each time we choose to forgive, we gain a little more healing.
At some point down the road you will hear from or run into that person again and it will hardly faze you. You might even find yourself wishing them well. Either is a pretty good indication you’ve completed the forgiveness process. It may not feel like it, but you’re well on your way to that point Star!
It’s so interesting to me that my well meaning church friends say “sorry I misjudged you.” and I think, why are you judging at all? WHOA! I used to be that way, and then I started working with the marginalized and I didn’t care if they got “SAVED” and that changed EVERYTHING. After that I was looked upon with suspicion. That painful road lead me here to TLS.
When people have apologized to me about significant abuse and I want to test if it’s genuine I ask if they are willing to make amends. I generally have list of things that would go a long way toward reconciling with me. If there was a financial loss I would ask if they would be willing to restore my loss.
If there was an emotional loss I would ask if they are willing to listen to how they hurt me. I have found that if I can speak my truth and be heard then I have an easier time letting go and if there are no longer any secrets between us then healing can begin.
If I sense any reluctance or excuse making then I know it’s probably not genuine. Sometimes I find out something that I might be responsible for and I take that opportunity to clean up my side of the street as well.
The willingness to make amends tells you the value of the apology.
Richard, thank you for your wise words.
AnonymousI second that Richard! Your last statement, The willingness to make amends tells you the value of the apology is SO TRUE!
I’m so behind..so very bheind on posts here..Meh. I’m sorry..but I don’t like the wording of that apology…(or the shorthand, but that’s a pet peeve of mine)…It’s too..um..”We think, after our conscience tingled, that maybe we were maybe sort of A-holes to you, but we meant well, so, sorry we messed up a little.” Maybe I’m reading it wrong..but it’s so..trite. I hate trite. Just saying! Star, I am sorry..I think I’d be reeling too if anyone said anything to me like that after the shit they put me through. And I also choose to forgive and move on, whatever that looks like in my life..I’m working on it still. I love you! Peace to you on this..you’re gonna be great! (((HUGS)))
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